Tag Archives: Game Dev

On Rejection and Competition

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This blog post is going to cover two topics. First, how to deal with the emotional feeling of being rejected for a role. Second, a re-framing and discussion of how to feel about the person who did get the role.

I want to start by saying, everything about getting a job in the game industry from before 2025 is outdated information *at best* and potentially harmful at worst. The landscape of looking for a job in the game industry has completely changed in the last four years into a very different beast than it once was. Before 2022, if I applied to a role, it didn’t matter how many of the requirements I met, I was probably getting a phone screen.

In 2024 I was in the unfortunate position of being employed, but knowing the layoffs were coming. Our contract had been canceled (*shakes fist at Netease*) and no one was being funded. So I started applying around. I actually got quite a few phone screeners during this time.

The context of my resume matters here though. Even ignoring my earlier shipped titles, I have 4 Skylanders games on my resume. A series that earned 4 Billion dollars. During my time at TfB I shipped 4 games in 7 years, a feat that VERY FEW other AAA developers can claim. (And not many indie devs either.) I also worked on World of Warcraft for 4 years, the 800lb Gorilla Game that everyone has heard of, most people have played, and is known for being difficult to work on. And I shipped two expansions there. These two bullet points ALONE put me in a different category from most other experienced game devs. Then I have multiple years of Unreal 5 experience. You know, that editor half the industry uses. Further, I am fairly competent and skilled at using Blueprints to do scripting. I understand state machines. All of this makes me a “top candidate” for most game design or level design roles.

I am not saying this to brag, I am saying this so that you continue reading with the FULL CONTEXT of what I am talking about when I talk about my experiences in interviewing in 2024-2026.

I have had people flat out say directly to me that if I apply for a job, they won’t bother.

I have had people say to my face “Well, you’re a unicorn.”

Okay? So trust me when I say this next sentence okay?

YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE FOR FAILING TO LAND A GAME JOB IN 2026.

YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE FOR FAILING TO LAND A GAME JOB IN 2025.

YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE FOR FAILING TO LAND A GAME JOB IN 2024.

YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE FOR FAILING TO LAND A GAME JOB IN 2023.

YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE FOR FAILING TO LAND A GAME JOB IN 2022.

I can’t really speak too much from before then, because I didn’t have the same experience before 2022 that I have had since 2022. There were also like 100k more game developer jobs back then. The old understanding doesn’t apply anymore.

In 2024 I was interviewed by 5 companies. One turned me down because I did not have Unity experience. Which is silly, because that’s clearly evident from my resume, but also – like, no offense Unity – but all game editors are pretty much the same. In my career I’ve worked in over 20 editors, everything from 2d ones like Game Maker to proprietary editors that were in the middle of being built while using them. If I can learn the WoWEdit tool, I can learn anything.

Another two companies during this time rejected me and went with other developers. I actually knew both devs who were hired instead of me. (I saw their posts on LinkedIn when they were hired.) Both were less experienced, had fewer shipped titles, about half my time in the industry, and both were cis white men. I can’t say why they were picked, and there were probably reasons unrelated to their gender and race, but at the same time, it cannot be discounted. In a pure numbers game, I should have won both roles, but I didn’t. I have no insight into the logic behind the choice. Was it just they had a better interview? Had they previously worked with the hiring manager? Were they cheaper?

In the end, I interviewed with Noodle Cat, and despite there being SEVERAL weird moments during the interviews that I was sure disqualified me, they made me an offer. So in 2024, I managed to dodge the layoff and land at Noodle Cat.

I was the unicorn. I was the overlap of skill sets and gave off the right energy to make them think I was a good hire.

Like many other game devs, I hold a lot of personal pride in being good at my job. Being offered a job in one of the worst layoff periods in the industry was very validating and affirming.

Sometime fairly early after starting, I heard a factoid that made me have to literally lay down.

Ready?

1500 people had applied for the role. They had 1500+ applicants. Even after sorting out the unqualified, who didn’t even meet the base requirements, there were over 500 remaining candidates. Once they cut everyone who didn’t meet all of the bullet points, they had over 300, fully qualified candidates.

THAT’S FUCKED UP. THAT IS NOT NORMAL. THAT’S AN INSANE NUMBER.

We’re not talking about a junior position. We’re talking about one that asked for a minimum of 5 years and 2 shipped titles. I know people with a DECADE in games who haven’t gotten to two shipped titles.

That’s the level of “Extinction Event” the industry is currently in. It’s not YOU, it’s the industry.

When I entered the in industry in 2007, getting 100 applicants for a role was OVERWHELMING. Blizzard was only getting a few hundred for a ENTRY LEVEL role.

Now, a senior to principal role will have HUNDREDS of QUALIFIED applicants. I am not exaggerating here. I need you to internalize this information because otherwise, you will continue to feel like not being able to get a job in the industry in your fault. It’s not your fault. I know indie studios that post a role then TAKE IT DOWN a week later because they are already overwhelmed with applicants.

THERE ARE NO JOBS.

Right now, the total number of game design and level design roles I could apply to is less than 20. I also know for a fact gents like Steve Powers and ladies like Beth Beinke are also currently unemployed. Even with Skylanders and WoW on my resume, it’s kind of hard to compete with “This guy was an LD on Deus Ex.” and “She was an LD on Bioshock Infinite.”

I am currently writing this while waiting to hear back from a small indie company. I interviewed, did well with each interview, and they even asked for my references and salary requirements. I have been doing the <exact> match of the role they are trying to fill for the last FOUR YEARS. I am telling you this because I am also fairly sure I am NOT going to get the offer at this point.

So how does that feel?

Honestly it sucks. I know I could do the job. I know I am kind and personable. I know I am good at working remotely. I know I can communicate well with my co-workers and I can prioritize tasks without needing a producer or director.

But the truth is, there’s a million reasons that it could have been that it wasn’t me. I hadn’t played their second game. I am a designer, so I don’t have the engineering foundation the rest of the team has. Maybe my references are too far out of date. Maybe my willingness to accept a lower salary than normal made it look like I didn’t know my own value. I mentioned the Activision Blizzard lawsuits and they aren’t sure they want someone who has sued their employer before. I am a woman, but even worse, I’m outspokenly feminist. I am anti-AI. I got distracted mid-interview because I have ADHD and I am currently unmedicated.

Or, the more likely one, I was a great candidate that they considered hiring, but there was someone else who was just SLIGHTLY better. A little more experience. A little more technical. A little more of a culture fit.

Despite knowing, intellectually, that I was better than a majority of the applicants and I did GREAT at my interviews, there’s still a tiny voice that says “Maybe I messed up.” and lists all those things two paragraphs ago. Here’s my advice – strangle that voice until it shuts the fuck up.

Once again, it’s not you. The industry is in a free fall. The companies that were hiring a year ago are closing. There’s ZERO funding if you don’t already have a large community for your indie game, and sometimes not even then.

Now. Even knowing these truths, even seeing how hard it is for someone with my level of resume, it’s completely valid and reasonable to feel bad/upset for not getting a role you managed to get the interview for. It sucks!

So how do I deal with it?

First off, remind yourself of the context of the world, industry, and economy. This wouldn’t be happening in 2019. This didn’t even happen in 2008 and that was another trash fire year for the industry. It’s NOT YOU.

Second, allow yourself to mourn the possibility. When I thought I might get this job, I started planning a possible to move to a larger house. Maybe even a trip to Japan. All of that won’t happen now, but it’s useful to remind myself – I am in the same position I was before I applied and that’s STILL a better position than many others. But it’s still sad to realize that I am probably not going to be replacing my couch or mattress this year, despite needing to. So I allow myself that sadness. (Ideally with a time limit. I try not to let it drag on for more than 2-3 days, then it’s just sparkling depression.)

Third, don’t dwell on it. I know this is hard, but letting go of the hurt is the only way to recover from it. Take a moment to post mortem the interview process. I like to write down questions I was asked, and noodle over perfect answers I could have given. How to phrase a story to make it funny and interesting. How to cut a story down that went on too long. But after that, just remind yourself you can’t change the past. Someone has been hired. You can iterate for the next one.

Next, I “clear out the dust”. I know this sounds kind of “hippy dippy” but trust me on this. I go for a LONG walk. Like, walk so far that you consider getting an uber home. Ideally walk in nature. As far away from a screen as you can get. Then I come home, put on my favorite music (right now it’s K-Pop Demon Hunters), and then I clean. I start with daily chores, and just keep going until I physically can’t anymore. Even if I am still sad, I am too exhausted to be able to deal with it, and I sleep better.

I also try to make sure I change at least one thing about the space I interviewed in. Not sure why, but it feels like I am actively “breaking” the memory of the failure. I clean the space and optimize something. I hang new art. I change the lighting. Something. Big changes are even better. Reorganizing my desk or bedroom to change the feel of the room. By changing the space, I am changing the way it feels. So instead of sitting at my desk and having the memory of the interview come up, I sit at my desk and think “Man, I am glad I fixed that doom pile that was over there.” We’re replacing a sad emotion with a positive one.

Allow yourself a “break” from the application and interview treadmill. I know, most people can’t do this, but if you can, try to do something that is soothing or comforting for yourself. Plan a specific “I won’t look at job boards or linkedin day.” Find a project you’ve been meaning to do and focus on it for a day or three. Even better if the project is fixing your living space or results in a physical item being created. (I think I’m going to try to tackle my paper doom piles.)

Do the same kinds of things you would do if you were just laid off, or mourning a loss of any kind. Be kind to yourself. Not only do you deserve it, you’ve been trough a tough challenge that didn’t pan out, but also you deserve it regardless. If beating yourself up worked, it would have by now. This isn’t something YOU could have changed the outcome on.

I can’t make a company offer me a job.

I can’t make more jobs appear.

I can’t –

Sorry, I just got the rejection email.

*SIGH*

The best interview I’ve ever had and I didn’t get it. Yes, this literally happened while I was typing this post up.

Do you believe me now? It’s NOT YOU.

Okay, well, let’s move on to the next part, how to feel okay about the person who did get the role.

First off, let’s be very clear here – the other applicants are NOT the enemy. They are your peers. Your contemporaries. Your possible future co-workers! It’s NOT THEIR FAULT they got the job. Just like it wasn’t your fault you didn’t.

They just – fit a little better. They had a little more connection to the studio. They just managed to win that roll of the dice.

The game industry is REAL small. They might be the one interviewing you in a year when the company opens more roles. I’ve worked with several people MULTIPLE times at different companies.

I’ve been friends with people who were in direct competition for a role, and we both knew it. I’m not going to stop being someone’s friend because they managed to score a job over me. I even talked about one of my “competitors” in an interview one time KNOWING she was also interviewing! (Yes, Jackie Wiley IS amazing at her job and totally the right call if you want an exceptional quest designer.)

Heck, the job I was just rejected from I literally gave them a reference that included ANOTHER PERSON WHO WAS ALSO INTERVIEWING FOR THE SAME ROLE.

Because the truth is we’re all in this together. No one wants the industry to be this “rolling dumpster fire”, it just is.

I’m going to repeat this – we’re all in this together. Games are so often a collaborative effort between dozens (or hundreds) of people from all different disciplines working together towards a singular goal. Every other game dev you meet has something to teach you, no matter how many years you’ve been in the industry or how many games you’ve shipped. And if you allow yourself to be angry and bitter over the loss of this job, you’re actively making yourself a worse hire later.

Now, I’m going to finish this up with a story and a bit of “hippy” talk.

Back in 2010, I had been unemployed for 5 months after the closing of Sega Studios San Francisco. After a summer of barely being able to find jobs I was qualified for, I applied to two different companies. One, the one I wanted MORE, was at Nihilistic. My buddy Jeff Kung worked there. He had recommended me. There was a SUPER COOL lady designer in charge of design. I had never worked with a lady designer at that point* (note – since this event, a person I worked with transitioned and now this story is no longer completely accurate, but at the TIME, I didn’t know I was working with a lady designer, because she hadn’t transitioned yet.) I liked the game. I liked the studio. I learned Maya in a WEEK to do their design test, which I felt was awesome.

Then they told me no. I was CRUSHED. Heartbroken. They were working on a game for Playstation! UGH.

A week later I got the call back for an interview with the other job I had applied to. I went to my interview, but I didn’t have a recommendation there. I wasn’t even sure I wanted to work for *Activision*. I didn’t expect to get the job.

But as it turns out, they needed heavy scripters and the hiring manager also played WoW, so he understood that my WoW addon scripts made me totally qualified to do the job. And that’s how I got hired on to be a level designer for a game that would eventually be called Skylanders.

Sometimes things happen for a reason. Sometimes it’s the universe lining you up for a better spot.

Game Developer Barbie

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“It’s really not that big of a deal.”

“FUCK YOU. IT’S A BIG FUCKING DEAL. It’s the BIGGEST FUCKING DEAL.”

I will admit, my response was probably not the most polite or appropriate for the situation. But I was not wrong. Mattel announced new Barbies today. And while the news of new body types (holy hell they added a curvy barbie!!!) was enough to draw me to the site, what made me gasp with joy was the Game Developer Barbie.

She’s got a computer accessory. She’s got long red hair, with headphones snugly in place. She’s wearing jeans, a t-shirt, and a light jacket. She’s got sneakers on her flat feet. She’s me. (Actually, if they made the curvy version it literally WOULD be me.)

She’s me. I’m a game developer, and this summer, I will have a Barbie doll that looks just like me, dresses just like me, and DOES MY JOB.

When I was in High School, I was one of the smartest kids in my class. They made us talk to a guidance counselor about what job we wanted so we could plan out our college path to get there. After 30 minutes of her trying to convince me to be a Doctor, Lawyer, or Teacher, I finally just said, “Look, I am gonna go to college, I will figure it out there.” I was steered away from being a writer (“You don’t want to be a starving artist do you?”) They pushed the Doctor and Lawyer hard – as expected for a poor area. But I didn’t want to do that. I wanted to do something amazing.

I went to college and my “plan” became Take as Many Classes as Possible, and Figure it Out Later. 4.5 years later, I was planning on being an English Teacher. Then I discovered the Guildhall and literally said “Wait, I can make games? They have schools for this kind of thing? I am going THERE.” And I did. But that moment struck me because no one – in all my years of playing video games, ever once said “Why don’t you try to make them?” I owned a computer, and worked on them, but never once thought – hey let’s make a game. Hell, I BUILT LEVELS for Heroes of Might and Magic and Neverwinter Nights, and never once thought, I should get paid to do this. Because no one ELSE did. Games were a “waste of time”. Always.

Barbie makes it so people WILL think about it. I remember thinking about careers like being a vet, a stewardess, a tv anchor, all because that was what Barbie did – AND I DIDN’T EVEN PLAY WITH THEM.

Further, I remember way back in 4th grade when we were asked what we wanted to be when we grow up. I said something weird and my teacher responded with “Pick something Barbie could be.” Yeah, it was a bit sexist because she didn’t say that to the boys, but her heart was in the right place trying to direct me towards real careers. I then switched to insisting I would be a mermaid, because I had an Ariel Barbie doll.

This is important. Very important for the next generation of girls. I wish I had had that vision when I was a kid. I would have been making games since I was 10.

Screen Time

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“So Joyia, how are you planning on limiting your kid’s video game time? How are you going to keep him from playing your M rated games?”

This was a question asked of me by a World of Warcraft guild mate.

He didn’t like my answer – “I’m not.”

When I was a kid, my mom never limited my game time. We had a computer and an NES. Both were in the living room. Game time was limited only by one factor – is someone else using it already. Actually no, two factors, that one, and “Is your homework done?” My mother took a firm stance on kids should be allowed to spend their time how they want to. She had her own hobbies (including playing games). She didn’t have time to police ours and see if they were “worthwhile”. Once I had finished my chores (which were criminally few now that I think about it) and homework, I could do whatever I wanted. Sometimes that was games. But just as often it was reading, or writing, or talking to friends on the phone.

At the very least, at least she always knew where we were right?

Yes, people can get really sucked into video games, but they can also be just as obsessed over many other things. I read dozens of books every year. I spent at least a 1/4th of my childhood with a nose in a book. I was the only kid in my class in elementary school who wasn’t allowed to have books at her desk. Not even text books. I would read them instead of listen. (Though, really, wasn’t that the POINT?)

Further, I remember a girl in my elementary school who took a flute out to recess every day. The teachers tried and tried to get her into playing with the other kids, and she refused. All she wanted to do was play the flute. They let her because she said she wanted to be a flutist one day. They wouldn’t let me read, which was exceptionally annoying, despite the fact I said I wanted to be a writer. Fifth grade and we were already being judged by our activities. Here’s the thing though. That girl? Full ride to college on a band scholarship. Later she ended up joining some ridiculously hard to get into symphony in New York. At 11, she knew what she wanted to do and she didn’t let anything get in her way, not even well meaning teachers or parents.

I didn’t want to be a game designer when I was 11. I knew I liked games. I knew I liked books. I knew I liked making up stories with my friends. I knew I liked making up games to play with my friends. I wanted to make Calvinball. But no one, in all those years, ever told me making games for a living was a thing I could do. So yeah, at the time the hours and hours I sunk into playing video games was a “waste”.

What about now?

So we’re working on SSA, and we’re discussing what happens when one player does something like steal all the treasure in an area. They start discussing various solutions we could do as designers to fix this. I immediately piped up with “But we shouldn’t. That’s a real life problem to solve.” A few blank looks and I clarified – “If your brother steals all the loot, you punch him. That’s the POINT of playing games in local multiplayer. But more, we shouldn’t change it because it allows the players to game the system. You can power level characters if one can collect all the loot and exp. It also makes the game more of a mad dash.”

In the end, we sat down and played the game, local multiplayer, just like kids would. It was less than 3 minutes to the first “Hey! THAT WAS MINE!” and about 5 minutes to one player letting the other one die to get loot. Within 15 minutes, a huge crowd had gathered around the two players with much good natured jokes and laughter. We didn’t change the system. Let them fight over loot.

I am not sure I would have thought this way, if not for the experiences of playing all those games with my brother. All those local multiplayer games with my friends. I was also the kind of kid who would hook up two controllers to cheese the system and give myself help. I have two WoW accounts NOW just for that purpose. I always buy both versions of each Pokemon game, so I can trade between them.

Well, that explains the time limits… as long as homework is done, I don’t care. Maybe it will be his passion. Maybe it won’t. But there is no reason to enforce my hobbies and desires on him. He’s his own person, let him spend his time how he wants.

But what about M rated games?

Again, my mother never limited the books I could read. If we had it in the house, I could read it. I remember picking up a Stephen King book at 12. I tried to read it. Oh man was it DULL. I also remember watching R rated movies. In the living room. That was the thing about having the tv/console/computer in the living room. You couldn’t do anything without everyone seeing. It was amazingly good at limiting what I would try to watch or play. My mom would come in and say something like “Oh that’s gross, I don’t want to see that.” And switch it to something else. There was never a “You can’t play that.” It was always, “This isn’t appropriate for the family room.” Then a few times we had candid discussions about sex, drugs, and such, so that she knew I knew what was safe, what wasn’t, and how to deal with those situations. At no point was the line between reality and media blurred.

Talking to a kid and interacting with them on a constant basis really helps. So I hope when my kid gets old enough to play games, he plays them with me. Skylanders is a great family game. So is Minecraft. (As an aside, I do not look forward to telling him that Creepers – aka Booms – are not fluffy little friends like he thinks right now.) If he wants to play a game like Skyrim, I will let him, where I can see, in the living room. There will likely be discussions and conversations about the difference between reality and fantasy, but I have faith in his ability to learn. Also kids tend to be very self limiting on “adult” things.

In the end, I think my biggest issue with saying “I will limit your access and time to games.” is that not only was mine not limited as a kid, but how hypocritical would it be for me to say, “Sorry you can only play for an hour each day,” when I will be playing for at least 2-3? Yes, I will probably do the same thing as my mom and say, “I don’t want to see that on the living room tv, so different game.” but otherwise, I don’t really think I have a leg to stand on about playing too many games. Do what you want, as long as you are responsible and take care of your chores/work, then your free time is your own.

A different kind of crunchy mom

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It never really occurred to me I should be writing about being a game developer mom. I am a game developer and a mom, but these two things don’t really seem to overlap very much in the public eye. Recently on Twitter, I made a comment to a friend about being a mom in game development, and she replied with surprise, as she rarely talks to other moms who make games.

At first, I thought this was rather odd, I mean, there are tons of moms who make games! But then I stopped to think about the people I work with and have worked with. Um. Well. I mean, none of my companies can be accused of hiring lots of women, but some are over the average (13% female workforce). And yet, I have never worked with another mother, unless they never talked about it. (I even interviewed at a company, that after a while, the guy got me to admit that I wasn’t planning on having kids anytime soon, and his response was “Oh good, you women have a habit of quitting when you have babies.”)

I have worked at a company where just as I started, a producer left on maternity leave. She didn’t come back when it was over. As this was in the middle of a death march of a crunch, I really couldn’t blame her. 60 hour weeks with an infant? You must be crazy.

I guess I am crazy. I got pregnant right as TfB geared up on Giants right after shipping Spyro’s Adventure. We had a 1 year turn around time for Giants. I knew it was going to be rough, but as long as we shipped in June, we would be fine, as I was due in July. No worries. Except for the tiny detail of “Games almost never ship on time.” It wasn’t too difficult, working on Giants. My studio is pretty stress free, friendly, and people worked to get my stuff done first “just in case”. In the end, I shipped my kid the same week we hit submitted. I worked right up until the Friday before my due date (the next Tuesday). I didn’t do this because I was told to, or asked to, but rather because I love my job, I love my game, and I really love the people I work with.

When I first got pregnant, it was always known I would take a few months off, then back to work and back to Skylanders. I never thought of leaving my career to stay home with my kid. I had worked very hard to get where I was in the industry and was very lucky to get a job at TfB working on a game I loved. No way I was going to put that on hold for 5 years. So I found a daycare within a mile of my office, signed Tiny Pittman up, and went back to work exactly 3 months after I left to have my son.

So what is it like being a game dev mom? Weird. But I expect many women feel the same in other fields. I really think though, crunch is the source of my biggest problems with being a game dev and a mom, and likely the reason I don’t find many others.

First, before I had my kid, I only remember one incident of a parent responding to crunch. At one company, we were in the middle of mandatory 60 hour weeks, including 2 late nights. One of the men who sat across the office from me would Skype his kids at home to say good night on the late nights. It was cute, and I really felt it meant a great deal that he was trying. Someone said something to him once about “being a good father”. Then, this very nice, generally calm man, snapped at the commenter with a very harsh “If I were a GOOD father I would be at home putting my kids to bed instead of here working on this stupid game!” It may have been stress, it may have been dissatisfaction with the way the project had been handled, but clearly this person was wildly unhappy about missing his kids, and no one even knew until that moment.

That moment really stuck with me, because I knew that’s how I would be. I was already cranky at working 60 hour weeks because it cut into my WoW time. How would I deal when it cut into my kid time? I talked to my husband about it that night and pointed out, we really needed to make sure our “crunches” never synced up. So at least one of us would always be able to watch the kid and the other could crunch. He is also in the game industry, but fortunately, always at different companies.

That’s a fear I have. I love working in the game industry, but it’s brought me all the way out here to California. My family, and thus my kid’s grandparents, are 3000 miles away. There really isn’t such a thing as 24 hour daycare around here, and even if there was, I wouldn’t be able to afford it. So on each project, I work in fear of hearing those words – “mandatory crunch”. You can mandatory all you want, but if me or my husband can’t watch the spawn, there is no one else. His daycare is open from 7am to 6pm. That is my availability to work. Period. He’s 20 months old, I can’t exactly bring him into the office. But regardless, that is a constant distant worry that hangs out in the back of my mind.

That’s without even taking into account how not spending time with my kid affects me. Right now my husband and I are separated, so every other weekend I have the spawnling. In our big push for a milestone recently, I came in on the weekends I didn’t have him. I worked 3 weekends, and every other weekday night. I managed to keep up, but it was exhausting. And not seeing my kid made me sad. When I did see him, I was tired mommy, not fun mommy. I was “here’s a quesadilla for dinner because I am exhausted and can’t make you something more nutritious”. It’s rough on families. I am not sure if it was working those weekends, but since that usually don’t bother me, I think it was not seeing the spawn, and it made me depressed. I wasn’t able to work as well, and I was noticeably unhappier to my co-workers. Even worse, there were people who commented that I wasn’t there every weekend. They weren’t my lead, or even in charge at all, but there was clearly resentment that I had not been there. My lead is understanding, and never batted an eye, but what about others? Now, whenever I interact with that person, their comment colors my view of them.

Being a parent is all about time management. I have to plan everything and make time for everything. Showers, food, shopping, everything takes time and everything has to be accounted for. If I want to raid in WoW, it has to be with a guild that understands I can *only* raid from the time we start to our set end time. I can’t go 15 minutes over. If I could, I would have already planned it. We have done this on a few occasions, and every time it has lead to me and the kid being late to work the next morning. So having someone else come in and tell me how to spend that time is going to be a huge burden. Fortunately, I haven’t had to deal with this at TfB (all overtime has been voluntary and at a time of my choosing), but I can see very easily where it would quickly drive a woman to find a different job.

Say what you like about gender stereotypes, but in the almost 2 years since I had my son, I noticed that generally I am the one to give him a bath, clean his room, do the shopping, clean dishes, do laundry, pick up toys… All of this time spent doing things. Not to say my husband didn’t help, but the balance of chores was skewed towards me. When I work overtime, all of those pesky chores don’t get done. That’s the first thing to go. So the dishes pile up, the kiddo’s room looks like a tornado hit it, and there is a huge pile of clean clothes that managed to get washed but no way in hell they will get folded and put away.

To add to the already absurdly small amount of free time, I am a game designer. One of the things about being a game designer is you really need to play games. It helps you learn how other people are solving problems, cool things they are doing, and probably helps you make your game better. But with time already taken with work, chores, kid time, and husband time… that leaves how much for games? I don’t play nearly the number of games I should, and all to often now I just watch some let’s play videos, since I can do that while playing WoW.

When I complain about lack of time, people *love* to say, well yeah but if you didn’t play WoW, look how much time would you have! There are definitely some problems with that. First, WoW is what keeps me sane. It’s my stress release and brain dead time. It’s my hobby. I don’t watch tv unless I am playing WoW. I don’t watch movies unless I am playing WoW. WoW is why I still have friends I talk to more than on Twitter. People always say you should make sure to take time for yourself. Well, there it is. WoW is my one hobby I always hold on to. I quit a Wednesday night job I had teaching just so I would have more time for my kid and NOT have to drop wow.

So I decided to find out… how do game dev dads do it? How do they deal with the time issue and how does it connect to crunch? So I asked the guys I work with that I know I have small children. With varying degrees of gratefulness, relief, and awe, they all replied that it was their wives. Their wives kept their kids, home, and everything running smoothly. The dads who worked every weekend, their wives picked up the slack. A few expressed to me their worry at missing their families, but that was just the way life goes. A few implied, if not outright said, well, that’s the way the world works. (My feminist voice in my head screamed for blood, but I kept her quiet.) Much like in every other field, it seems as if the wife is expected to pick up the slack and tend to the family and home when the husband must work overtime. When I talked to a few women in the industry, sans kids, about how they would handle it, one replied, and I quote “That’s why I am not having kids until I am ready to leave the industry.” !!!

During one particularly long crunch at another company, they offered free laundry services. The employees could bring in a bag of dirty laundry and a few days later get back a bag of folded clean laundry. Someone joked, oh hey, it’s like having a company mom! I replied that it would actually be far more useful to have an onsite daycare for the hours of crunch. Everyone looked at *me* like I was crazy. But really: then employee could work, non-employee could get all the housework done, and there wouldn’t be that slightly squicky idea of someone touching your dirty underwear.

What about single parents? I asked a single dad in the industry. If he has to work, his ex-wife gets the kid more than her share and gets angry at him. So sometimes the kid spends time with his family. Lucky he has family in the area. Otherwise he wouldn’t be able to work.

Here’s another strange thing about this whole situation. Perception. I get in to work most days at 8:30. I only take a 30 minute lunch, then leave at 5:30 (my kid’s daycare closes at 6). That’s 8 and 1/2 hours every day. Most of the office gets in at 10. (When our core hours start.) One time, during a Friday afternoon break fairly soon after I came back from maternity leave, someone commented that I was one of those “6 hour a day workers”, with a laugh, then said they wished they had a kid to give them a convenient excuse to leave early every day. I nearly punched him. With a glare I pointed out that despite the fact that HE rolled in at 10:30 every day, didn’t mean everyone did, in addition to being a hourly employee, I clock in every day too, would he like to review my calendar to check I work more than he does? He apologized, and has never made such a comment again, but how many other people think this way too?

When I left for maternity leave, I left on a Friday. Our game went to cert the very next Friday. I missed 5 whole days of the project, in a time when the only people actually making changes were the programmers and only for vital progression or cert bugs. About a year later, talking about being pregnant and shipping the game, someone replied, “Well, yeah, but you left like 2 months before we finished.” My response: “WHAT. THE. FUCK.” I had to correct him too. When did we cert? When did I leave? OH RIGHT. 7 FREAKING DAYS. In his mind, I had been gone “forever” because I was out 3 months. (The 3 months between cert and ship actually.) People’s sense of time skews when it’s not them. But these perceptions matter when everyone is tired, overworked, and stressed.

My experiences are just mine, but I can very easily see women not being willing to put up with it. My kid is absolutely the most important person in my life, and if not for my sheer level of stubbornness and extrovertedness, I seriously would have considered being a stay at home and professional WoW player. Is this one of the reasons we have so few women in the industry? How do we fix it?

Well for one, schedule and scope our games better. All too often work gets re-done or wasted. Leads and Publishers want more than they are willing to give time for. May the producers who build the gantt charts and FORCE the studio to get it to fit within the time frame find eternal joy. (My favorite producer was the one who drew one out, it showed we had 6 months more work than time, and said, “Okay, no one is leaving until it works.” 3 hours later, a very weary set of leads left the room with a workable schedule that did NOT include crunch.) Second, seriously, consider onsite child care. First off, child care is the *most* expensive thing when it comes to having a kid. My child care is almost as much as my RENT, and I live in California. If a company could get me onsite cheap child care, I would do everything in my power to keep that job. I’d take onsite child care over every other perk I get at a company.

I plan on writing more about being a mom and a game dev, but this is where I had to start. The one thing that makes it super difficult to be both. The one thing that would make me leave the industry. I love my job, but my kid wins.