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On Rejection and Competition

This blog post is going to cover two topics. First, how to deal with the emotional feeling of being rejected for a role. Second, a re-framing and discussion of how to feel about the person who did get the role.

I want to start by saying, everything about getting a job in the game industry from before 2025 is outdated information *at best* and potentially harmful at worst. The landscape of looking for a job in the game industry has completely changed in the last four years into a very different beast than it once was. Before 2022, if I applied to a role, it didn’t matter how many of the requirements I met, I was probably getting a phone screen.

In 2024 I was in the unfortunate position of being employed, but knowing the layoffs were coming. Our contract had been canceled (*shakes fist at Netease*) and no one was being funded. So I started applying around. I actually got quite a few phone screeners during this time.

The context of my resume matters here though. Even ignoring my earlier shipped titles, I have 4 Skylanders games on my resume. A series that earned 4 Billion dollars. During my time at TfB I shipped 4 games in 7 years, a feat that VERY FEW other AAA developers can claim. (And not many indie devs either.) I also worked on World of Warcraft for 4 years, the 800lb Gorilla Game that everyone has heard of, most people have played, and is known for being difficult to work on. And I shipped two expansions there. These two bullet points ALONE put me in a different category from most other experienced game devs. Then I have multiple years of Unreal 5 experience. You know, that editor half the industry uses. Further, I am fairly competent and skilled at using Blueprints to do scripting. I understand state machines. All of this makes me a “top candidate” for most game design or level design roles.

I am not saying this to brag, I am saying this so that you continue reading with the FULL CONTEXT of what I am talking about when I talk about my experiences in interviewing in 2024-2026.

I have had people flat out say directly to me that if I apply for a job, they won’t bother.

I have had people say to my face “Well, you’re a unicorn.”

Okay? So trust me when I say this next sentence okay?

YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE FOR FAILING TO LAND A GAME JOB IN 2026.

YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE FOR FAILING TO LAND A GAME JOB IN 2025.

YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE FOR FAILING TO LAND A GAME JOB IN 2024.

YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE FOR FAILING TO LAND A GAME JOB IN 2023.

YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE FOR FAILING TO LAND A GAME JOB IN 2022.

I can’t really speak too much from before then, because I didn’t have the same experience before 2022 that I have had since 2022. There were also like 100k more game developer jobs back then. The old understanding doesn’t apply anymore.

In 2024 I was interviewed by 5 companies. One turned me down because I did not have Unity experience. Which is silly, because that’s clearly evident from my resume, but also – like, no offense Unity – but all game editors are pretty much the same. In my career I’ve worked in over 20 editors, everything from 2d ones like Game Maker to proprietary editors that were in the middle of being built while using them. If I can learn the WoWEdit tool, I can learn anything.

Another two companies during this time rejected me and went with other developers. I actually knew both devs who were hired instead of me. (I saw their posts on LinkedIn when they were hired.) Both were less experienced, had fewer shipped titles, about half my time in the industry, and both were cis white men. I can’t say why they were picked, and there were probably reasons unrelated to their gender and race, but at the same time, it cannot be discounted. In a pure numbers game, I should have won both roles, but I didn’t. I have no insight into the logic behind the choice. Was it just they had a better interview? Had they previously worked with the hiring manager? Were they cheaper?

In the end, I interviewed with Noodle Cat, and despite there being SEVERAL weird moments during the interviews that I was sure disqualified me, they made me an offer. So in 2024, I managed to dodge the layoff and land at Noodle Cat.

I was the unicorn. I was the overlap of skill sets and gave off the right energy to make them think I was a good hire.

Like many other game devs, I hold a lot of personal pride in being good at my job. Being offered a job in one of the worst layoff periods in the industry was very validating and affirming.

Sometime fairly early after starting, I heard a factoid that made me have to literally lay down.

Ready?

1500 people had applied for the role. They had 1500+ applicants. Even after sorting out the unqualified, who didn’t even meet the base requirements, there were over 500 remaining candidates. Once they cut everyone who didn’t meet all of the bullet points, they had over 300, fully qualified candidates.

THAT’S FUCKED UP. THAT IS NOT NORMAL. THAT’S AN INSANE NUMBER.

We’re not talking about a junior position. We’re talking about one that asked for a minimum of 5 years and 2 shipped titles. I know people with a DECADE in games who haven’t gotten to two shipped titles.

That’s the level of “Extinction Event” the industry is currently in. It’s not YOU, it’s the industry.

When I entered the in industry in 2007, getting 100 applicants for a role was OVERWHELMING. Blizzard was only getting a few hundred for a ENTRY LEVEL role.

Now, a senior to principal role will have HUNDREDS of QUALIFIED applicants. I am not exaggerating here. I need you to internalize this information because otherwise, you will continue to feel like not being able to get a job in the industry in your fault. It’s not your fault. I know indie studios that post a role then TAKE IT DOWN a week later because they are already overwhelmed with applicants.

THERE ARE NO JOBS.

Right now, the total number of game design and level design roles I could apply to is less than 20. I also know for a fact gents like Steve Powers and ladies like Beth Beinke are also currently unemployed. Even with Skylanders and WoW on my resume, it’s kind of hard to compete with “This guy was an LD on Deus Ex.” and “She was an LD on Bioshock Infinite.”

I am currently writing this while waiting to hear back from a small indie company. I interviewed, did well with each interview, and they even asked for my references and salary requirements. I have been doing the <exact> match of the role they are trying to fill for the last FOUR YEARS. I am telling you this because I am also fairly sure I am NOT going to get the offer at this point.

So how does that feel?

Honestly it sucks. I know I could do the job. I know I am kind and personable. I know I am good at working remotely. I know I can communicate well with my co-workers and I can prioritize tasks without needing a producer or director.

But the truth is, there’s a million reasons that it could have been that it wasn’t me. I hadn’t played their second game. I am a designer, so I don’t have the engineering foundation the rest of the team has. Maybe my references are too far out of date. Maybe my willingness to accept a lower salary than normal made it look like I didn’t know my own value. I mentioned the Activision Blizzard lawsuits and they aren’t sure they want someone who has sued their employer before. I am a woman, but even worse, I’m outspokenly feminist. I am anti-AI. I got distracted mid-interview because I have ADHD and I am currently unmedicated.

Or, the more likely one, I was a great candidate that they considered hiring, but there was someone else who was just SLIGHTLY better. A little more experience. A little more technical. A little more of a culture fit.

Despite knowing, intellectually, that I was better than a majority of the applicants and I did GREAT at my interviews, there’s still a tiny voice that says “Maybe I messed up.” and lists all those things two paragraphs ago. Here’s my advice – strangle that voice until it shuts the fuck up.

Once again, it’s not you. The industry is in a free fall. The companies that were hiring a year ago are closing. There’s ZERO funding if you don’t already have a large community for your indie game, and sometimes not even then.

Now. Even knowing these truths, even seeing how hard it is for someone with my level of resume, it’s completely valid and reasonable to feel bad/upset for not getting a role you managed to get the interview for. It sucks!

So how do I deal with it?

First off, remind yourself of the context of the world, industry, and economy. This wouldn’t be happening in 2019. This didn’t even happen in 2008 and that was another trash fire year for the industry. It’s NOT YOU.

Second, allow yourself to mourn the possibility. When I thought I might get this job, I started planning a possible to move to a larger house. Maybe even a trip to Japan. All of that won’t happen now, but it’s useful to remind myself – I am in the same position I was before I applied and that’s STILL a better position than many others. But it’s still sad to realize that I am probably not going to be replacing my couch or mattress this year, despite needing to. So I allow myself that sadness. (Ideally with a time limit. I try not to let it drag on for more than 2-3 days, then it’s just sparkling depression.)

Third, don’t dwell on it. I know this is hard, but letting go of the hurt is the only way to recover from it. Take a moment to post mortem the interview process. I like to write down questions I was asked, and noodle over perfect answers I could have given. How to phrase a story to make it funny and interesting. How to cut a story down that went on too long. But after that, just remind yourself you can’t change the past. Someone has been hired. You can iterate for the next one.

Next, I “clear out the dust”. I know this sounds kind of “hippy dippy” but trust me on this. I go for a LONG walk. Like, walk so far that you consider getting an uber home. Ideally walk in nature. As far away from a screen as you can get. Then I come home, put on my favorite music (right now it’s K-Pop Demon Hunters), and then I clean. I start with daily chores, and just keep going until I physically can’t anymore. Even if I am still sad, I am too exhausted to be able to deal with it, and I sleep better.

I also try to make sure I change at least one thing about the space I interviewed in. Not sure why, but it feels like I am actively “breaking” the memory of the failure. I clean the space and optimize something. I hang new art. I change the lighting. Something. Big changes are even better. Reorganizing my desk or bedroom to change the feel of the room. By changing the space, I am changing the way it feels. So instead of sitting at my desk and having the memory of the interview come up, I sit at my desk and think “Man, I am glad I fixed that doom pile that was over there.” We’re replacing a sad emotion with a positive one.

Allow yourself a “break” from the application and interview treadmill. I know, most people can’t do this, but if you can, try to do something that is soothing or comforting for yourself. Plan a specific “I won’t look at job boards or linkedin day.” Find a project you’ve been meaning to do and focus on it for a day or three. Even better if the project is fixing your living space or results in a physical item being created. (I think I’m going to try to tackle my paper doom piles.)

Do the same kinds of things you would do if you were just laid off, or mourning a loss of any kind. Be kind to yourself. Not only do you deserve it, you’ve been trough a tough challenge that didn’t pan out, but also you deserve it regardless. If beating yourself up worked, it would have by now. This isn’t something YOU could have changed the outcome on.

I can’t make a company offer me a job.

I can’t make more jobs appear.

I can’t –

Sorry, I just got the rejection email.

*SIGH*

The best interview I’ve ever had and I didn’t get it. Yes, this literally happened while I was typing this post up.

Do you believe me now? It’s NOT YOU.

Okay, well, let’s move on to the next part, how to feel okay about the person who did get the role.

First off, let’s be very clear here – the other applicants are NOT the enemy. They are your peers. Your contemporaries. Your possible future co-workers! It’s NOT THEIR FAULT they got the job. Just like it wasn’t your fault you didn’t.

They just – fit a little better. They had a little more connection to the studio. They just managed to win that roll of the dice.

The game industry is REAL small. They might be the one interviewing you in a year when the company opens more roles. I’ve worked with several people MULTIPLE times at different companies.

I’ve been friends with people who were in direct competition for a role, and we both knew it. I’m not going to stop being someone’s friend because they managed to score a job over me. I even talked about one of my “competitors” in an interview one time KNOWING she was also interviewing! (Yes, Jackie Wiley IS amazing at her job and totally the right call if you want an exceptional quest designer.)

Heck, the job I was just rejected from I literally gave them a reference that included ANOTHER PERSON WHO WAS ALSO INTERVIEWING FOR THE SAME ROLE.

Because the truth is we’re all in this together. No one wants the industry to be this “rolling dumpster fire”, it just is.

I’m going to repeat this – we’re all in this together. Games are so often a collaborative effort between dozens (or hundreds) of people from all different disciplines working together towards a singular goal. Every other game dev you meet has something to teach you, no matter how many years you’ve been in the industry or how many games you’ve shipped. And if you allow yourself to be angry and bitter over the loss of this job, you’re actively making yourself a worse hire later.

Now, I’m going to finish this up with a story and a bit of “hippy” talk.

Back in 2010, I had been unemployed for 5 months after the closing of Sega Studios San Francisco. After a summer of barely being able to find jobs I was qualified for, I applied to two different companies. One, the one I wanted MORE, was at Nihilistic. My buddy Jeff Kung worked there. He had recommended me. There was a SUPER COOL lady designer in charge of design. I had never worked with a lady designer at that point* (note – since this event, a person I worked with transitioned and now this story is no longer completely accurate, but at the TIME, I didn’t know I was working with a lady designer, because she hadn’t transitioned yet.) I liked the game. I liked the studio. I learned Maya in a WEEK to do their design test, which I felt was awesome.

Then they told me no. I was CRUSHED. Heartbroken. They were working on a game for Playstation! UGH.

A week later I got the call back for an interview with the other job I had applied to. I went to my interview, but I didn’t have a recommendation there. I wasn’t even sure I wanted to work for *Activision*. I didn’t expect to get the job.

But as it turns out, they needed heavy scripters and the hiring manager also played WoW, so he understood that my WoW addon scripts made me totally qualified to do the job. And that’s how I got hired on to be a level designer for a game that would eventually be called Skylanders.

Sometimes things happen for a reason. Sometimes it’s the universe lining you up for a better spot.

Emotional Roller Coasters

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I’ve never been a fan of roller coasters. They tend to trigger anxiety attacks in me, which sometimes become panic attacks.

Losing a job is one of the more stressful events you can experience. It’s right up there with the death of a close family member and the birth of a child. Everything kind of changes all at once and you’re left feeling like something is missing. I could spend days talking about how garbage it is that our society places so much importance on being productive and having a job that we completely wrap our entire selves up in it, but I don’t feel like that today. TL:DW, it’s bad and you might need to repeat to yourself that your worth is not measured by your productivity.

I will add, it’s especially bad when you lose your job because of things entirely beyond your control. I can’t change how many people buy a game. I can’t change the cost of rent. I can’t change the fact that MBAs and VCs are actively looting our industry with their mad gambles to try to out Fortnite Fortnite. I can only change my own behavior.

Related, this is why I so often repost or talk about Indie Games from people I adore. Supporting small indies is literally the only way to take back our industry from the Money Men. But again, that’s a whole different blog post.

What I want to talk about is the emotional weight (and how to deal with it) of being laid off.

It doesn’t matter how often it happens, or how much you expect it, it always hits like a truck. I became worried about layoffs when we slipped past our first “potential release date”. We barreled towards our second, a mere 2 months later. Still anxious and stressed about it, we again were given more time to keep working. And we did. In the end, I had been preparing to be laid off for 10 MONTHS before it actually happened.

“I braced for impact for so long, it wasn’t relieving to finally impact.”

Fortunately, unlike some of my other layoffs, this one happened along a clear timeline. We were told it might happen 2 months in advance. Every week we were given information that made it fairly clear that the headcount cut was coming. We had shifted (without input, it just happened naturally) to a 2 week sprint cadence. We knew that time was running out and no one wanted to leave things undone.

When it finally happened, I breathed a deep sigh. They gave us a couple of days to gather materials, hand out contact info, etc. That’s always nice. It’s not the norm though.

I like to compare it to being in a thornbush. Along the way some decision was made and you ended up here, in a place that is only filled with sharp points that poke into you every time you try to move or even breathe. You freeze so that the thorns stop hurting you, but they’re still there. There’s no easy escape and often the only way out is through.

Fortunately, I had been bracing for impact for SO long, I knew exactly what my runway was. I knew what the backup plans were. I knew how long I could relax before I’d have to find another thornbush to jump into.

I am lucky enough to have a partner who is also in games, who also understands, and who is also an Android Developer. He had already updated his resume and was mid interviews with a small local company.

“Tag, you’re it.” I joked as I flopped down on the couch, exhausted.

I started thinking about all the times I’ve been laid off before. A couple of times I wasn’t laid off, but the layoffs were imminent. I managed to – multiple times – in my career sneak out just before they hit. I got really good at reading the signs.

Layoff Signs, for future reference:

They do an inventory of computers and equipment. (Always backup your work on a regular cadence, but if this happens, do it immediately.)
Normal spending that would usually happen very quickly, is drawn out. As if they aren’t sure it’s worth it to spend the money right now.
There’s little to no work and everyone is being encouraged to take time off. (They want you to burn your PTO so they don’t have to pay it out.)
Hiring Freezes are more overt. Sometimes they’re sneaky though and instead they’ll just not interview anyone for a position.
Delaying standard “business” activities. (Updating hardware, annual reviews, or training.)
Penny Pinching software licenses.
Multiple Leadership people leave in a short time.
Leadership checks out.

In 2022, while working at Zynga, I started noticing several of these behaviors at our company, despite being well funded and near shipping. So I started poking around at other jobs. The industry was already a trash fire of layoffs, and I didn’t want to be caught without a job. Ryan’s work was already seeing contract cancellations, and I didn’t want to risk it. I interviewed with a couple of companies and I got two offers. (One was good, the other was HOT garbage.) I decided to stick around because the offer wasn’t quite good enough, and I wanted my annual bonus from Zynga. 3 months later, the first “round” of layoffs hit. Some companies do a big layoff all at once. Some try to “fly under the radar” and instead lay people off slowly, over time. Zynga liked to do it slow. Just a couple of people, and always a few short of having to notify WARN.

I felt the target on my back and reached out to the “good” offer I had turned down three months earlier. This is how, in 2023, as the layoffs in the industry were REALLY ramping up, I managed to land a new job in 2 business days. (Kim, why do you say it like that? Because I realized on Friday when my lead was laid off that I was going to be next. Monday was a holiday. Tuesday I reached out and by Tuesday evening I had a signed offer letter with a shiny new start date. That’s INSANE. That would have been BLAZINGLY fast BEFORE the industry began collapsing.)

I swapped over to my new studio, and things started off swimmingly. As I mentioned in my return post though, that didn’t last long. We had a round of layoffs (more than 100 people) and while I survived, the writing on the wall was very grim. I held out until the project I was on lost it’s funding. And once more, this time in 2024, I was looking for a job hoping to beat the “rush” as it were. I was successful, and in 31 days, secured a new role. As it turns out, I slipped out a mere 3 weeks before the layoffs hit. It probably would have been better for me to have waited, snagging that sweet severance, but I had a job so I wasn’t too upset about it.

In my early career I was at a company that closed (effectively, if not in name), a company that did a mass layoff two weeks after I left, and then again had a company close on me.

Sega Studios SF made Iron Man 2. We did a decent job given the timeline and the technical challenges of the game. It sold as expected. And despite this, despite the plan being to cut only 40% of the studio, the morning came where instead of laying off 40% of the company, they just shut the whole thing down. I was totally unprepared.

What happened next would be the foundation for this post, the advice I will give, and my current activities. I was unemployed for 5 months. Due to my (now ex) partner’s job at the time, we were not open to relocating. And even being in the Bay Area, there’s only SO many level designer jobs out there. 2010 was still in the period recovering from the recession. Things were still “coming back”. What do you do when you are unemployed for 5 MONTHS? What do you do during the long haul of anxiety and uncertainty?

Week 1:

The first week after a layoff is a MIND fuck, make no mistake. You will cycle between emotions with stunning speed and frequency. Sometimes even good emotions!

I always choose to post immediately about it. I want people to know when talking to me where the wounds are so they don’t poke them.

There’s a couple of different Tasks I would recommend this first week.

Go ahead and file for unemployment. It’s your money, and it will take a week or three to get functional.
If you’re feeling up to it, update your resume and portfolio while it’s still fresh.
Cut all non-critical spending. (Cancel subs, services, etc.) (More on this later.)
Clean your habitat.

And that’s it. You can apply to jobs or start networking, but in the current situation, it’s fairly unlikely you will be snapped up immediately. We’re prepping for a marathon, not a sprint. Don’t make ANY large decisions this week. They can wait a week. What you actually NEED this week is to rest and reset.

I highly recommend taking a day, and ANGER CLEANING. I usually put on old clothes, tie my hair back, and just start with the intent of getting as gross and sore as possible. The goal here is to be sore enough that you feel like actually sitting on the couch and watching something silly. The goal is to be gross enough to take a shower where you wash your whole body twice. The goal is to throw away every single piece of trash in your house. Think of it like, Spring Cleaning, but more about cleaning away the negative emotions.

This time I decided to clean bathrooms. Both of ours were very gross and with all the extra work I hadn’t had time to do it for weeks and weeks. Both toilets were fuzzy. The floors were covered in hair. Both showers were covered in mold and needed a deep clean. I got to it. 4 hours later, I had two sparkling bathrooms, two bags of trash, and I was tired enough to nap.

Humans have all these super cool evolutionary adaptations, but our bodies often react as if we’re still living in tribes. “You can’t run away from your problems, except when you can.” was a quote from an article I read about running as a treatment for anxiety. Literally running away from your problems closes the loop in our brains to make us think the danger has passed, so we can let go of the anxiety and move forward. The trick with cleaning is to do ENOUGH of it to trigger that “I got away from the tiger.” reaction in your brain. Also, having that room/area clean will make you feel better. I promise.

Week 2:

This week you should feel your emotions stabilizing. You’re not being bombarded with well meaning platitudes from friends. You aren’t being asked awkward questions anymore. You’ve likely slept a whole bunch. (That’s totally normal! You’ve been through a traumatic event and your brain needs more rest than usual!)

Update Resume and Portfolio (recheck it if you did it last week.)
Check for open roles at places you WANT to work. I am being specific about the narrow category here, because you want to “stagger” applications.
Calculate your personal runway and make a backup plan.
Clean another room.
Come up with your Daily Schedule.

I always like recommending people review their resume and portfolio a week later. You’ve rested by now, time to double check you remembered all the cool shit you did. I also recommend starting slow for applying for jobs. Right now there are SO few game jobs, you want to focus on quality not quantity. Apply to jobs you KNOW you’d be in the top choices for. Especially if you have network connections there.

I am going to assume though, that like my 2010, 2017, and now 2026, you won’t find a job immediately. So here’s where “Organization Renders Any Goal Achievable.” okay, maybe not, but producers sure love when I say that. So we’re settling in for a long haul. Unemployment usually only last for 3-6 months, based on where you are, and often does not cover rent. Before I go forward, here’s a reminder – YOU ARE NOT YOUR PRODUCTIVITY.

There’s no shame in being laid off (at least, not for you, the laid off one.) There’s no shame in moving back in with parents, downsizing, or even taking a job outside of the industry. Repeat after me: Make Art, Make Rent, and Help Others Do The Same. Anyone who will judge you for these things is not a person you should be listening to.

So at this point, (last week), we knew we had enough savings to get us to the end of our lease. Additionally, we could swing a U-Haul and are fortunate enough to have not one, but two parents homes where we would be welcome, if not comfortable, staying. So that’s our Runway and Backup Plan sorted. It’s not a great backup plan, but it means not being homeless, so it’s valid.

Now that the initial shock is worn off, it’s still challenging, but important, to review all your expenditures and go into “poverty mode”. It’s always a bummer to cancel stuff like Patreon or subs to small creators, but they will understand. They’ve been there too. I always like to slightly gamify this step, as it makes it easier for me. I try to see how much I can cut. Can I just drink tap water for a month? Let’s find out! Making it a challenge or giving myself a score for it makes me more likely to stick with it and give it a real chance.

This second week, I cleaned our kitchen. While doing so, I made sure to take time to do all the small things – small projects – that would take 30 minutes or so, and I had been putting off for months.

In 2010, when I was unemployed for 5 months, I didn’t start off with a plan. I just kind of existed for a month or so, then settled into playing WoW all day. Not to knock playing WoW all day, but it doesn’t pay the bills. After a while, I realized if I didn’t apply SOME form of structure to my life, I would continue to feel depressed and horrible about my job situation. I came up with a daily, weekly, and monthly schedule.

My daily schedule is very much focused on “meat suit upkeep”. If you’ve ever done “Time Boxing” exercises, this helps quite a bit. I have set times for things like – eating, showering, walks, and waking/sleeping. But then I will have a “one hour learning” block. I keep these very vague and loose, to allow for emotional and mental adjustments. Some days are emotionally hard, so I make sure I can do emotionally neutral activities those days. Some are more mentally taxing, so I plan for “easy brain” stuff as well.

My weekly schedule included things like “On Monday check all the job boards.” “On Wednesday, do all the laundry.” “On Friday, make a better than normal meal.” All of the goals I set were things that made me feel better or made me feel like I was at the very least, pushing slightly forward.

My monthly schedule included things like “Add a new level to my portfolio.” “Make a Non-Game Resume.” “Rearrange all the furniture in the living room to fix the flow.”

Your schedule will entirely depend on you, but I highly recommend focusing on things you DO NOT get time to do while working. Read a ton of books. Write down your emotions in a journal (not on social media). Reorganize your closet. Sell all those random things you’ve been thinking about selling but just haven’t found the time. Complete projects. I like to (usually during week 2 actually!) walk around my house with a notepad just writing down all the “in progress” or “not started” projects and tasks. Then I rate them on “Emotion Weight” (1-5, 1 easy, 5 hard), “Physical Demands”, and “Length of Time”. I like to start long projects on Monday, with a soft goal of completing it “this week.” I like to save emotionally challenging tasks and do them all on the same day (think about Parks and Rec’s episode with the 97 meetings) and then give myself a break the next day. (If I apply for jobs on Monday, I can play Genshin for an extra hour on Tuesday.) I then take this list, put it into a more organized list, and start checking things off.

Week 3 and Beyond

As time goes by, you will feel the roller coaster less and less. Things become more routine, you get into the cycle of actually changing your sheets every week. You settle into applying for jobs, but hearing nothing back. If you’re working out, you’ll start to notice changes. You might even start working on your own game. (You should absolutely work on your own game.)

Really, the important thing here is to protect your mental health. Track the things you do over days, recording how each activity or thing made you feel, and then in subsequent days, repeat the actions that make you feel better. Lean into things that make you feel like you have control over the situation. I like to pack the days with activities I would LOVE to do normally, but cannot due to work. If you’re going to be spending your savings (or accruing debt) might as well make it worth it and live your best version of life.

Watch a TV show you’ve never seen but people constantly reference. (Highly recommend X-Files or Supernatural for this.)
Watch a movie you’ve always meant to.
Read those books on your nightstand.
Play literally any of your backlog.
Learn some basic yoga (yoga is the GOAT for staying active while also not risking injuries.)

Listen to your body and give yourself grace. I like to say, “Never say something to yourself that you wouldn’t say to your best friend.” And it’s good advice here. Instead of beating yourself up about something you cannot control, be the friend you need that gives you support. Also, reach out to friends for support. Ask them to review your resume or cover letter. Ask them to read over your portfolio. Ask them to hang out (but somewhere cheap because you’re broke.)

Now, real talk, the Industry is a dumpster fire. Even stable profitable games and companies have been laying people off and while some still parrot sayings like “survive to 25” or “make it stick to 26”, we’re all very aware of the state of the industry. I often say “Any port in the storm.” and this is the storm of the century. Don’t feel bad if this means finding a job only tangentially related to games. Don’t feel bad if it means working at Costco. You cannot control the industry and you certainly can’t control the economy. You are a leaf on the wind and just trying to not get speared.

Try to balance your days in such a way that you don’t run out of emotional bandwidth or end up bed rotting, BUT IF YOU DO THAT’S OKAY. It’s okay to have a day where you do nothing but exist. You have been working very hard for a very long time and your body knows when it needs a break. Let it have one, since the universe has been so kind as to give you the time. (Mild sarcasm there. But it’s also annoyingly true.)

My currently weekly goals include writing more here. If you’re on the Ghost Hunter Simulator Patreon, you’ll see me pop up there this week too.

But remember, your job is not who you are. Your employment status is not a measure of your worth. You are capable. This is not a normal market and not normal for the industry. You are living through unprecedented times (again) and thus need to remind yourself of these facts.

Edit Update:
https://www.thewritegame.com/post/the-layoff-talk-presentations-by-worth-dayley

Here’s a link to a super cool powerpoint that covers many of the same things I talk about. It’s good stuff!

taps Is this thing still on?

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Well, a lot has happened since the last time I updated here.

A global pandemic, I moved halfway across the country TWICE, I’ve changed jobs 3 times since then, and released 4 games since then.

There’s quite a bit to catch up on I guess.

Let’s start with, after a little over 4 years at Blizzard, I chose to leave and accepted a job at Zynga. There’s a lot to that story, and I am not sure I will ever delve into it on this blog, but if I ever publish my book “Tales from the Meat Grinder”, that story will be detailed in there. You don’t spend 12 years trying to get a job then 3 months in google “I got my dream job and I hate it, now what?” without there being a lot of story there.

As a part of joining Zynga, I relocated to Austin for 18 months. I worked on Star Wars Hunters, a mobile game, that was a team based character arena shooter. It was fun! It also SUCKED! Again, more stories for the Meat Grinder.

I was hired away from Zynga by Lost Boys Interactive and I was really excited to work there. In the 16 months I was there, I ended up working on 8 different projects. I am pretty sure my brain melted at one point. However the contraction of the Industry was clear, so I kept a close eye on the state of our company and when we lost the contract we were on, I started looking immediately. I ended up landing a job at Noodle Cat Games. While there, we shipped Cloudheim! It’s a really fun co-op game and you should check it out.

However, as of today, I have been furloughed. As it turns out, the economy being shit and the price of groceries skyrocketing means people aren’t spending as much on games, and if they are, it’s not new ones.

Oh and I also shipped my own indie game with my husband Ryan. It’s called Ghost Hunter Simulator, and it does what it says on the tin, LOL. There’s also a free demo – Here – if you want to check it out, but are also struggling under the aforementioned price of groceries.

I KNOW. I shipped two games in the same calendar year and somehow didn’t go completely insane, but I am very burned out now. As a result, I am sort of looking forward to my furlough and just <existing> as a human for a bit.

I’ve wanted to resurrect this blog for a while. (I even have a couple of posts in google docs already to go.) But considering the state of things *gestures at everything* it’s been challenging to find the time and the energy to do it. The universe has conspired to help me and as a result, here we are.

I’m still noodling (aw, Noodle Cat) over what I want to do where, because like everyone else with ADHD, I have 50 irons in the fire and no clue which one I want to hammer out next. Here’s a short list:

I stream GHS development most Saturdays on Twitch. And I have several more levels that need lots of work.

I upload the uncut streams to YouTube, and I need to learn video editing to cut them down into useful tutorials and clips.

I also want to do Resin Crafting YouTube Videos.

And Cheap Cooking Videos.

And I want to keep writing on my Memoirs, Tales from the Meat Grinder, about my experiences in the Games Industry.

I am also writing a book that’s currently called “How to Parent an ADHD child with ADHD, using Game Design.” It’s pretty much a guide to help parents figure out how to best work with their kid’s neurospicy brain instead of fighting against it.

I am also writing a Romantasy Novel, The Owl Mother.

I also want to blog here. But also blog on our Patreon about Game Dev.

I also apparently need to update my portfolio for the last decade of my work.

It’s a lot. And the world is a lot. And my kid is 13 now, so he gets a lot of my time.

And apparently relearn wordpress.

I’m tired already.

A dilemma of epic levels

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So I canceled my WoW accounts this week.

WoW is a thing I do as a hobby. I play other games, but WoW is the one I could play all day. And I did.

I love playing WoW. As you can tell, by the things I generally rant on here about, WoW is my favorite game and the one I am most critical of.

I left the game over the sexism. It all started with one little thing that pisses me off. Rating a woman based on how she looks. Then calling her by that number. So I started writing about it, but the more I thought about it, the more instances of sexism I saw. It was like when you wipe that one spot on your tv and suddenly realize the entire entertainment center is completely covered in a thick layer of dust.

There were 3 reactions to my defection:

1. Good for you! Get away from that addictive game.

First off, this reaction really bothers me. Yes, WoW can be addictive. But addiction implies that something leads to harmful consequences. Does WoW lead to harmful consequences for me? I have never lost a job, failed a class, lost a pet/child, become ill, or not been able to live my life because of WoW.

Second, I generally play less WoW in a day than other people watch tv. Or look at the internet. Or read. WoW as a hobby, is an entertainment thing just like other games, tv shows, movies, or books. In fact, for me, it can be considered career supporting since it often makes me consider design topics and challenges.

2. This makes me sad.

I was very surprised by this reaction. Several people said it, and when I asked for clarification this is what was said: “It makes me sad, because it’s something you clearly enjoy so much. It sucks when people can’t do the thing they enjoy because of sexist bullshit.”

:'( I love these people. They don’t play WoW. They don’t like WoW. All they know is that it makes me happy and for that reason they want it to be better. For me. <3

3. You shouldn’t quit. You need to stay, so *someone* will be here to call them on their bullshit.

To be fair, this came from 3 people in game and 2 people out of game. This surprised me. Mostly because I was expecting everyone to support my decision fully.

This argument gave me pause. Was there a way for me to play WoW, while still not accepting their bullshit? From my point of view, the only way to make them listen is to hit them where it hurts, their subscriber numbers. Withholding money does nothing at this point because they are so monolithic they wouldn’t even feel my $30 a month. But -2 subs, after the last two years of bleeding over 4 million subs? That would hurt more.

I thought about it all weekend. While desperately wanting to boot up WoW and play, I found myself out of sorts and cranky. Because I wasn’t playing WoW. I played some Skyrim. And Minecraft. And Pokemon. But each of them wasn’t enough to distract me from knowing I wasn’t going to be playing WoW that night. I cleaned, organized, and watched some Big Bang Theory.

And then… an episode aired on Big Bang Theory. It was the one where the girls didn’t go to Vegas and instead stayed and played Dungeons and Dragons with the guys.

I like Big Bang Theory, and I have talked about it several times. It does tend to craft it’s gags from stereotypical nerd culture. And I can honestly say, in the 25 YEARS I have played D&D, I have never played with another woman.

The jokes they made through the whole thing were not funny, and more than a little sexist. As I sat there, already hurting because of the loss of something I loved due to sexist bullshit, I wanted to turn it off. But then I had that moment. Where you hear something you don’t really want to hear, but it makes total sense. I could hear this minister from my youth, standing up there advocating that everyone in our church stop watching TV because it wasn’t Christian and Godly. I actually remember laughing out loud, then getting a ton of nasty stares. Even then I thought, There’s no way I would do that. I was a part of the world, and so was Buffy. And even if Buffy wasn’t very Christian, there was no way in hell I wasn’t going to watch it. And I laughed because I remember thinking there was no one at that church who would be willing to give up TV.

I watch Big Bang Theory, and though I can see the reasons people might dislike it, from my lens it doesn’t strike those same chords. Is WoW the same way? It stuck the chord, but how does that look through other people’s lenses? We can love something while still being concerned and critical over the problematic aspects of it. Thank you Anita.

I think the devs made the correct choice, both on hotfixing it out so quickly and on ignoring it otherwise. Why is ignoring it a good idea? Calling it out, even as being fixed, would just draw the slavering masses of horrid sha who follow these things and attack us “Crazy censoring over reacting feminists”. Even more, they *have* made the correct choice on some occasions – female druids, transmogrification to fix the sexy armor issue, etc.

Here’s the center of this problem : the people making this game (and a large chunk of players) do not care about how these things make us feel, because it doesn’t make them feel that way. This is privilege. They don’t care what someone says about a woman on the street, because no one would do that to them. They aren’t boiled down to a number. They aren’t measured purely on their looks.

Blizzard still needs to hire a feminist (preferably a woman) to their writing team. Her job needs to be to review everything before it goes into the game. To champion strong female lore characters. To champion strong female villains, until we approach 50% female characters. Her job is to prevent things like these orcs and the quests that occasionally go to far. Her job would including speaking up and saying, “Hey guys, include a female in the cinematic.” Even better, hire a woman of color and she can do double duty and make sure they aren’t pissing minorities off either!

The answer is not necessarily removing the offending material either. For example, our orc friends – I think it may have even been better to have a quest where the player has to go tell them off. Then put in a random chance – every so often they would attack instead of slinking off. What an eye opener. How interesting that would be. Even allowing me, as an orc player, to kill them would have been nice, fulfilling the power fantasy and all. (Revenge porn – for street harassed women!)

Blizzard needs to fix their problem. But what about me? How do I fix my problem? Do I cut and move on? Do I stay and call them on their shit? I feel like going back now would make me seem weak and unable to stand my ground. But I do also think now, leaving, and taking my voice away, is the wrong choice. They need my voice. They need me bitching as loudly as I can over it. Because I will. Not every woman who is bothered by it will. But I will. I am not afraid of attacks over my feminist sensibilities. I am not afraid of speaking up. My courage has always served me well, and maybe this is the place to apply it.

The Game’s the thing.

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I was asked how I felt about how big a success Skylanders has been. How did I feel about it becoming a pop culture phenomenon.

Dazed? Unbelieving? Surprised? No single word could possibly describe the emotions I feel. Humbled. Awed. Ecstatic.

So instead, I will tell you a story.

As a kid, my mother and I played tons of video games. It was a family thing. But when the power would go out, we would bust out the board games and drag the whole family into a game of Monopoly. We occasionally played even when the power wasn’t out, but that was the only time everyone would play. Around the time I hit High School, Monopoly started creating all of these variations, generally licensed. Star Wars Monopoly, Nintendo Monopoly, Pokemon Monopoly, and so on. I LOVED IT. I bought at least a dozen different versions.

Me and my mom would cycle through them, playing all the different ones. We even came up with Uberopoly, a version that required NINE Monopoly boards, arranged in a grid, with special rules on passing Go, turning corners, moving to new boards, and the requirement that you had to have ALL of a color before you could claim a Monopoly. We played it for DAYS and had no idea who was even close to winning.

This year they are making a Skylanders Monopoly.

Does that one sentence sum it up? All the emotion and disbelief of how well our game has done. Right there, in one sentence.

It’s just not possible. It’s just unbelievable. World of Warcraft gets a Monopoly. Disney gets a Monopoly. Doctor Who gets a Monopoly.

A kid’s game for the Wii at the end of the console’s life cycle does not get a Monopoly. Except it does. When it becomes a worldwide phenomenon, sells 2.5 toys a SECOND, and makes over a billion dollars, it gets a Monopoly game.

And creates this huge ball of feeling inside me, that completely shuts down my brain, and makes me feel like… How can I top THIS? I am 30, and I am seriously asking the question, how do you top a game you worked on, becoming so big, you get your childhood all wrapped up in a licensed version of your work. Calling it a success seems superfluous at this point.

What do I do next? What is the encore?

Shocked. To the point of tears. I just sit here and think, I have the coolest job, working with the coolest people, on the coolest game ever.

I am sure Skylanders Monopoly will be the Monopoly I play with my son. “See, this is mommy’s game. This is your game.”

#1ReasonWhy Post #2

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Someone (FluxxDog) asked me, How does this attitude towards women get perpetuated in the first place.

I have talked about this at great length, in a bunch of different places, so here I will gather my thoughts on it.

First and foremost, the “boys club” is a cultural thing. Back when games went from being pen and paper and board to video, the people who knew how to program, the people who were into computers and the things they could do, were predominantly educated white males. Remember, we are talking about the 70s. In the 70s, the civil rights movement was still fighting for rights. Women are STILL fighting for the right to birth control today. Those of us born in the 70s and 80s tend to view these things as “ancient” history. They are neither.

So, when you have people who are into this new fangled thing called a “computer” but most of those people are college students and graduates in engineering fields, which were pretty homogenous, you are going to end up with a noticeable lack of diversity.

Of course, computers, and thus video games, became virtually ubiquitous over the next 20 years. But take a look at the turning point of where games went from being a hobby thing to being a money thing. You have guys who are making games as a hobby, and “publishing” those games by copying the .exe to a floppy, putting the floppy in a ziplock baggy with a hand made label. When they realized they could make money from it, they shifted from making things just to goof off to making things that would sell. When your audience is a bunch of hobbyist computer nerds, you make games that appeal to hobbyist computer nerds.

Don’t discount the cultural pressures on the sexes at the time either. I am 100% certain if not for my older brother, I would never have gotten into games and nerdy things. Even in the 80s, girls were being pushed towards gender roles. I remember being told that playing games was a “waste of time” and I should learn to do something useful, like learn to sew. I didn’t want to sew, I wanted to play games. Lucky me, my mother let me. This was in the LATE 80s and early 90s. Seriously, we are NOT past cultural pressure into gender roles. Look at Lego and Lego Friends. It’s RIGHT THERE on your toy store shelf. Walk up the aisle between action figures and Barbie.

So what happened as games evolved from Pong to World of Warcraft? Well, guys who made games and wanted to make money made games for guys who were willing to spend their money on “frivolous” games. Remember, the cultural norm for women was to spend money on clothes, shoes, and jewelery. Oh man, I suddenly remember in HIGH SCHOOL (96-2000) being asked by someone why I always wore t-shirts and blue jeans, since I could clearly afford “better” clothes because I was always buying books and games. THAT WAS 13 YEARS AGO.

Games were a luxury item. Consoles, computers, all of that, were things people spent their “extra” money on. And women generally didn’t have discretionary funds to spend on “useless” things like games. (I remember reading just a few years ago that young women were finally considered a worthy market with lots of money for marketers.)

So guys, making the games, made the games for guys. So when women came in and wanted to play, they would play games that were directly targeted at men. The art styles, designs, and fantasies portrayed in the games were all directly targeted at the people who were going to spend money on it. So why would a woman, who could care less about blowing shit up, want to spend the hard earned money she had on that kind of game? Even series like King’s Quest, designed by a woman, didn’t get female protagonists until the FOURTH one in the series. The second game, and the first game I remember playing, was all about finding your princess.

This created what designers call a negative feedback loop. Guys make game for guys, so only guys like games, so games only get made for those same guys. If you tried to break out of the mold, your game company likely went under. Even worse, these early games sold like crazy. Teams were tiny, and the development costs were low, so 4 people working out of a garage could make a game that sold 50k copies fairly easily. And there wasn’t marketing costs, publishing costs, etc etc, so most of the money made was profit. And what do people do when they suddenly get a ton of money? They go crazy. (Sex, drugs, and rock and roll!)

So you have this entire industry based on this history of being a boys club. Which means, even at the time, when women tried to push in they were met with rampant sexism. Only at the time, it was impossible to do anything about it. High profile sexual harassment lawsuits really hadn’t made companies afraid of them, and so women weren’t as protected. They were over looked, ignored, and treated like eye candy. So, of course, women didn’t want to get into that.

Again, cultural expectations are heavily at fault here. Even today, even in 2012, when I had my son, there were WOMEN who were appalled I was putting him in daycare to go back to work. Especially since my “work” was “playing video games.” (Oh and don’t even get me started on the whole “video games are a waste of time/only for kids” crap.) 2012. That’s right. How horrible was I for making video games more important than my son? If I am getting that now, how was it for women 20 years ago? *shudder*

The feedback loop kept going, and got the industry in a nice cozy rut. People don’t LIKE breaking out of their comfort zones. As it took more people to make a game, and cost more money, they started to not like taking risks either. Why take a risk and possibly not get your money back when you can make the same old stale game you have made 10 times knowing it will sell at least enough copies to get you your money back?

There are a ton of small things that all add up to this thought that it is better to hire men than women. If it’s all men, no worries about maternity leave or babies. If it’s all men, no sexual harassment lawsuits. If it’s all men, at least we will all agree on the design goals. If it’s all men, we don’t have to behave and this can be like our frat house from college, man weren’t those the good old days?

Sadly, it’s just true that for people who enjoy the kinds of things that lead to one enjoying games, that they will end up being more comfortable with people LIKE themselves. So for the super nerdy programmer who has spent a great deal of time only around other super nerdy programmers, it can be very difficult to overcome the social anxiety of dealing with people who aren’t like them. So when that guy is in the position to hire… he is going to hire someone he likes.

The problem just compounds on itself. Because the bigger the industry got, the bigger the money got, the bigger the boys club got. Games like Duke Nukem attracted a certain demographic of guys. Who then went, DUDE this is awesome. Then they looked at the frat house culture of the studio that made that game and went, HOLY CRAP I WANT TO DO THAT AND GET PAID. Women looked at it, and went, UGH. And walked on. Even further, the people who had the money to find games were generally rich, old, white males. They didn’t trust female lead startups. So they wouldn’t fund them. So they would fail. And then the funders would say, “See, I told you it wasn’t a good investment. I told you they would fail.” It’s a self fulfilling prophecy.

But the culture slowly became more inclusive. Games got made that weren’t wildly offensive. Games got made that weren’t exclusionary. And Nintendo went, hey guys, let’s make games that *everyone* can play. Not only that, let’s make it EASY for everyone to play. Over time the number of women playing games increased. It’s now around 40%. The number of women making games increased too! It’s up to 12%.

That number seems low right? It’s because the cultures of studios are affected by the personalities of the people who form them. By the collective personalities of the people who work there. If you have a Dudebro form a studio and hire a bunch of Dudebros… guess who is going to feel wildly uncomfortable, unwanted, and disrespected? The industry is still growing. I would say we are just now hitting the early 20s. Games, generally, are becoming more inclusive and becoming more artistic. But you still have people who cling to the old ways and thoughts.

The problem gets perpetuated by the fact no one wants to speak up. Even through the whole 1reasonwhy women STILL weren’t posting some things. They weren’t naming names. They weren’t naming companies. They weren’t naming games. Because it’s SUCH a small industry. Everyone simply knows everyone and chances are, you are going to work with people time and time again. Speaking up, causing a fuss, and shaming men for their treatment of women isn’t going to make it better, it’s going to get you fired, unable to get a job, and make you a target for even worse aggression or treatment. Look at what happened to Jennifer Helfer. Look at what happened to Anita Sarkeesian because she wanted to talk about tropes vs. women in games. Not the gaming community or developers, just within the games themselves. And you would think she suggested that all gamers eat babies, kittens, and puppies from the way people reacted.

Even if you are comfortable speaking up, even if you are brave, even if you are in a safe place, sometimes the shock is just too much. I was sitting in a meeting, with designers, producers, and publishing execs, when one of them made an extremely sexist comment. Not at me, but just in general. I looked at him in shock. I was so stunned someone would feel that way, much less say it out loud with a woman IN THE ROOM, I was literally speechless. I probably looked like a complete idiot for the rest of the meeting staring at him with my mouth half open in shock. Would you believe I was praised later for not speaking up and “causing a scene”? I pointedly informed the person that if I had been able to form words, I would have.

But nothing was said. He wasn’t told how inappropriate and wrong what he did was. So he has no reason to believe he shouldn’t do it again. People don’t say anything. I have had men tell me things said to me upset them, but when I am not around, many of them won’t speak up. People are also generally taught as children to play nice, don’t make waves, and just go with the flow. This leads to everyone being aware of the problem, but no one wants to talk about it. They hope if they ignore it, it will go away.

We can’t just ignore it. We have to confront it. We have to be willing to risk everything in the hope of making a change. Simply asking someone to stop. Simply saying “That’s not cool.” Being willing to say, “I would rather make indie games and eat ramen than work with someone who is going to treat me like crap. ”

By staying silent, by simply accepting the status quo, we are perpetuating the problem. We have to be willing to help and support each other. I commented that one of the most important things is knowing which studios are good ones. When looking for a job, look at these places. Toys for Bob, Double Fine, Telltale, 2k Marin… All great places to work, that are woman friendly, all right here where I live (all of which I can personally vouch for). Make the list of good and bad places. Be aware of the good people and good leads, then follow them. When these places make great games (and they have and will again) and people ask why, explain that it is the culture and awesome people working there. The rest of the industry will figure it out.

#1ReasonWhy

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Monday, November 26th, a Twitter hashtag popped up on my feed. I normally ignore hashtags, but this one was suddenly being spammed by 4-5 people I follow, all of whom were game developers I followed. Even more noticeable, all were women. I discovered that someone, while having a conversation about sexism in the board game (pen and paper?) industry had started the hashtag as a way of connecting the various discussions she was having. Someone saw that she was giving reasons why it sucked to work in her male dominated field. The someone is a game developer, and as a female, could relate. So she started throwing her reasons into the ring as well.

36 hours later, there have been THOUSANDS of tweets, numerous blog posts, even a dozen or so game industry news posts, and yet another mentors list started up. All focused on ripping off the bandaid that has been precariously placed over the festering wound that is sexism in the video game industry.

I must say, I leapt RIGHT into it. Didn’t stop to think, and didn’t stop to worry, I jumped right in and shouted along with the rest. It never occurred to me that I might get in trouble with my work, despite the fact that it is exceptionally easy to figure out where and who I work for, mostly because, everything I would tweet about, doesn’t happen at my current job. Some women kept silent because the things they would say DO still happen at their jobs.

Really early in the discussion, a friend of mine, (white male developer) responded that it seemed like things were blown out of proportion and those sexist things didn’t happen anymore. Three hours later, he was tweeting that he was so sorry he had no idea, because the flood of women tweeting had grown so quickly and there were so many stories. Not stories of “heard from a friend” but each one a personal tale of things that have happened. Not ancient history, but RECENT history. GDC 2012 recent. This fall recent.

I wanted to recount some of my tweets here and then talk about what this all meant to me.

#1Reasonwhy

is that at companies you might have to sign a paper saying you won’t sue for Sexual Harassment, because their games are “mature”.
Because when you say something is inappropriate you are told you are being “too sensitive”.
because when a panel at PAX is about women in games, it’s about girlfriends who play games, not women making them.
because if I do an interview about being a game designer, everyone talks about how I look, instead of what I said.
is because at some companies, you have to worry about co-workers becoming overly attached, and getting fired because of it.
because old school devs/publishers still believe “shrink it and pink it” is how you target women.
because if I say something should be removed from a game because it’s offensive, I have to defend my position.
because during interviews it’s implied I will leave when I have kids.
is because parents expect boys to “goof off” playing games, but girls should do more “important” things like learn to cook.
I had a guy at GDC ask me if I was lost.
because when I play games, and guys find out I am a girl, they assume I am a lying guy, or just there for attention.
because when I wanted to play D&D as a kid, I was “weird”. (I did anyway.)
because when I say I am a gamer, people tell me “Farmville” doesn’t count. (I then link my WoW armory.)
is because if I bring up gender and sexism, I am assumed to be a man hater.
is because of things like the Frag Dolls, where guys only want women gamers included if they are “hot”. And that’s accepted.
because I once had an artist bait me by asking how he was supposed to make a character female without boobs or a bow.

At the time (really early in the trend) I thought I was listing off terrible things that people would completely disbelieve. Over the course of the night, I learned that my experiences, while bad, are no where NEAR the terrible some women have had to deal with. Not only that, but I was in such numerous company, that my tweets were lost in the sea of tweets that were nearly identical.

I often point to the Guildhall as the place that gave me all the tools to do what I needed in the video game industry and taught me what I needed to know to succeed. That is no less true when talking about sexism and how I should expect to be treated in the game industry.

While at the Guildhall, we had to work on team projects. During one such project the TortoiseSVN servers went out (our source control) and we had to pass the “latest” version of the game around on a thumb drive. One of the programmers offered up his thumb drive as it was big enough. When I popped the drive into my computer to grab the latest version, I discovered why guys *hate* using icons on Windows folders. There right next to our game file was a picture of a woman in a sexual situation. Oh yeah. That’s *exactly* what I wanted to see sitting in a ROOM FULL OF GUYS. Later, on this same project, a programmer put in placeholder art. Not that abnormal. The art was of a young (minor) girl pulling down her underwear with her butt towards the camera. All the guys on the team thought it was hilarious. Me, not so much. I ignored it, until I realized that it got turned in for a MILESTONE that way. WTH? Here was something, in a GRADUATE SCHOOL setting, that was going to have MY NAME on it, that effectively had a picture bordering on child porn! I was furious. So I went to the professor in charge of our team. Care to guess what happened? Absolutely nothing. I was told I was being too sensitive and that I better get used to it, because this was going to happen in the industry. This would lead to the LIST. The LIST is a list of guys in the industry I categorically refuse to work with. I would rather leave and make indie games as a starving artist than work with these men. (To be fair, a woman could be added to the LIST, but it hasn’t happened yet.)

A few terms later, I had my second experience with sexism at the Guildhall. The Guildhall at the time was a super intense program. You didn’t have time for an outside life, so you got pretty close to all your classmates. (Yep, I even ended up dating and marrying one of them.) One weekend we had a party, and I wore a tank top. Apparently, it was a bit tight. I had lost alot of weight at the Guildhall, so I was pretty happy with the way I looked and finally felt confidant enough to wear something that wasn’t two sizes too big. I later find out from a friend that one of the other guys at the school walked into my team’s room the next week and proceeded to start making comments about my shirt. He said things to the effect of that I “clearly wasn’t getting satisfied” and if I needed any help he was “more than willing to step up”. Lucky for me, one of the guys on the team (a sportsman type so he was quite large compared to all the other guys) stepped up and threw him out. (To this day, one of my favorite people.) Add another guy to the LIST.

When I left the Guildhall I started trying to get interviews everywhere. One of the first things I was told was “Oh it’s great, you’re a girl! You will get interviews JUST because they never see girls.” I really didn’t like the implication. Even further it was insinuated that I would likely get job offers *just* because I was female. I didn’t want job offers because I was female. I wanted job offers because I was AWESOME.

Here are some other things that happened, vagued up and out of chronological order. I got an email asking me about doing an interview one time, and the person on the other end thought it would be great to point out it had to be specially scheduled because they couldn’t take me to the normal interview place, a strip club. While on the subject of strip clubs, at GDC one year, I was standing in a group of people. We were all invited to an after party (omg awesome!) and then the person doing the inviting, stopped, looked at me, frowned and made a point of UN-inviting me. “You won’t like it, there will be strippers there.” (Ugh.)

As a female, playing and making games, guys tend to latch on. They have all had experiences with girlfriends who didn’t get gaming or even things like playing WoW. I already do. This makes it very easy for them to relate to me without having to leave their comfort zone. I expected to have guys ask me out or hit on me. What I didn’t expect was employers telling me to “be careful” in how I turn them down. One lead even went so far as to indicate that if I offended any of his guys when I turned them down, I would likely need to “update my resume”. I have had to learn to always bring up my husband in the first interaction at interviews and when meeting new people.

Oh interviews… what a tangled mess. Legally potential employers are not allowed to ask your marital status, age, or child plans. I have had an interview where the guy interviewing me asked if I had any questions about the company’s maternity policy at the end of the interview. When I indicated that I was not really worried about it, he smiled, laughed and said “Oh good. We don’t like hiring women about to become moms, they never come back from maternity leave.” Well, at least I know how you feel. I have interviewers who will make sure to call out during the interview that they work on “mature” games and that means I might see pictures of naked women or things that are “nsfw” and I need to be okay with that otherwise I can just leave now. One interviewer responded with relief when he found out I was married, as it meant I was “unlikely” to cause problems on the team.

Once you get past interviews, there are the inevitable HR interviews where you get to hear such lovely things as “What counts as harassment”, “How to deal with guys who ask you out”, and the ever lovely “You work in the game industry huh? That’s pretty brave. I guess you are used to this now.” Like the fact that it is prevalent makes it okay. Like because I knew it was like this when I got in, that means I just have to deal with it.

I also want to really point out, companies are not afraid of screwing women over as much as men. There is a weird double standard. I got paid HALF of what my male counter part did at a studio once. Why? Because I was hired on a temp basis, then when I wasn’t temp anymore, they didn’t have the money to pay me what I deserved. Lovely. I was also once informed, to my face, that a position I was promised, wasn’t being offered to me, because they needed it to offer to a guy they were trying to recruit. They had to offer him that position and not mine, because “he had a family to support” and needed a full time gig. Apparently I didn’t. Like I didn’t have student loans or rent to pay.

On the subject of looks… I am not “hot”. I am a overweight by at least 20 lbs. But I do have red hair (point in my favor), though I always wear t-shirts and blue jeans. Specifically MENS t-shirts. Why? Because when I branched out and wore baby doll shirts and fitted t-shirts, I got hit on, told I was being inappropriate, and actually had guys say, to my face, things about my breast size. Yay. Oh and what’s on the shirt matters too. I wore a Penny Arcade shirt that says “I’d tap that.” with a Magic the Gathering tap symbol on it. I was pulled aside, talked to about my “inappropriateness” and forced to change. All the while guys were in the office, ON THE SAME DAY wearing “Rogues do it from behind” and “How big is your sack?” complete with WoW bags on it, t-shirts. I did an interview about breaking into games, what a designer does, and what it’s like being a girl in games. It was put on YouTube. Every female commentor talked about my stories and asked questions. Every male commentor talked about my looks and the face that I was wearing a Team Fortress 2 shirt. They were not complementary on my looks, unless they liked redhair, then they were WILDLY sexual and inappropriate. I wore out YouTube’s report button that day.

The worst part about the whole looks thing is that it leads to situations where, I as a woman, am uncomfortable looking at women who have been put on display for the sole purpose of sex appeal. Ie – Booth Babes. Penny Arcade does alot of things wrong, but this one, this one they got RIGHT. But if I complain about the poor woman shoved into the skin tight latex outfit, I am told I am just “jealous” because I am ugly. Yeah that’s it. It has nothing to do at all with the fact that I am here to work, not have sex.

Oh and don’t even get me started on Fat, Ugly, or Slutty. That’s a whole other animal in gamer culture that needs to be exorcised and banished.

One year at PAX they had the Frag Dolls on a panel talking about Women in Games. I took it to be a “women making games” which yeah, my bad, but even a “women playing games” would have been better than it turning into the Frag Dolls preening on stage in skimpy outfits, talking about how they got paid to learn to play the games they play, and how they love beating guys. Oy vey. So much wrong I couldn’t even sit through it. I wouldn’t care about the skimpy outfits if there had even been one doll who was over 130lbs. Or if the implication that the majority of them were hired THEN trained to play video games. Or if I hadn’t realized that the point wasn’t to appeal to women who played games but rather to appeal to MEN who played games by creating a false image of super hot gamer girls who just want to find a nice nerdy guy to play games with. To this day I can’t hear or see them without feeling my stomach churn.

When talking games with guys, it gets really offensive. And sadly, they have NO IDEA. I have a Nintendo bag I use as a purse. I have had male gamers ask me, while POINTING AT IT “Oh, do you play video games?” No, I just like the yellow stars… WTH?!? Or when I go into a new Gamestop or my local one gets a new employee, and I walk in, the guys working there always flock to me, and ask if I need help. When I say no, they hover. Then comment on everything I look at. (Although, I must admit to a sense of great pleasure when these unknowing men find out I make games, and the looks on their faces… it’s priceless.) Fortunately I have managed to break a few Gamestop employees of this habit by informing them that not only do I know games, but I make them as well. They tend to remember that.

One of my biggest pet peeves is when I talk to a guy about playing games and they automatically assume I mean Farmville or Bejeweled. (Although, let’s be fair, some of those Farmville players are HARDCORE.) I roll my eyes and wait for the conversation to get interesting before pointing out that yeah, I played x, y, and z games. I beat the first two and hated the third. Oh, why yes, I DO play WoW. What level is my character? haha, silly boy… I have ONE OF EACH CLASS AT 85!* (*except warriors, and she is 80 because… god they are boring to play.) Not only that I am top DPS and occasionally heal in my raiding guild. (Again, the faces are PRICELESS.) I have video games from the PS1 era. I beat Suikoden WITH ALL THE STARS. Legend of Zelda – Check. Ocarina of Time? – Check. Baldur’s Gate? KotoR? Morrowind? Castlevania? Eternal Darkness? Heroes of Might and Magic? All check. (Oh and I could go ON.) Don’t compare gaming pedigrees with me. I got sent home with a note from school because I insisted Xyzzy was a word thanks to Zork. My FIRST MEMORY is of the end of King’s Quest 2. Oh and here’s a comic, that really illustrates this point.

Really oddly, some guys in the game industry seem to get really defensive over NOTHING. I was once asked which of 4 female characters I liked. I assumed that the guy doing the asking really wanted my opinion, and asked because we were attempting to target children aged 10-12 of both sexes. I looked at the four character designs, admitted that they were all pretty good, but this one, this one was the best. I pointed the one out. The girl in the drawing was standing up straight, with her shoulders squared, in a very heroic stance, and appeared to be about 12. Her hair was long, and in a ponytail. She looked like a strong interesting girl. Boom. The artist pointed at another one and said it was his favorite. The character was quite a bit younger appearing, around 7 or so. She had her finger in her mouth, her head tucked shyly, one foot turned with her toes dug into the ground, and pig tails, with big ass bows. She was looking coyly up at the viewer, with her body turned slightly to the side. It was by far the worst of the 4 sketches. I pointed out the character was too young, and the bows were a big turn off (not even mentioning the annoyance of her super shy stance). He actually said to me that he knew better and he knew girls loved bows. It took ALL MY STRENGTH not to point out that ONE of us HAD BEEN a 12 year old girl (and actually much more recently), MAYBE we should listen to her input. It was at this point I realized, he didn’t want my input. He wanted to needle me. He wanted to “push that button” and see how I would react. Not even.

Gamers also tend to assume that “feminist” is a bad word. Feminists hate men. I am a feminist. I don’t hate men. In fact, I know a metric TON of wonderful, intelligent, fascinating, and amazing gamers who are men. I married one of them. What I want, isn’t games made for women only, that’s just as bad as games made for men only! I want GOOD GAMES that do not alienate me as a woman and player. That’s it. That’s all I want. I want my opinions and input listened to when working on a team. I don’t want to be ignored because I am a girl. I don’t want my ideas invalidated because I am not the target audience. I don’t want to have to play a male.

The more I read the twitter posts, the sicker I felt. Also, let me just make one really important statement.

IF ANYONE TOUCHES YOU INAPPROPRIATELY CALL THE COPS. DO NOT TAKE IT. CALL THE COPS IMMEDIATELY. Okay? Good.

Really early, while still at the Guildhall, I got to meet Brenda Braithwaite. (Now Brenda Romero.) I have followed her work, mostly because, HEY LADY DESIGNER, there aren’t many of them and I wanted to learn from her. I couldn’t wait to see her tweets and she did not disappoint. The one I was really waiting for was this. It is brought up all the time that women aren’t very visible in the industry. NOPE. AND THEY AREN’T GOING TO BE UNTIL YOU STOP REFERRING TO THEM ONLY IN RELATION TO THEIR HUSBANDS. No offense to Romero, but of the two, she has the better portfolio. Why is it a woman with DECADES of experience is so instantly linked to a guy that she just recently (this year) married? Should I expect this? I married a programmer. Hell, he even has a twin brother who is also a game programmer. There are Pittmans ALL over the place in the industry. Should I expect to always be linked to them? Even though it’s arguable that my most popular game has done better than my husband’s most popular game?

I began to feel really really lucky. Yeah, I have had some bad experiences, but I wasn’t afraid to talk about them, like some women. I have a LIST of guys I will never work with, but I haven’t had to leave a position yet. And my current job, in 2 years I have had ONE moment that could even make it into this conversation and it was a perfect example of how things should go. There was a line in the dialog that really smacked of casual sexism. I bought it up with the writer that it needed to be removed. It was. Bam. Later, talking to someone about how nice it was, they were confused as to why the line needed to be removed. “But, it’s being complementary?” As if boiling down a woman’s value to a numerical value was okay, as long as the number was high. Once I made that statement, the awareness washed over his face, he looked a bit shamed, and that was the end of it. In one moment, I spoke up, and I know for a fact, I made my game better. This seems like a good time to say, hey guys I have worked with that don’t cause all this… thanks. Thanks for accepting when I say something isn’t cool, you stop. When I say something needs to be cut or adjust to keep from alienating women, you accept that I might be right and we work together to adjust. Thanks for 90% of the time making it a non-issue. (Does anyone else find it ironic that my most positive experience in the Industry is at an Activision studio? Activision gets alot of wildly undeserved crap. I love working for them and I would recommend them as an employer to anyone. Class A company, all around.) Thanks to my lead, for when I told him I was pregnant, and expecting right before we were supposed to ship, his only response was “Oh that’s great! Congratulations! (I will admit, I didn’t expect that. My maternity leave went so smoothly. I had such fears and worried about it. But not only did my company completely rock through my pregnancy in supporting me, but also made my transition back so seamless it was surreal.)

As a side note, I wonder how many other women have noticed that the presence of a woman on the team tends to reign in a large amount of this without even trying? I heard about a studio’s culture before starting, then once I did, it wasn’t nearly as bad as I expected. A lead actually made the comment that it seemed like some of the guys were too embarrassed to make their inappropriate suggestions and comments when I was there. My existence cleaned up the locker room.

The whole thread of tweets started to get really depressing. So many women, with so many of the same issues and problems. Then so many men, both non-empathetic and trolls, showing up to make comments or attacks. I finally started having to block people on Twitter. There were good tweets too. Good things came from this. Awareness, another mentor list, and other hashtags that detail all the awesome things in the industry. But at the end of the say, even when we got gaming press, we also got tons of people who were simply unable to understand WHY this was such a big issue. “The majority of gamers are men, so all games should be for men.” “Why don’t you just go make your own games?” “Why not just get another job?” “I have never seen it.” I can’t even respond to these, because I know, regardless of how logical or founded my argument is, they are looking at it through their male lens, from a place of privilege. Unless they take the time to try to understand what it is like in my spot, my shoes, my body, they will never understand. Thank god for all the male game developers I know who took that time. Who made the effort to break out of their comfort zone. Who are so much better than the middle ground. Huzzah.

Here we are, 4000 words later. Sexism is alive and well in the game industry. Is it getting better? God yes. May I introduce you to Chell and Glados? Have you seen the Transmogrification feature in WoW that lets you get rid of or create skimpy outfits? Have you played Skyrim and seen that there is NO DIFFERENCE between men and women protagonists? Have you played XCOM and seen both male and female NPCs in positions of power? (Your squaddies are even allowed to be women!) Have you played Dishonored where men and women are treated fairly in the world and the leader is an Empress? Did you see Mirror’s Edge? Did you notice the new Lara is actually mostly covered (though we still need to work on that whole sexual assault fiasco) by logical clothing? (Not a game, but MAN, did you SEE BRAVE?!?! Yay Pixar!) I have worked at a company for two years and have gotten used to not having to deal with these problems. I have met men in the industry who are just as feminist as I am. It IS getting better. We aren’t there yet. But every year, we get closer to games that appeal to everyone, and we get closer to having games that women can love and relate to. And every time a game is released that appeals to all audiences, not just WASPs, we are including more fascinating people. People who will bring interesting ideas. People who will make our games EVEN BETTER. At the end of the day, that’s my goal. To make the BEST game possible. I don’t care where an idea comes from, if it makes my game better, GOOD. I am not leaving. I love my job, and even with all the grime, I am not going anywhere. I have made games I want to play and I intend to do that until they nail shut my coffin.

Thank you as well to all the amazing women who took the time to share their stories and experiences. Who didn’t keep silent. Who didn’t ignore the situation for fear of reprisal or attacks. Huzzah.

I will leave with these two tweets I made before the #1reasontobe hashtag got started.

#1reasonwhy you should be a girl designer anyway? Because every time you speak up and stop unintentional sexism, you MADE A GAME BETTER.

#1reasonwhy shows it is important to work with people you like more than on a game you like. You can survive bad games with the right peeps.

This is NOT OKAY.

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It was bound to happen eventually. This blog has always been a space for me to talk, rant, and discuss various issues and thoughts I have. Well, at 12 weeks, I am now, quite pregnant, and likely to stay that way for another 6 months. So now, expect the occasional pregnancy, then child post. Apologies. Feel free to unsubscribe.

Now, on to my topic. What is okay and NOT OKAY to say to a Pregnant Woman. Apparently, the minute a woman becomes pregnant, it stops people’s ability to speak with common courtesy.

1. You are huge!

Variations: You look ready to pop! Are you sure you aren’t having twins? Taking this whole eating for two thing seriously, aren’t you? Be careful you don’t get fat.

Seriously. There is a pregnant WOMAN in front of you, with raging hormones, and you just implied she was fat. And not good fat, but beach ball fat. Seriously. If she slapped you, not a jury in the world would convict her of assault.

What you can say: You look great! What a beautiful glow you have! (Any other total BS line about how we somehow manage to look awesome, despite being wildly uncomfortable.)

2. I hope you don’t have a miscarriage.

Variations: Any scary pregnancy story. Especially about the birth or possible complications to the baby.

Holy beejesus. Do you tell someone going into heart surgery, “Man, I hope they can get your heart beating again!” NO. WTF. I don’t want to hear your extremely creepy and shockingly gruesome story about what happened to your friend’s sister’s college roommate. I don’t want to hear it, anymore than I want to watch a movie or read a book about it. Keep that story to yourself. Thanks.

Pregnant women are already terrified from things their doctors are telling them might happen. They don’t need your slasher flick anecdotal story.

What can say: I will be praying for everything to go smoothly. Everything’s going to be fine. (These should only be used if somehow fears about the birth come up in conversation, just before immediately changing the conversation to something about ice cream or super cute little baby clothes.)

3. Better enjoy your time now!

Variations: You won’t have time for x. You are going to have your hands full! Get ready for getting up every 2 hours!

Everyone is different. Say it with me. Everyone is different. I actually had someone tell me, “You won’t have time for video games after the baby is born.” I am a game designer. Games is how I am *paying* for the baby. Of all the things I will not be allowing to drop off my list, it’s playing video games. I managed to figure out how to play video games while going to the gym, I assure you, I can figure out how to play them while having an infant.

Also, every kid is different. I love people who tell me that my kid is going to be up every 2 hours. Really? Clairvoyant, or are you a full on psychic now? I get that YOUR kid is like that, but everyone is different. My mother insists I was sleeping through the night before I was a month old. I have friends with kids who sleep all the time, even to the point they have to wake them up to feed them. We can discuss this *after* my kid shows up and we see how he is going to be. (Though with as much as I sleep, if he takes after me, we’re going to be nap buddies easy.)

What you can say: Kids are awesome and totally worth it.

4. Oh a boy/girl? Well that’s a bummer. Now you can’t do x.

Variations: But you already have a boy/girl, don’t you want one of each? A boy/girl is easier/harder. I am gonna buy pink/blue clothes! Anything negative about the gender.

Gender is far too much of a focus when it comes to being pregnant. 90% of the time the second question after “When are you due?” is “Do you know what it is yet?” The really annoying thing is, it appears there is NO RIGHT ANSWER. WTH people?!? It’s likely a boy, I am cool with that, my husband is thrilled with that, and we are still doing everything in green. But people seem to always have a negative response no matter what I say.

Kids can be easier or harder based on so many factors, sex isn’t even really important. Also, quit giving me dirty looks when I say I don’t really care if it is a boy or girl. I don’t. I am happy I can *have* kids without medical assistance. Also, it’s my first, so since I really want one of each, at this point it can be whatever and I am halfway there. Then when people ask why I want one of each and I say I want the full experience. Because they are different. But does that mean I shouldn’t be happy with this child because it’s got a penis/vagina? Not a chance! It’s still mine, it’s still cute, and I am still going to look forward to it every minute of my pregnancy.

What you can say: Oh he/she’s going to be so cute! Anything positive that doesn’t force gender roles. (No sports, no job suggestions, no blue/pink.)

5. I hope it doesn’t get your <insert feature>.

Variations: Nope, pretty much that one.

I have red hair. I love my red hair. People who say (and I quote) “I hope it’s a carrot!” I could just hug, snuggle, and cry for joy all over. To the person I almost punched because they just blurted out “Well, I hope it looks like your husband.” I am going to kill you. With a dull knife. Slowly. Not only did just insult me, but probably insulted my child. And this is why we aren’t going to be friends anymore.

What you can say: I hope it gets x feature, that would be so cute. (Always frame it as both possible features are fine, but this one is just more adorable.)

6. Is it your husband’s?

Variation: Was it planned? Did you use fertilization drugs? You need better birth control. Are you planning on keeping it?

Holy cow people. Would you ever walk up to someone on the street and say, “Are you having an affair?” Not a chance! so don’t ask it of a pregnant woman. Give her the opportunity to volunteer this information, but don’t ask it, unless you are best friends since birth, or since you were in high school and had a lasagna dropped on you by your pregnant friend’s mother.

None of the answers to the questions are any of your business.

What you can say: How excited are you? (It’s a nice neutral question that allows them to either be excited all over you, lie and be mildly excited, or completely unload all that dirty gossip you were hoping for.)

*As a note, when I first called the OB/GYN to make the appointment, I told the nurse I had tested positive on 3 home pregnancy tests. Her question “Is this a good thing?” When I responded in the affirmative, she knew how to approach the conversation. One can generally assume though when you are told, “OMG! GUESS WHAT?!? I’M PREGGERS!” Someone is fairly excited about it.

7. Let me touch your belly!

Variations: Anything that invades a pregnant woman’s personal space, like can I see your belly, can I see your belly button, etc.

I don’t like strange people touching me in *normal* circumstances. But now, I am bloated, uncomfortable, and carrying a person. I don’t feel friendly or happy, I am tired and cranky. No I don’t want you rubbing your germy hands on me. Shoo.

Oh but if I say that, I am the bad guy.

What you can say: Nothing. If you are a person who can touch the belly, you will know.

8. I never got sick! I was sick the whole time!

Variations: I got/didn’t get stretch marks. I only gained x lbs. I wore my skinny jeans home from the hospital. Other pregnancy stuff.

Okay this one kind of varies and wavers a bit. It’s always a good idea to sound out the person you are talking to. Has the person been suffering the morning sickness from hell the whole time? Oh you did too? Then it’s okay. You are bonding over shared suffering.

I also hate it when people ask me how my morning sickness has been. They look expectant, like I should be puking on them instead of answering. I hate having to smile politely and say “I’ve been a bit nauseated but I haven’t actually been sick.” They look bewildered. Like I don’t love my baby because I haven’t been puking my guts out. Or they get mad at me. Hey, it’s not my fault my stomach is more hardcore than yours, don’t get mad at me, you asked the question.

Unless it’s shared misery or shared elation at non-misery, let’s not share.

What you can say: It’ll all be over soon! I hope you are feeling great!

9. Are you having a hospital birth or home birth?

Variations: Drugs or not, breast feeding or not, vaccinations etc etc.

Okay, fair enough, you *can* ask this. Just accept that this is the choice I have made, with my doctor. It’s not your choice. I am going to do it my way.

As an addition, saying “Women had babies for thousands of years at home!” Well, yes. And the survival rate for both mother and child was shockingly abysmal. So no, thanks, I will be taking every advantage of medical science I am offered. You can do it your way, I will do it mine. You are not allowed to judge me.

Just because something was done a certain way for a long time, doesn’t mean it’s the best. It doesn’t mean it’s the best for me either. I am allowed to my opinions and decisions. Please don’t try to convince me otherwise, that’s my doctor’s job.

What you can say: Again, I hope everything goes smoothly. Your little one will be here soon!

10. What’s it’s name?

Variations: None really, just asking if we have a name.

I am going to share the name I want with people I want to know. Also, here’s the thing. That name, it might change. Also, as much as I don’t want your opinions on parenting, I really don’t want them on the name. It already took a great deal of effort for me and my husband to decide on a name, I don’t want to have to deal with you giving your input.

Add to this people who go “OH NO! You can’t use that name! I WAS GONNA USE THAT NAME.” Oh really? OH WELL SUCKER, I got there first.

What you can say: Nothing really. If they want you to know it’s name, they will tell you.

11. You shouldn’t be eating that.

Variations: You shouldn’t be doing x.

Are you my doctor? No? Then shut it. I’m the one who is pregnant. I am the one who has exhaustively read websites, books, and pamphlets. I know what I am doing.

I had someone tell me I shouldn’t be eating sushi, with a harsh disapproving glare. First off lady, it’s a California roll, not raw fish. Which is what a doctor means when they say not to eat sushi. Second, the other part of that being that one should avoid large amounts of mercury when pregnant again doesn’t apply here. The mercury content of crab (or imitation crab) is not very high (fatty tuna is the really bad one) BUT even if it WERE the bad kind of fish you can STILL EAT UP TO 8 OZ A WEEK. Oh you missed that part did you?

The reverse of this is also true. I am not drinking alcohol. Since I have been pregnant I had had a grand total of 3 sips of wine. And I do mean sips, not even full drinks. Because I wanted to know what it tastes like. (Also to make a note for when I am *not* pregnant to try it again.) I don’t miss alcohol for the most part, unless I am sitting around with a bunch of people drinking beer while I am going with root beer or cream soda. I don’t mind. So don’t tell me, Mr. Armchair doctor, that drinking alcohol while pregnant is FINE. There is a thing called Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. There is a direct link shown between drinking while pregnant and the appearance of FAS symptoms. Drinking more and more often increases the chances of FAS and FAS effects by a MEASURABLE amount. More alcohol, more often leads to a greater chance of this birth defect.

But the point is, they can’t do experiments on pregnant women. They can’t say exactly why it is that some women can drink a glass of wine everyday while pregnant and have a child without FAS, and why another can drink 6 beers once and give birth to a child with FAS. The really important part of this though, is one simple fact: FAS CAN BE PREVENTED. FAS does not appear in children whose mothers did not drink. It’s that simple. So Mr. Armchair doctor, when you get pregnant, you can drink all you want. But this is my baby, and if not drinking for 8 and a half months means I have one less thing to worry about, hand me my root beer. I don’t care if doctors in France, Italy, and Germany tell their patients it is fine. I do care that many doctors agree that since they can’t be sure what is fine, it’s better not to. Sounds completely sensible to me.

What you can say: Nothing. (Of course, this assumes the person you are talking to is reasonably intelligent. But even so, tread carefully.)

So there you are. A list of things not to say to a pregnant lady. Also, it is worth noting, don’t ask any questions unless you want an answer. There are some fairly gruesome things people have found out by asking me questions and I don’t sugar coat or get all euphemistic on them. If you are going to ask, you are going to get an answer.

Edit: Originally started in Jan 2012, not finished until March 2012. I got busy.

Meddling Kids!

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Recently I have found myself in the position to give advice to people. Thankfully the advice is usually something I have had personal experience with. I have no idea if the receiver wants said advice, or even listens to it. But the fact that a few people seem surprised at what I have to say really makes me wonder… How do they not know this? Well here is a bit of my collected wisdom.

High School only lasts for 4 years.

Seriously. I know it *feels* like forever. But not matter how great or how horrid it is, it will all be over in 4 years. (Assuming of course you don’t fail and have to repeat.) This leads to point number 2:

It gets better.

After High School, everything in life kind of opens up. Want to go to College? There are thousands of Universities waiting to take your money. Don’t have the money for it? There are student loan companies, scholarships, grants, etc to help you get there. Don’t want to go to college? That’s an option too. Learn a trade, or just dive right in and find a job.

The best part is, at this point, you can do what you want to become financially independent and move away from your parents. The first year of not living with your parents is the toughest and most amazing of your life. You will spend too much money and have to borrow something from someone. (Toilet paper, shampoo, laundry detergent, laundry change, gas money, etc etc.) It’s insane. And great. And after that year, you will understand why I say it gets better. The worst part about High School and youth is the inability to control things that affect you. Once you get out of HS and into your own place (even if rooming with someone else) that all changes. You have control.

Don’t stress it. And if you find yourself stressing it, find something that chills you out.

It’s the idea behind “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff” which I take objection to because it follows it with “and it’s all small stuff”. BS. There can be EPICALLY HUGE things you sweat. Car accident? Failing a required class? Company getting ready to do cutbacks? BIG STUFF. The problem with worrying is that it makes it hard to sleep, which makes it hard to function, which stresses you out, which makes it hard to sleep… and so begins the negative feedback loop. It’s not an easy cycle to break either. Theoretically a person should be able to say, “Don’t worry about.” and then, resolve to not worry about it until they can do something about it, and things would get better. But that never works. Which is why it pisses me off when people say that.

My solution – find the thing that chills you out. Something that makes your brain shut down, makes you feel even marginally better, and distracts you. Now, to be fair, you can’t use this as a permanent solution, but, if it is Friday night and you can’t do a thing until Monday, stressing about it all weekend is NOT going to help. Exercise, listen to music, drink a cup of cocoa or hot tea, play a mindless video game, play a stupidly difficult video game, hang out with friends, etc etc. This is going to be different for everyone. Everyone has different things that make them feel better. Be sure your activity is safe, not exacerbating the problem, and doesn’t do more harm than good.

My calming method: I make a cup of Earl Grey tea, then sit down and do some herbing, skinning or mining in WoW. It’s brainless, requires just enough concentration to keep my brain from drifting, but doesn’t require so much it is frustrating. Occasionally I will level an alt, but usually it’s herbing. This also hits a secondary calmer for me. Retail therapy. In college I would go to Best Buy, buy like 5 dvds and then go home and watch them all. Unfortunately, my worries were generally either money or could be about money so this was a very negative calmer. Yeah it made me feel better, for about an hour, then I would start to feel even worse. The best part about WoW retail therapy is that I am spending in game gold for in game items. And honestly, the feeling of going out and spending 100 bucks at Best Buy over going and spending 10k gold in game, it’s the same.

Just be careful with your de-stressing tool. Always keep in mind the “doesn’t do more harm than good” rule. Alcohol, drugs, random sex, etc, may de-stress you for a moment, but will always, ALWAYS, lead to more stress. They are dangerous and harmful solutions.

Revenge is a dish best served cold. At level cap.

I really wish I could say life was fair and people are easily recognizable as good guys or bad guys. But that is not the case. Lucky for me karma really does seem to exist. And revenge is sweet, despite never quite being what you expect it to be.

My life example: I dated a guy for 3 years. He was wonderful. I was certain I was going to spend my life with him. Not so certain though that I was willing to sleep with him. I didn’t want kids after all, and life had soundly taught me that people who have sex will have kids. I didn’t want that yet. Turns out, he didn’t agree. And proceeded to sleep with another girl. Needless to say, I did NOT take it well. Flash forward 6 years. Yes, it took 6 years. I happen to be in town visiting my parents and run into said guy at the local Walmart. I can only consider it a win that I was at my slimmest, looking amazing, and he looked like he had a very bad reaction to peanuts or shellfish. I had just gotten a job as a video game developer, a career he had talked about maybe wanting to do one day, but instead, he worked at Best Buy, for the Geek Squad. I was married to a great guy. I was happy and content, and totally didn’t care about this guy, or anything that had happened anymore. And he did. Oh you could see it in his mouth, tight around the corners, the muscle that clenched in his jaw, the narrowing of his eyes. I don’t know if he felt bad or if he suddenly wished he hadn’t done the thing he did, but, at the very least, he was jealous right then. His jealousy made me feel good, but I didn’t care. I had my revenge, but it didn’t matter to me anymore.

I think about this often, not because of the idea of getting my revenge, but rather the realization that it didn’t matter. Now when I get that horrid betrayed or hurt feeling, I remember that feeling of not caring. Yes, it’s a big deal now, but in time, I will see it objectively as a learning experience. And I will be a better person for it.

Organization renders any goal possible.

Wow, that’s weird statement, but wildly accurate. Trying to find a job? Get organized. Money problems, organize everything and budget yourself down to your last penny. Everything in life can be organized, sorted, and researched into submission. If nothing else, at least you will know everything about what is going on so you can make good decisions.

Don’t be a dick. Also known as Wheaton’s Law.

Seriously. I know it’s hard. I know it can be hard to keep your mouth shut. I fight with it all the time. And I fail more often than not. But this is truth. You never know when that person is going to be able to help you later. Also, it generally makes you a more well liked person.

Do your job well, even if, and especially if, you hate it.

Minimum wage jobs are the suckiest thing ever. Soul crushing jobs are called that for a reason. But that doesn’t mean you should goof off and not do your job well.

Why? Because at the very least, at the end of the day, you can go home happy knowing that you did a good job. Make that your mantra. Today, I did good work.

Also, I have found through person experience that doing your job well, gets you noticed, gets you promoted, and gets you into a better position.

Do not, under any circumstances let fear keep you in a bad place.

Abysmal job that you hate getting you down but you can’t quit because you can’t pay the bills? Horrid bosses who are known backstabbers? Terrible relationships that you cling to because the thought to being alone is that much worse?

Don’t do it. Trust me. Life is hella short. Find another job, make it priority one. Shed the mate you have and find another one and work at making it work. Be yourself and be honest. Always. If you give into fear, and stay in a bad situation even when you are wildly unhappy, nothing is going to get better. Make changes to make things better. It is possible to be poor and happy as well as alone and happy. If you aren’t sure you are in a bad place, ask for advice, others will know better than you.

Courage is a hard thing to muster, but there is a reason it is something that gets you noticed. I once worked at Toys R Us. I was in a good position with good pay. But I watched my great job turn into a hellish experience over the course of two months when a new manager came in. I went to Borders that night, applied for and interviewed for a job, got it, and accepted it all in one night. The next morning I started at Borders, when I should have been at TRU. I walked over on my lunch break and quit, essentially telling my old boss to take a long walk off a short dock. I took a $4 per hour pay cut. I had to get up 3 hours earlier than I was used to (I hate mornings). But the simple change of cultures from one of fear, aggression and hurt, to one of calm, intelligence and mild craziness, made all the difference. Yeah, I was broke all the time, but the quality of my life was immeasurably better.

A note of warning, be sure what you consider is a “bad place” isn’t something you can change or work with. Personal relationships can have bad moments, that is not a reason to get a new spouse or so. But that is a reason to check and work with them at being better.

Anger is a habit, as is joy.

Ever met one of those annoyingly upbeat and happy people? Ever wonder why they are annoyingly happy and upbeat? It’s not because everything is perfect. No one is perfect. No one’s life is perfect. It means that they are so used to looking on the bright side of life that they can’t see the other. They notice the good things first. We fall into habits, and our moods are as much a habit as anything else. Work at being in a good mood, and you will find yourself, more often than not, being in a good mood.

To thine own self be true.

It’s cliche and trite. That doesn’t make it any less true.

Don’t ever try to be someone you are not. Accept yourself, your flaws, your awesomeness, and work with what you have. I spent so many years trying to fit a mold I wasn’t made to be. I fought against my true self every step of the way. Until finally, I was just too tried to keep trying. So I stopped. Shock upon shocks, people still liked me, without pretending. I was awesome, without trying to fit my icosahedron in a square hole. The very minute I got over this, the better I felt. And each day it was better, because I was me.

There is probably more, but these are all good things to remember as you try to make it through life.

L.A. Noire – How it is a poison apple.

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I haven’t played L.A. Noire myself. But I did sit and watch my husband play it. As a fan of Law and Order, CSI, and NCIS, I could not contain my excitement for this game. It was huge, ambitious, and most of all, had tons of recognizable actors to fill the roles of the people in the game. The game had some fairly serious flaws (who puts the climax at the end of the second chapter?) but those could be overlooked. It was a fun and interesting game.

But now, having read this, I wish I had never allowed my husband to buy it, and I wish I had never seen it played. Why? Because if L.A. Noire succeeds, then it continues to support and exceptionally BAD management style. (And clearly a very bad manager.) The game industry needs to break away from the lone programmer in his basement, pounding out a game in a weekend mentality. Unfortunately, if the game does well, all bad decisions are forgiven, and the perpetrator is allowed to go on to another project, with a new team, and make other lives hell.

First off, I really want to reach through the internet and smack this lead guy. So I am just going to pick apart the crap they quote him on.

“It’s my game. I can go to anyone I want in the team and say, ‘I want it changed’.”

The smallest game I worked on had about 25 people on it. The largest over 100. The minute a second designer has been added to the game, it is no longer “your” game. You can’t make L. A. Noire alone, and it is as much their game as it is yours. Especially when people are pouring their lives into getting it made. This doesn’t provide the “idiot idea” filter that the leads of a game are there for. By running everything through leads, there is a vetting process for time spent. Is an idea really good enough to improve a game? Can it be done in a reasonable amount of time? Is the gameplay improvement worth the time spent implementing and maintaining it? Most of all, it is a sanity check. It should prevent things like Duke Nukem Forever, provided you have a good studio head and good leads.

Crunch – “If you wanted to do a nine-to-five job, you’d be in another business,” said McNamara, citing routine hours from 9am to 8pm – “whatever days it takes” – with frequent travel and 4am calls with the New York-based publisher. “We all work the same hours,” he told us. “People don’t work any longer hours than I do. I don’t turn up at 9am and go home at 5pm, and go to the beach. I’m here at the same hours as everybody else is.”

This is EXACTLY the kind of mentality that lead to the EA Spouse debacle. First off you have employers who think it is okay to ask their employees to work these hours. Second you have employees who are so fearful of losing their jobs they will allow themselves to be exploited. Third you have exceptionally short sighted thinking the anything gets done any faster when all the employees are rapidly burning out.

I once had to crunch two straight months on a game. There was literally a point where someone said something to me about what I was doing on Thursday and I could not tell them. Not only because the days had blurred together, but also because I couldn’t even have told them what day TODAY was, much less when Thursday was coming around again. Why did I crunch like that? Well, mostly because I liked the job, I liked the game, and I liked the people I worked with. It was fun for me. But I also knew we had a hard line, set in stone, release date. We had to ship that day, regardless of where the game was. Honestly, by the time we reached the second month I was working at most 75% of my previous “skill level”. By the end, I couldn’t make a change without going to another designer and getting them to double check I wasn’t screwing things up. As people burn out, they get sloppier. They stop making good decisions. They stop fixing things in the correct way. They stop working at good productivity. At that point, it’s like trying to run a marathon with a thorn in your foot. Yes, not stopping will keep you ahead, but you will move slower than if you simply took the time to stop, pull the thorn out and bandage up your foot, then return to the race.

The thing that most stuck me about my experience with crunch was that everyone, from the studio head to the newest artist, we all knew that our crunch was a result of poor planning. Everyone was willing to admit it. They knew they took too long on the tools. They knew they hired people too late. They knew they promised more than they could deliver. Did that make it right? No. But It certainly made everyone feel better about it to hear the leads say “Yeah, we screwed up, but no use crying over it now, remember it, move on, and let’s get this thing shipped.”

He even goes on to say “The expectation is slightly weird here, that you can do this stuff without killing yourself; well, you can’t, whether it’s in London or New York or wherever; you’re competing against the best people in the world at what they do, and you just have to be prepared to do what you have to do to compete against those people.”

Unbelievable. All it takes is organization, planning, proper scoping, and good leads. I am currently on a triple A product where my crunch days are still in the low teens after a YEAR and multiple milestones. And even then, it was my own choice, not the company telling me to, just to get thing done faster that I wanted done already. But then we have good leads, good producers, and the ability to say to our publisher “Okay, we can do this well or we can do this fast, we can’t do both.” They chose the well option.

It is also implied in the article that they hired young people to do the work, and then just churned through young cheap labor that was willing to do the work, just because they wanted it so bad. The problem with this is that you have wildly inexperienced people making decisions on your multi-million dollar game. That’s gonna turn out well.

All in all this article shows that despite this game’s success it was poorly managed, and a result of extremely bad business practices. We shouldn’t as developers be supporting this kind of management. Games made like this, that still succeed, leads managers into thinking that they can do this kind of thing and make money. True justice would have the game failing, miserably, to show that unless you take care of your employees, listen to your talent, and strengthen your studio, you are just setting yourself up for failure. True, there can be flukes, but for the most part, I would expect this to kill a studio.

Kim Acuff Steiner

Game Designer. World Builder. Writer

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L.A. Noire – How it is a poison apple.