Category Archives: Real Life

On Rejection and Competition

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This blog post is going to cover two topics. First, how to deal with the emotional feeling of being rejected for a role. Second, a re-framing and discussion of how to feel about the person who did get the role.

I want to start by saying, everything about getting a job in the game industry from before 2025 is outdated information *at best* and potentially harmful at worst. The landscape of looking for a job in the game industry has completely changed in the last four years into a very different beast than it once was. Before 2022, if I applied to a role, it didn’t matter how many of the requirements I met, I was probably getting a phone screen.

In 2024 I was in the unfortunate position of being employed, but knowing the layoffs were coming. Our contract had been canceled (*shakes fist at Netease*) and no one was being funded. So I started applying around. I actually got quite a few phone screeners during this time.

The context of my resume matters here though. Even ignoring my earlier shipped titles, I have 4 Skylanders games on my resume. A series that earned 4 Billion dollars. During my time at TfB I shipped 4 games in 7 years, a feat that VERY FEW other AAA developers can claim. (And not many indie devs either.) I also worked on World of Warcraft for 4 years, the 800lb Gorilla Game that everyone has heard of, most people have played, and is known for being difficult to work on. And I shipped two expansions there. These two bullet points ALONE put me in a different category from most other experienced game devs. Then I have multiple years of Unreal 5 experience. You know, that editor half the industry uses. Further, I am fairly competent and skilled at using Blueprints to do scripting. I understand state machines. All of this makes me a “top candidate” for most game design or level design roles.

I am not saying this to brag, I am saying this so that you continue reading with the FULL CONTEXT of what I am talking about when I talk about my experiences in interviewing in 2024-2026.

I have had people flat out say directly to me that if I apply for a job, they won’t bother.

I have had people say to my face “Well, you’re a unicorn.”

Okay? So trust me when I say this next sentence okay?

YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE FOR FAILING TO LAND A GAME JOB IN 2026.

YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE FOR FAILING TO LAND A GAME JOB IN 2025.

YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE FOR FAILING TO LAND A GAME JOB IN 2024.

YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE FOR FAILING TO LAND A GAME JOB IN 2023.

YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE FOR FAILING TO LAND A GAME JOB IN 2022.

I can’t really speak too much from before then, because I didn’t have the same experience before 2022 that I have had since 2022. There were also like 100k more game developer jobs back then. The old understanding doesn’t apply anymore.

In 2024 I was interviewed by 5 companies. One turned me down because I did not have Unity experience. Which is silly, because that’s clearly evident from my resume, but also – like, no offense Unity – but all game editors are pretty much the same. In my career I’ve worked in over 20 editors, everything from 2d ones like Game Maker to proprietary editors that were in the middle of being built while using them. If I can learn the WoWEdit tool, I can learn anything.

Another two companies during this time rejected me and went with other developers. I actually knew both devs who were hired instead of me. (I saw their posts on LinkedIn when they were hired.) Both were less experienced, had fewer shipped titles, about half my time in the industry, and both were cis white men. I can’t say why they were picked, and there were probably reasons unrelated to their gender and race, but at the same time, it cannot be discounted. In a pure numbers game, I should have won both roles, but I didn’t. I have no insight into the logic behind the choice. Was it just they had a better interview? Had they previously worked with the hiring manager? Were they cheaper?

In the end, I interviewed with Noodle Cat, and despite there being SEVERAL weird moments during the interviews that I was sure disqualified me, they made me an offer. So in 2024, I managed to dodge the layoff and land at Noodle Cat.

I was the unicorn. I was the overlap of skill sets and gave off the right energy to make them think I was a good hire.

Like many other game devs, I hold a lot of personal pride in being good at my job. Being offered a job in one of the worst layoff periods in the industry was very validating and affirming.

Sometime fairly early after starting, I heard a factoid that made me have to literally lay down.

Ready?

1500 people had applied for the role. They had 1500+ applicants. Even after sorting out the unqualified, who didn’t even meet the base requirements, there were over 500 remaining candidates. Once they cut everyone who didn’t meet all of the bullet points, they had over 300, fully qualified candidates.

THAT’S FUCKED UP. THAT IS NOT NORMAL. THAT’S AN INSANE NUMBER.

We’re not talking about a junior position. We’re talking about one that asked for a minimum of 5 years and 2 shipped titles. I know people with a DECADE in games who haven’t gotten to two shipped titles.

That’s the level of “Extinction Event” the industry is currently in. It’s not YOU, it’s the industry.

When I entered the in industry in 2007, getting 100 applicants for a role was OVERWHELMING. Blizzard was only getting a few hundred for a ENTRY LEVEL role.

Now, a senior to principal role will have HUNDREDS of QUALIFIED applicants. I am not exaggerating here. I need you to internalize this information because otherwise, you will continue to feel like not being able to get a job in the industry in your fault. It’s not your fault. I know indie studios that post a role then TAKE IT DOWN a week later because they are already overwhelmed with applicants.

THERE ARE NO JOBS.

Right now, the total number of game design and level design roles I could apply to is less than 20. I also know for a fact gents like Steve Powers and ladies like Beth Beinke are also currently unemployed. Even with Skylanders and WoW on my resume, it’s kind of hard to compete with “This guy was an LD on Deus Ex.” and “She was an LD on Bioshock Infinite.”

I am currently writing this while waiting to hear back from a small indie company. I interviewed, did well with each interview, and they even asked for my references and salary requirements. I have been doing the <exact> match of the role they are trying to fill for the last FOUR YEARS. I am telling you this because I am also fairly sure I am NOT going to get the offer at this point.

So how does that feel?

Honestly it sucks. I know I could do the job. I know I am kind and personable. I know I am good at working remotely. I know I can communicate well with my co-workers and I can prioritize tasks without needing a producer or director.

But the truth is, there’s a million reasons that it could have been that it wasn’t me. I hadn’t played their second game. I am a designer, so I don’t have the engineering foundation the rest of the team has. Maybe my references are too far out of date. Maybe my willingness to accept a lower salary than normal made it look like I didn’t know my own value. I mentioned the Activision Blizzard lawsuits and they aren’t sure they want someone who has sued their employer before. I am a woman, but even worse, I’m outspokenly feminist. I am anti-AI. I got distracted mid-interview because I have ADHD and I am currently unmedicated.

Or, the more likely one, I was a great candidate that they considered hiring, but there was someone else who was just SLIGHTLY better. A little more experience. A little more technical. A little more of a culture fit.

Despite knowing, intellectually, that I was better than a majority of the applicants and I did GREAT at my interviews, there’s still a tiny voice that says “Maybe I messed up.” and lists all those things two paragraphs ago. Here’s my advice – strangle that voice until it shuts the fuck up.

Once again, it’s not you. The industry is in a free fall. The companies that were hiring a year ago are closing. There’s ZERO funding if you don’t already have a large community for your indie game, and sometimes not even then.

Now. Even knowing these truths, even seeing how hard it is for someone with my level of resume, it’s completely valid and reasonable to feel bad/upset for not getting a role you managed to get the interview for. It sucks!

So how do I deal with it?

First off, remind yourself of the context of the world, industry, and economy. This wouldn’t be happening in 2019. This didn’t even happen in 2008 and that was another trash fire year for the industry. It’s NOT YOU.

Second, allow yourself to mourn the possibility. When I thought I might get this job, I started planning a possible to move to a larger house. Maybe even a trip to Japan. All of that won’t happen now, but it’s useful to remind myself – I am in the same position I was before I applied and that’s STILL a better position than many others. But it’s still sad to realize that I am probably not going to be replacing my couch or mattress this year, despite needing to. So I allow myself that sadness. (Ideally with a time limit. I try not to let it drag on for more than 2-3 days, then it’s just sparkling depression.)

Third, don’t dwell on it. I know this is hard, but letting go of the hurt is the only way to recover from it. Take a moment to post mortem the interview process. I like to write down questions I was asked, and noodle over perfect answers I could have given. How to phrase a story to make it funny and interesting. How to cut a story down that went on too long. But after that, just remind yourself you can’t change the past. Someone has been hired. You can iterate for the next one.

Next, I “clear out the dust”. I know this sounds kind of “hippy dippy” but trust me on this. I go for a LONG walk. Like, walk so far that you consider getting an uber home. Ideally walk in nature. As far away from a screen as you can get. Then I come home, put on my favorite music (right now it’s K-Pop Demon Hunters), and then I clean. I start with daily chores, and just keep going until I physically can’t anymore. Even if I am still sad, I am too exhausted to be able to deal with it, and I sleep better.

I also try to make sure I change at least one thing about the space I interviewed in. Not sure why, but it feels like I am actively “breaking” the memory of the failure. I clean the space and optimize something. I hang new art. I change the lighting. Something. Big changes are even better. Reorganizing my desk or bedroom to change the feel of the room. By changing the space, I am changing the way it feels. So instead of sitting at my desk and having the memory of the interview come up, I sit at my desk and think “Man, I am glad I fixed that doom pile that was over there.” We’re replacing a sad emotion with a positive one.

Allow yourself a “break” from the application and interview treadmill. I know, most people can’t do this, but if you can, try to do something that is soothing or comforting for yourself. Plan a specific “I won’t look at job boards or linkedin day.” Find a project you’ve been meaning to do and focus on it for a day or three. Even better if the project is fixing your living space or results in a physical item being created. (I think I’m going to try to tackle my paper doom piles.)

Do the same kinds of things you would do if you were just laid off, or mourning a loss of any kind. Be kind to yourself. Not only do you deserve it, you’ve been trough a tough challenge that didn’t pan out, but also you deserve it regardless. If beating yourself up worked, it would have by now. This isn’t something YOU could have changed the outcome on.

I can’t make a company offer me a job.

I can’t make more jobs appear.

I can’t –

Sorry, I just got the rejection email.

*SIGH*

The best interview I’ve ever had and I didn’t get it. Yes, this literally happened while I was typing this post up.

Do you believe me now? It’s NOT YOU.

Okay, well, let’s move on to the next part, how to feel okay about the person who did get the role.

First off, let’s be very clear here – the other applicants are NOT the enemy. They are your peers. Your contemporaries. Your possible future co-workers! It’s NOT THEIR FAULT they got the job. Just like it wasn’t your fault you didn’t.

They just – fit a little better. They had a little more connection to the studio. They just managed to win that roll of the dice.

The game industry is REAL small. They might be the one interviewing you in a year when the company opens more roles. I’ve worked with several people MULTIPLE times at different companies.

I’ve been friends with people who were in direct competition for a role, and we both knew it. I’m not going to stop being someone’s friend because they managed to score a job over me. I even talked about one of my “competitors” in an interview one time KNOWING she was also interviewing! (Yes, Jackie Wiley IS amazing at her job and totally the right call if you want an exceptional quest designer.)

Heck, the job I was just rejected from I literally gave them a reference that included ANOTHER PERSON WHO WAS ALSO INTERVIEWING FOR THE SAME ROLE.

Because the truth is we’re all in this together. No one wants the industry to be this “rolling dumpster fire”, it just is.

I’m going to repeat this – we’re all in this together. Games are so often a collaborative effort between dozens (or hundreds) of people from all different disciplines working together towards a singular goal. Every other game dev you meet has something to teach you, no matter how many years you’ve been in the industry or how many games you’ve shipped. And if you allow yourself to be angry and bitter over the loss of this job, you’re actively making yourself a worse hire later.

Now, I’m going to finish this up with a story and a bit of “hippy” talk.

Back in 2010, I had been unemployed for 5 months after the closing of Sega Studios San Francisco. After a summer of barely being able to find jobs I was qualified for, I applied to two different companies. One, the one I wanted MORE, was at Nihilistic. My buddy Jeff Kung worked there. He had recommended me. There was a SUPER COOL lady designer in charge of design. I had never worked with a lady designer at that point* (note – since this event, a person I worked with transitioned and now this story is no longer completely accurate, but at the TIME, I didn’t know I was working with a lady designer, because she hadn’t transitioned yet.) I liked the game. I liked the studio. I learned Maya in a WEEK to do their design test, which I felt was awesome.

Then they told me no. I was CRUSHED. Heartbroken. They were working on a game for Playstation! UGH.

A week later I got the call back for an interview with the other job I had applied to. I went to my interview, but I didn’t have a recommendation there. I wasn’t even sure I wanted to work for *Activision*. I didn’t expect to get the job.

But as it turns out, they needed heavy scripters and the hiring manager also played WoW, so he understood that my WoW addon scripts made me totally qualified to do the job. And that’s how I got hired on to be a level designer for a game that would eventually be called Skylanders.

Sometimes things happen for a reason. Sometimes it’s the universe lining you up for a better spot.

Emotional Roller Coasters

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I’ve never been a fan of roller coasters. They tend to trigger anxiety attacks in me, which sometimes become panic attacks.

Losing a job is one of the more stressful events you can experience. It’s right up there with the death of a close family member and the birth of a child. Everything kind of changes all at once and you’re left feeling like something is missing. I could spend days talking about how garbage it is that our society places so much importance on being productive and having a job that we completely wrap our entire selves up in it, but I don’t feel like that today. TL:DW, it’s bad and you might need to repeat to yourself that your worth is not measured by your productivity.

I will add, it’s especially bad when you lose your job because of things entirely beyond your control. I can’t change how many people buy a game. I can’t change the cost of rent. I can’t change the fact that MBAs and VCs are actively looting our industry with their mad gambles to try to out Fortnite Fortnite. I can only change my own behavior.

Related, this is why I so often repost or talk about Indie Games from people I adore. Supporting small indies is literally the only way to take back our industry from the Money Men. But again, that’s a whole different blog post.

What I want to talk about is the emotional weight (and how to deal with it) of being laid off.

It doesn’t matter how often it happens, or how much you expect it, it always hits like a truck. I became worried about layoffs when we slipped past our first “potential release date”. We barreled towards our second, a mere 2 months later. Still anxious and stressed about it, we again were given more time to keep working. And we did. In the end, I had been preparing to be laid off for 10 MONTHS before it actually happened.

“I braced for impact for so long, it wasn’t relieving to finally impact.”

Fortunately, unlike some of my other layoffs, this one happened along a clear timeline. We were told it might happen 2 months in advance. Every week we were given information that made it fairly clear that the headcount cut was coming. We had shifted (without input, it just happened naturally) to a 2 week sprint cadence. We knew that time was running out and no one wanted to leave things undone.

When it finally happened, I breathed a deep sigh. They gave us a couple of days to gather materials, hand out contact info, etc. That’s always nice. It’s not the norm though.

I like to compare it to being in a thornbush. Along the way some decision was made and you ended up here, in a place that is only filled with sharp points that poke into you every time you try to move or even breathe. You freeze so that the thorns stop hurting you, but they’re still there. There’s no easy escape and often the only way out is through.

Fortunately, I had been bracing for impact for SO long, I knew exactly what my runway was. I knew what the backup plans were. I knew how long I could relax before I’d have to find another thornbush to jump into.

I am lucky enough to have a partner who is also in games, who also understands, and who is also an Android Developer. He had already updated his resume and was mid interviews with a small local company.

“Tag, you’re it.” I joked as I flopped down on the couch, exhausted.

I started thinking about all the times I’ve been laid off before. A couple of times I wasn’t laid off, but the layoffs were imminent. I managed to – multiple times – in my career sneak out just before they hit. I got really good at reading the signs.

Layoff Signs, for future reference:

  • They do an inventory of computers and equipment. (Always backup your work on a regular cadence, but if this happens, do it immediately.)
  • Normal spending that would usually happen very quickly, is drawn out. As if they aren’t sure it’s worth it to spend the money right now.
  • There’s little to no work and everyone is being encouraged to take time off. (They want you to burn your PTO so they don’t have to pay it out.)
  • Hiring Freezes are more overt. Sometimes they’re sneaky though and instead they’ll just not interview anyone for a position.
  • Delaying standard “business” activities. (Updating hardware, annual reviews, or training.)
  • Penny Pinching software licenses.
  • Multiple Leadership people leave in a short time.
  • Leadership checks out.

In 2022, while working at Zynga, I started noticing several of these behaviors at our company, despite being well funded and near shipping. So I started poking around at other jobs. The industry was already a trash fire of layoffs, and I didn’t want to be caught without a job. Ryan’s work was already seeing contract cancellations, and I didn’t want to risk it. I interviewed with a couple of companies and I got two offers. (One was good, the other was HOT garbage.) I decided to stick around because the offer wasn’t quite good enough, and I wanted my annual bonus from Zynga. 3 months later, the first “round” of layoffs hit. Some companies do a big layoff all at once. Some try to “fly under the radar” and instead lay people off slowly, over time. Zynga liked to do it slow. Just a couple of people, and always a few short of having to notify WARN.

I felt the target on my back and reached out to the “good” offer I had turned down three months earlier. This is how, in 2023, as the layoffs in the industry were REALLY ramping up, I managed to land a new job in 2 business days. (Kim, why do you say it like that? Because I realized on Friday when my lead was laid off that I was going to be next. Monday was a holiday. Tuesday I reached out and by Tuesday evening I had a signed offer letter with a shiny new start date. That’s INSANE. That would have been BLAZINGLY fast BEFORE the industry began collapsing.)

I swapped over to my new studio, and things started off swimmingly. As I mentioned in my return post though, that didn’t last long. We had a round of layoffs (more than 100 people) and while I survived, the writing on the wall was very grim. I held out until the project I was on lost it’s funding. And once more, this time in 2024, I was looking for a job hoping to beat the “rush” as it were. I was successful, and in 31 days, secured a new role. As it turns out, I slipped out a mere 3 weeks before the layoffs hit. It probably would have been better for me to have waited, snagging that sweet severance, but I had a job so I wasn’t too upset about it.

In my early career I was at a company that closed (effectively, if not in name), a company that did a mass layoff two weeks after I left, and then again had a company close on me.

Sega Studios SF made Iron Man 2. We did a decent job given the timeline and the technical challenges of the game. It sold as expected. And despite this, despite the plan being to cut only 40% of the studio, the morning came where instead of laying off 40% of the company, they just shut the whole thing down. I was totally unprepared.

What happened next would be the foundation for this post, the advice I will give, and my current activities. I was unemployed for 5 months. Due to my (now ex) partner’s job at the time, we were not open to relocating. And even being in the Bay Area, there’s only SO many level designer jobs out there. 2010 was still in the period recovering from the recession. Things were still “coming back”. What do you do when you are unemployed for 5 MONTHS? What do you do during the long haul of anxiety and uncertainty?

Week 1:

The first week after a layoff is a MIND fuck, make no mistake. You will cycle between emotions with stunning speed and frequency. Sometimes even good emotions!

I always choose to post immediately about it. I want people to know when talking to me where the wounds are so they don’t poke them.

There’s a couple of different Tasks I would recommend this first week.

  • Go ahead and file for unemployment. It’s your money, and it will take a week or three to get functional.
  • If you’re feeling up to it, update your resume and portfolio while it’s still fresh.
  • Cut all non-critical spending. (Cancel subs, services, etc.) (More on this later.)
  • Clean your habitat.

And that’s it. You can apply to jobs or start networking, but in the current situation, it’s fairly unlikely you will be snapped up immediately. We’re prepping for a marathon, not a sprint. Don’t make ANY large decisions this week. They can wait a week. What you actually NEED this week is to rest and reset.

I highly recommend taking a day, and ANGER CLEANING. I usually put on old clothes, tie my hair back, and just start with the intent of getting as gross and sore as possible. The goal here is to be sore enough that you feel like actually sitting on the couch and watching something silly. The goal is to be gross enough to take a shower where you wash your whole body twice. The goal is to throw away every single piece of trash in your house. Think of it like, Spring Cleaning, but more about cleaning away the negative emotions.

This time I decided to clean bathrooms. Both of ours were very gross and with all the extra work I hadn’t had time to do it for weeks and weeks. Both toilets were fuzzy. The floors were covered in hair. Both showers were covered in mold and needed a deep clean. I got to it. 4 hours later, I had two sparkling bathrooms, two bags of trash, and I was tired enough to nap.

Humans have all these super cool evolutionary adaptations, but our bodies often react as if we’re still living in tribes. “You can’t run away from your problems, except when you can.” was a quote from an article I read about running as a treatment for anxiety. Literally running away from your problems closes the loop in our brains to make us think the danger has passed, so we can let go of the anxiety and move forward. The trick with cleaning is to do ENOUGH of it to trigger that “I got away from the tiger.” reaction in your brain. Also, having that room/area clean will make you feel better. I promise.

Week 2:

This week you should feel your emotions stabilizing. You’re not being bombarded with well meaning platitudes from friends. You aren’t being asked awkward questions anymore. You’ve likely slept a whole bunch. (That’s totally normal! You’ve been through a traumatic event and your brain needs more rest than usual!)

  • Update Resume and Portfolio (recheck it if you did it last week.)
  • Check for open roles at places you WANT to work. I am being specific about the narrow category here, because you want to “stagger” applications.
  • Calculate your personal runway and make a backup plan.
  • Clean another room.
  • Come up with your Daily Schedule.

I always like recommending people review their resume and portfolio a week later. You’ve rested by now, time to double check you remembered all the cool shit you did. I also recommend starting slow for applying for jobs. Right now there are SO few game jobs, you want to focus on quality not quantity. Apply to jobs you KNOW you’d be in the top choices for. Especially if you have network connections there.

I am going to assume though, that like my 2010, 2017, and now 2026, you won’t find a job immediately. So here’s where “Organization Renders Any Goal Achievable.” okay, maybe not, but producers sure love when I say that. So we’re settling in for a long haul. Unemployment usually only last for 3-6 months, based on where you are, and often does not cover rent. Before I go forward, here’s a reminder – YOU ARE NOT YOUR PRODUCTIVITY.

There’s no shame in being laid off (at least, not for you, the laid off one.) There’s no shame in moving back in with parents, downsizing, or even taking a job outside of the industry. Repeat after me: Make Art, Make Rent, and Help Others Do The Same. Anyone who will judge you for these things is not a person you should be listening to.

So at this point, (last week), we knew we had enough savings to get us to the end of our lease. Additionally, we could swing a U-Haul and are fortunate enough to have not one, but two parents homes where we would be welcome, if not comfortable, staying. So that’s our Runway and Backup Plan sorted. It’s not a great backup plan, but it means not being homeless, so it’s valid.

Now that the initial shock is worn off, it’s still challenging, but important, to review all your expenditures and go into “poverty mode”. It’s always a bummer to cancel stuff like Patreon or subs to small creators, but they will understand. They’ve been there too. I always like to slightly gamify this step, as it makes it easier for me. I try to see how much I can cut. Can I just drink tap water for a month? Let’s find out! Making it a challenge or giving myself a score for it makes me more likely to stick with it and give it a real chance.

This second week, I cleaned our kitchen. While doing so, I made sure to take time to do all the small things – small projects – that would take 30 minutes or so, and I had been putting off for months.

In 2010, when I was unemployed for 5 months, I didn’t start off with a plan. I just kind of existed for a month or so, then settled into playing WoW all day. Not to knock playing WoW all day, but it doesn’t pay the bills. After a while, I realized if I didn’t apply SOME form of structure to my life, I would continue to feel depressed and horrible about my job situation. I came up with a daily, weekly, and monthly schedule.

My daily schedule is very much focused on “meat suit upkeep”. If you’ve ever done “Time Boxing” exercises, this helps quite a bit. I have set times for things like – eating, showering, walks, and waking/sleeping. But then I will have a “one hour learning” block. I keep these very vague and loose, to allow for emotional and mental adjustments. Some days are emotionally hard, so I make sure I can do emotionally neutral activities those days. Some are more mentally taxing, so I plan for “easy brain” stuff as well.

My weekly schedule included things like “On Monday check all the job boards.” “On Wednesday, do all the laundry.” “On Friday, make a better than normal meal.” All of the goals I set were things that made me feel better or made me feel like I was at the very least, pushing slightly forward.

My monthly schedule included things like “Add a new level to my portfolio.” “Make a Non-Game Resume.” “Rearrange all the furniture in the living room to fix the flow.”

Your schedule will entirely depend on you, but I highly recommend focusing on things you DO NOT get time to do while working. Read a ton of books. Write down your emotions in a journal (not on social media). Reorganize your closet. Sell all those random things you’ve been thinking about selling but just haven’t found the time. Complete projects. I like to (usually during week 2 actually!) walk around my house with a notepad just writing down all the “in progress” or “not started” projects and tasks. Then I rate them on “Emotion Weight” (1-5, 1 easy, 5 hard), “Physical Demands”, and “Length of Time”. I like to start long projects on Monday, with a soft goal of completing it “this week.” I like to save emotionally challenging tasks and do them all on the same day (think about Parks and Rec’s episode with the 97 meetings) and then give myself a break the next day. (If I apply for jobs on Monday, I can play Genshin for an extra hour on Tuesday.) I then take this list, put it into a more organized list, and start checking things off.

Week 3 and Beyond

As time goes by, you will feel the roller coaster less and less. Things become more routine, you get into the cycle of actually changing your sheets every week. You settle into applying for jobs, but hearing nothing back. If you’re working out, you’ll start to notice changes. You might even start working on your own game. (You should absolutely work on your own game.)

Really, the important thing here is to protect your mental health. Track the things you do over days, recording how each activity or thing made you feel, and then in subsequent days, repeat the actions that make you feel better. Lean into things that make you feel like you have control over the situation. I like to pack the days with activities I would LOVE to do normally, but cannot due to work. If you’re going to be spending your savings (or accruing debt) might as well make it worth it and live your best version of life.

  • Watch a TV show you’ve never seen but people constantly reference. (Highly recommend X-Files or Supernatural for this.)
  • Watch a movie you’ve always meant to.
  • Read those books on your nightstand.
  • Play literally any of your backlog.
  • Learn some basic yoga (yoga is the GOAT for staying active while also not risking injuries.)

Listen to your body and give yourself grace. I like to say, “Never say something to yourself that you wouldn’t say to your best friend.” And it’s good advice here. Instead of beating yourself up about something you cannot control, be the friend you need that gives you support. Also, reach out to friends for support. Ask them to review your resume or cover letter. Ask them to read over your portfolio. Ask them to hang out (but somewhere cheap because you’re broke.)

Now, real talk, the Industry is a dumpster fire. Even stable profitable games and companies have been laying people off and while some still parrot sayings like “survive to 25” or “make it stick to 26”, we’re all very aware of the state of the industry. I often say “Any port in the storm.” and this is the storm of the century. Don’t feel bad if this means finding a job only tangentially related to games. Don’t feel bad if it means working at Costco. You cannot control the industry and you certainly can’t control the economy. You are a leaf on the wind and just trying to not get speared.

Try to balance your days in such a way that you don’t run out of emotional bandwidth or end up bed rotting, BUT IF YOU DO THAT’S OKAY. It’s okay to have a day where you do nothing but exist. You have been working very hard for a very long time and your body knows when it needs a break. Let it have one, since the universe has been so kind as to give you the time. (Mild sarcasm there. But it’s also annoyingly true.)

My currently weekly goals include writing more here. If you’re on the Ghost Hunter Simulator Patreon, you’ll see me pop up there this week too.

But remember, your job is not who you are. Your employment status is not a measure of your worth. You are capable. This is not a normal market and not normal for the industry. You are living through unprecedented times (again) and thus need to remind yourself of these facts.

Edit Update:
https://www.thewritegame.com/post/the-layoff-talk-presentations-by-worth-dayley

Here’s a link to a super cool powerpoint that covers many of the same things I talk about. It’s good stuff!

*taps* Is this thing still on?

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Well, a lot has happened since the last time I updated here.

A global pandemic, I moved halfway across the country TWICE, I’ve changed jobs 3 times since then, and released 4 games since then.

There’s quite a bit to catch up on I guess.

Let’s start with, after a little over 4 years at Blizzard, I chose to leave and accepted a job at Zynga. There’s a lot to that story, and I am not sure I will ever delve into it on this blog, but if I ever publish my book “Tales from the Meat Grinder”, that story will be detailed in there. You don’t spend 12 years trying to get a job then 3 months in google “I got my dream job and I hate it, now what?” without there being a lot of story there.

As a part of joining Zynga, I relocated to Austin for 18 months. I worked on Star Wars Hunters, a mobile game, that was a team based character arena shooter. It was fun! It also SUCKED! Again, more stories for the Meat Grinder.

I was hired away from Zynga by Lost Boys Interactive and I was really excited to work there. In the 16 months I was there, I ended up working on 8 different projects. I am pretty sure my brain melted at one point. However the contraction of the Industry was clear, so I kept a close eye on the state of our company and when we lost the contract we were on, I started looking immediately. I ended up landing a job at Noodle Cat Games. While there, we shipped Cloudheim! It’s a really fun co-op game and you should check it out.

However, as of today, I have been furloughed. As it turns out, the economy being shit and the price of groceries skyrocketing means people aren’t spending as much on games, and if they are, it’s not new ones.

Oh and I also shipped my own indie game with my husband Ryan. It’s called Ghost Hunter Simulator, and it does what it says on the tin, LOL. There’s also a free demo – Here – if you want to check it out, but are also struggling under the aforementioned price of groceries.

I KNOW. I shipped two games in the same calendar year and somehow didn’t go completely insane, but I am very burned out now. As a result, I am sort of looking forward to my furlough and just <existing> as a human for a bit.

I’ve wanted to resurrect this blog for a while. (I even have a couple of posts in google docs already to go.) But considering the state of things *gestures at everything* it’s been challenging to find the time and the energy to do it. The universe has conspired to help me and as a result, here we are.

I’m still noodling (aw, Noodle Cat) over what I want to do where, because like everyone else with ADHD, I have 50 irons in the fire and no clue which one I want to hammer out next. Here’s a short list:

I stream GHS development most Saturdays on Twitch. And I have several more levels that need lots of work.

I upload the uncut streams to YouTube, and I need to learn video editing to cut them down into useful tutorials and clips.

I also want to do Resin Crafting YouTube Videos.

And Cheap Cooking Videos.

And I want to keep writing on my Memoirs, Tales from the Meat Grinder, about my experiences in the Games Industry.

I am also writing a book that’s currently called “How to Parent an ADHD child with ADHD, using Game Design.” It’s pretty much a guide to help parents figure out how to best work with their kid’s neurospicy brain instead of fighting against it.

I am also writing a Romantasy Novel, The Owl Mother.

I also want to blog here. But also blog on our Patreon about Game Dev.

I also apparently need to update my portfolio for the last decade of my work.

It’s a lot. And the world is a lot. And my kid is 13 now, so he gets a lot of my time.

And apparently relearn wordpress.

I’m tired already.

Dungeons and Dragons at TfB

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It all started with someone saying they had never played Dungeons and Dragons. It seems weird, working for a video game company that exists because of D&D, but many people didn’t get the opportunity to play growing up. I did. And I had even run games before, though for much less discerning players than a group of people who *make* games for a living.

4 years later, we have had two full campaigns and a short lived run through some Savage Worlds, but here we are, playing D&D again. I have played in some of it, but mostly I have been running games. Not just because it’s the easiest way to make sure we play and everyone is having fun, but more because this is what I find fun. Presenting a situation to players and watching them destroy it in the most beautiful ways.

I believe playing and running D&D games makes you a better game designer.

There are different kinds of DMs (dungeon masters) and different kinds of campaigns, but most of the players I have encountered agree that that whole point is to have fun. I have tried planning out everything meticulously and it rarely works. If I have a country road ambush, and I need the players to ride along a road at a specific time to have something specific happen, but I mention in passing while setting the scene that a monarch butterfly flits by – one of two things will happen – 1. The players will chase off after the butterfly certain that it is important because I mentioned it. Or 2. Turn around and ride the other direction because someone forgot to buy arrows or their cat is on fire back in town.

Over the years leading up to my career in video games I learned a great deal about D&D players. They might as well all be named Murphy. They will absolutely go the wrong way, do the wrong thing, at the absolute worst possible time. The job of the DM though, is to make sure they have fun doing so.

I learned to only vaguely plan what I wanted the session to be. It will always be shorter or longer than I imagine. They will have an easy time with extremely difficult monsters while dying to the fluffy bunnies of cuddles. They will bash down doors that weren’t locked, they will fall down shafts that have ladders, and they will drown in small ponds. They will also roll natural 20s (an automatic success) on unopenable chests, leap 40 foot crevasses, and drown bosses in pools of holy water without ever once touching him.

What makes D&D so much fun? What makes me enjoy running these games so much, despite it taking hours of my limited free time, excessive amounts of money for every book WotC prints, and so much mental preparation? Because I can always say YES to the player.

In video games, we are often limited by our tech or our scope. If the player in a game wants to go off the beaten path and chase down bunnies – they can’t always do that. And if we do let them do that, that takes time and money that could be spent on “more important things”. But in D&D – not only can the player do so, but I can twist the story and plan to make it so it’s important and what was intended ALL ALONG. There’s always an answer. Everything’s always connected even if it wasn’t intended to be that way.

To give a very immediate example – last night I presented my players with a room in a magical dungeon. The dungeon is magical because it creates challenges that are specific to THESE characters. This room was targeting towards our resident sorcerer, who’s day job is creating gaming supplies like cards and dice. The room was a handsomely appointed tavern room (yes, in a magical dungeon, it works because magic) with a single table and two chairs. The player immediately sat in the chair, while his party members stood back and watched, and a ghost appeared in the opposite chair to play him at a card game. As he spoke to the ghost he learned the specifics of this challenge. He had to win three bets against the ghost, before he lost 3. Of course, he lost 3 first. Now, I as the DM, didn’t have a concrete plan beyond – the ghost will attack him if he loses. That was it.

The ghost turns aggressive and attacks my player. Of course, his party members join the fray, but as they are level 1, and the ghost is quite challenging, they didn’t kill it. It however reduced my player to 0 hit points (in D&D this doesn’t mean he is dead yet, just knocked out and dying.) At this point, I could have the ghost start attacking the other players, they did after all attack the ghost. But that’s so… normal. So instead, the ghost reverts to its previous non-aggressive form and vanishes. I didn’t plan that. I thought of it in the moment.

As they revive the player, he once more sits down to play the ghost, who returns and acts as if nothing has happened and is willing to play again. They know they hadn’t beaten the room’s challenge and earned the reward. Only this time, the players change their tactics. They all start cheating like mad. Slight of hands, distractions, perception and insight rolls are flying around as they try to help the player win 3 rounds of poker. Of course, he succeeds this time – it was easy as he had 3 extra cards in his hand.

They successfully overcome the challenge and the ghost leaves, giving them access to a door that rewards them with a magical staff specifically made for the player. I didn’t plan most of it. I had exactly two words written down for this puzzle – “gambling game” and then a second note made later that said “v ghost.”

On the surface it seems like a really weird thing to have in a game. It’s not combat (well, it had combat, but it was solvable without combat.) It allowed them to fail and retry without “reloading” or sacrifice. It was still challenging, but not mindless. And yet, it’s exactly the kind of thing we frequently did in Skylanders (there was just a card game, and at times the players inexplicably had to beat them to proceed.) And mostly, the interactions, rolls, and events were generated on the fly to adjust to the players, their actions, their health and stats, and the general feel of the room.

Video game development is a weird beast. Very rarely does the plan set down at the beginning actually lead to the game at the end. Much like the adage about war, the battle plan never survives the encounter with the enemy. On the 4 Skylanders games I built levels for, never once did the order of levels survive 5 months without being changed. That’s not the first 5 months. That’s every 5 months. 5 months from CRC (the first attempt at a final build) at least one level would be moved forward or back to fix some weird issue with a story point, a mechanic, or a toy production issue. Being able to quickly think on your feet and improvise solutions using nothing but what is already in the game is a very valuable skill.

D&D is a group storytelling experience, in that the DM is taking all the threads of story being told by the players, weaving them together, then weaving them into a larger epic narrative. Many video game designers want to achieve this same goal. I have found these are generally the better designers in the game industry and often make exceptional games. They let the player affect the game, story, and experience, even if that means things break in unexpected and horribly broken ways. D&D makes me a better designer because experience DMing has taught me that saying yes to the player and allowing them to do ridiculous game breaking things often leads to the most interesting stories that get retold for years afterwards. It’s not my epic tale where I force them along a prescribed set of actions (that’s a book) it’s the group of us, working together to create hilarious adventures.

Not to mention that having a regular group of people willing to stumble and bumble through mechanics and puzzles is a really great testing ground for level design. In addition, playing with people from work leads to really amazing friendships and the ability to work really well together even when not in dungeons.

NaNoWriMo 2016

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When I was 12, I got into an argument with my brother. See, I had showed him my “book” I was writing. And I said I wanted to be a writer. My brother was an artist, in that he drew, sculpted, and painted. He told me “Don’t be an artist, you don’t want to end up like me.” We argued because I insisted being a writer wasn’t the same as being an artist. To me, it wasn’t.

I see now what he meant, but even so, I still think I am right. It’s not the same. It is, in some ways, you have to be creative, determined, and dedicated. You have to practice and work at it to improve. But at the same time, his art required a dexterity of hand I did not have. My work required finding words fascinating and enjoying finding the right one.

In college I took all the English classes, including the one creative writing class. I wrote a 40 page story for my Humanities semester project. I loved writing stories, often writing down my own little head fantasies. I was in high school before I found out other people didn’t do that – have little plays in their heads.

I went off to Video Game school, determined to learn a skill that could be leveraged into a career. But I never stopped writing.

I never finished writing though. I would write for a few days, then not do it for a month, come back and the story in my head had changed. So I would write and rewrite. I would get distracted by games or tv shows. Work and side projects. There was always something.

A few times, I managed to press forward and get a hundred or so pages on some story, but it would always have flaws that kept me from FINISHING something I was writing.

This was about the time I saw NaNoWriMo for the first time. That was it. That was what I needed. A tight deadline. It needed to be a constant pressure on me to keep.writing. So I tried it for the first time 2009.

Except my job went into crunch and I had barely enough time to sleep much less write. I tried writing on the ferry and commute, but at the end of a long day of work, I was spent. There wasn’t anymore *juice*. I got about 10k words written.

It was weird – how much I felt like a failure. I hadn’t even signed up on the site. There was no one who KNEW I was a failure, but I felt like – that was it. I wasn’t a writer.

The next year, not crunching, in a much better place, I decided to try again. I planned my novel, got all my characters ready. I was good to go. I was unemployed too. PERFECT FOR WRITING. Then I literally got a job, and won a trip to BlizzCon. In November. I ended that one at around 5k words.

Even more of a failure.

The next year I just ignored it. I wasn’t a writer. And I was going to BlizzCon again.

The year after that – I had just had a kid, are you kidding me?

Then in 2013 I thought, okay, surely I can do it this time. I even had a different plan of attack. I would write it in tweets. It would take about 100 tweets a day, but it was so doable. I loved tweeting!

I managed to make about 200 tweets. Wah wahh. BlizzCon again. Man, was that convention a real killer. I would end up 5 days behind without even TRYING.

2014 I had the worst year ever and just completely ignored it.

2015 I decided to write about 2014. Turn my pain into art. I got 2 days in and realized, nope, there wasn’t enough distance yet. Just thinking about it made me sad and depressed. So I killed that one too.

Then it was October this year. I still really wanted to give it a legit go. This year though, I needed to do something different. The planning it out and trying to write it thing wasn’t working for me. So instead of doing one long novel, I would write short stories. But more than that, if I got bored with one I would just BAIL on it. Even if it wasn’t complete. Just keep writing. Write the 50k words and be done with it.

So day one, I started with a writing prompt from pinterest. I had a little plan in my head for what I was going to write this short story for, then get on it.

4 days later, I was still writing on the same story, and it was going places I TOTALLY didn’t expect. A week after that (the 11th) I hadn’t written on it in a week. WELL.CRAP. But I had a free night, and I didn’t feel like playing WoW so I started hammering on it. By the end of the night, I was only a day behind.

That was the moment. Realizing I could write over 10k words in an evening? Oh yeah, I could do it. And even better, it was fun. I felt energized and happy. Like I had accomplished something.

I was more consistent for the rest of the month, writing every few days for long blocks of time. And I finished early. Nov 27th, at 4am, I finished the book and the 50k words. I hadn’t meant to stay up to 4am, it just kind of happened. (Gamers – it was 100% a 1 more turn thing.) And even funnier, I had written one long story. I never moved off the first prompt. It had gotten interesting and I was enjoying watching it unfold. I was entertaining MYSELF by writing.

I had done it. And it was like – my brain went – Oh right, no, I can do this. This is easy. This is fun. And it’s something I like.

I took the next day off writing. But by Monday evening, I was antsy again. I decided that while my first draft was “settling” over December – I would do it again. 50k more words in 30 days. And it doesn’t seem insurmountable. It seems easy. Totally doable.

So here are the things I learned from finally succeeding:

  • Sometimes you can over plan.
  • It’s more about staying the course of writing every day than writing the right thing.
  • Writing the right thing comes in the revision stage. That will take longer.
  • Sometimes you have to just write – [Ugh – explain this later] and move on.
  • Sometimes you just have to write [And things happened – but they end up here.]
  • DO NOT RESEARCH. It will kill your progress.
  • Give characters stupid names. It’s fine. Replace them later.
  • I write better in long blocks. I will get more done in a 4 hour writing session than 4 1 hour sessions.
  • It’s possible to not know the answer to a question a character asks – and as you are writing their response you write out the answer. Without having known it. It’s super weird.

I decided to trust Stephen King and Neil Gaiman and let my work sit for a bit before the first revision. I am actually very excited about going back and rewriting parts and reviewing it. I also found my brain expects me to write. I can do it faster and easier now. Like this whole blog post took 30 min.

Maybe I am a writer after all.

Wasteland Weekend 2016

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It all started with my friend, Ryan, asking us to save Bottle Caps for him. We asked him why, and found out about Wasteland Weekend. A 4 day event in the desert, intended to serve as a living homage to Mad Max and the world created by George Miller.

“You are a crazy person.”

“My idea of camping is a hotel with slow wifi.”

“I am pretty sure I would just spontaneously combust in the desert.”

These are all things I said, back in 2013 when I first heard of Wasteland Weekend. Fast forward to 2015, during which time, Ryan and I decided to see how the amazing friendship thing we had would work as maybe a more than friendship thing. Only now, I was sitting there watching a person, who had previously not been that important to me, but was now extremely important, pack and prepare to head out to the desert.

I was NOT happy. I had seen pictures from previous years. Bandaged eyes, sunburn, and cuts and scrapes. Even worse, he was turning off his phone for the whole time. I wouldn’t even get a “I’m alive!” text for 5 days. While he was gone, I SCOURED the internet for Wasteland pictures. I stalked social media, found people to follow, and inspected every face, looking for the one I loved so much. A friend of mine on twitter was there. And she had her phone on. And lived tweeted the event. The tents, the hanging out, the Thunderdome, a wedding, food, all of it. She painted a very different picture than the ones I was expecting. I started thinking… could I do this? Could I go with him next time?

A year is a long time in a new relationship, but so far, we had meshed together as if we were always meant to be. So maybe. It was a thing I needed to think about. Time passed and we kept making plans for future things. Things 3 and 4 months out. Instead of me expecting to be broken up with at any moment, I was finding myself making plans for things that were a long way away.

Then, one night, slightly drunk, I informed Ryan that I wanted to go to Wasteland Weekend with him. I was terrified. What would I do if it was horrid? How would I deal with the heat and sun? I was torn. I didn’t want to go, but I kinda did. I wanted to SEE this thing. Tickets were purchased. Now I was invested.

I did a ton of research, turning to Pinterest for information and ideas. Planning would save me. Ryan started talking about costumes and tents and masks. Every time the subject came up I wavered and considered asking him to let me out of it. But surely anything can be endured for 5 days right?

We ended up being crazy people and moving in together much sooner than expected, to help us both add stability and peace to our lives. After a bit of work crunch, the preparation for Wasteland began in earnest, as the event was RAPIDLY approaching. I still wavered a bit, in my own head, but I was determined to make the best of it. I bought 4 long sleeved athletic shirts from Old Navy, after all – I wouldn’t have to worry about sun screen coverage if everything was covered with cloth! I got several pairs of pants to “wasteland up”. I started making old key necklaces, bottle cap earrings, and such. I got my camel pack and Ryan attached the awesome shoulder armor he made for me to it.

Suddenly the days were all gone and we were packing for the weekend. I had no idea of what to take, so I ended up panic throwing things in the car. Five bottles of sunscreen sounds about right for 5 days in the desert right? Two bottles of rum? How about a first aid kit, solarcaine for when I got burned, and advil pm for when I couldn’t sleep. The trip down to California City was pretty much me staring out the window an anxious bundle of nerves.

We got down there super late at night and stayed in a hotel, one last shower before we headed out into the desert the next morning. I AM A REDHEAD. I burn in INDIRECT SUNLIGHT. I hate heat. I get crabby when I am sweaty. WHAT.THE.FUCK.AM.I.DOING. I am 90 percent certain the only reason I didn’t panic attack out that morning was I was too TIRED.

People keep asking me – Did you have fun? The answer is not nearly as straight forward as yes or no. How do you boil down a set of completely surreal, torturous, and outlandish experiences down to “Yeah, it was fun.” This is usually followed by a “Well, will you go back?” to which I answer – a solid Maybe***. Yes that’s 3 asterisk contingencies.

So one of the things about Wasteland is – it’s in a desert. It’s not a permanent location. It’s just a large open sandy area. No bathrooms. No showers. No water. There is ONE concrete slab that has been graffitied. That’s it. It’s all in, and all out. The Rust Devils, the tribe I was joining, run a bounty hunting game. They are inside the city walls. There’s city walls built with buses, junked up cars, sheet metal, and ply wood. Outside the city is Tent City. Our camp has to be “on theme” – meaning it has to look post apocalyptic – more specifically very Mad Max-ish. The tribe has been doing this since 2012, so they have a bit of practice.

Wednesday morning starts with everyone heading out to the camp site at oh my god it’s early o’clock and starting to unload the uhaul. Then we put together the three car ports. One is the bounty office, one is the dining area, and one is the lounge. They are arranged in a U shape, along the boarders of our camp. We cover the tops with canvas and netting.Then, along the outer walls, we attached old rusted sheet metal, and wooden fence bits, to form an outer wall. The old busted limousine the tribe owns, The Mutie Beauty, was parked along the left wall, so she would be seen by anyone as soon as they entered the main gate. In the center of our camp, one of our more clever Rust Devils put together a wooden tower, which allows for a birds eye view of the whole city.

Ten minutes in to Wednesday, I am already coated in sunscreen, sweaty, and covered in dirt and sand. I didn’t have goggles, so I just wore my sunglasses. Thank GOD I had prescription sunglasses. I swapped from my normal flip flops into a super old pair of Timberland boots. A pair I almost DIDN’T BRING. I cannot express how glad I am I did. By around 6, we had the camp mostly together. Someone mentioned that we only had an hour or so of sunlight left, and I started to panic again. We hadn’t put our tents up. We were waiting on someone to come back to put their tent up first, and they weren’t back yet. Oh yeah, and at this point the ONLY food I had had was raw hot dogs. I mean, I like raw hot dogs, but after 8+ hours of physical labor, I am fucking hungry and this was NOT acceptable. So I pushed to get the tents set up. After a moment of discussion, people agreed to positions and we got it set up. By this point, I was on the brink of tears. I was tired, physically exhausted, hot, hungry, and 100% out of patience. I was snapping at people I liked and I needed to lay down away from everything for even just 10 minutes.

Ryan got our tent set up, I immediately crawled inside, laid down, dirt and all, and just let myself cry a bit to feel better. Oh did I instantly start to feel better. After about 30 minutes, I got up, grabbed a plastic cup, my bottle of rum, poured a drink and went to rest in the shade. The temperature started to drop and suddenly I had to pee. I had been drinking water all day and sweating all day, but hadn’t had to pee. It was surreal, realizing that I hadn’t had to pee because I was SWEATING it all out. Fortunately the Rust Devils pay for a private porta-potty. So at least THAT was a bonus. Around 9 pm, we finally ate – pulled pork sandwiches. I scarfed two of them down so fast, I barely even remember how they tasted. There was chatting and such, but mostly I remember heading to bed.

Thursday morning came EXCESSIVELY early. It got super bright, then it was already getting hot. I could hear people talking and making noise. I crawled out of my tent because it was too warm and I needed to pee. Getting dressed in a tent you can’t stand up in is NOT an easy task. I walked into the main part of our camp to grab an energy drink and someone, I don’t actually remember WHO, asked me to help them do something. The look I gave them can only be described as WITHERING as I grabbed the garbage can lid we had tied our porta-potty key to, and stomped off. It turns out – this was around 8:30 am.

So it turns out, I am allergic to baby wipes. Or at least the regular ones – not the “free and natural” ones I used on my kid. I was allergic to disposable diapers as a baby, so when I had my kid, I got all the super duper hippy organic stuff even though I generally don’t believe in buying organic. But I didn’t realize this until Saturday. So Thursday morning, I took a wet wipe bath, which included wiping down my face. I reapplied sunscreen and headed back to camp.

People were bustling about setting up the final touches. Dogface was trying to cook bacon, but it was so windy already, the stove wouldn’t stay hot. So – no breakfast. The event starts at noon, so I went to get my costume on, wake Minion up, and get ready for the starting time. Of course, in reality, it was more like 1. I had my camera and took pictures. Our whole camp was there and talking, joking, and having fun.

After the opening parade, we settled in to open for the day. We do bounty hunting, and how it works is – you sign up, we give you a finger, then we take your picture and make a poster of you. That poster is then stapled to a board, and OTHER people can grab your poster, then they come find you. You talk and play rochambo, then if the hunter wins, you give them the plastic finger, and they bring it back to us at the Bounty Office, and we give them caps for it. There are printed Hunter caps and a few Last Chance casino caps. Our neighbors across the street run a casino with caps – playing games like roulette, craps, and black jack. The rewards are things like – shots and such. No real money.

People start showing up. All kinds of costumes and personalities. Skimpy outfits, complete body covering outfits, vault dweller suits, punk rock looking costumes, everything. There was a woman in a wedding dress. A man wearing a loincloth and nothing else. Weapons of all kinds – bats with nails, swords, guns, scythes, etc.

I wasn’t on shift, so I sat in our camp and just watched the insanity. And it was insanity. People would walk up and hug each other, and only once they started talking did I realize – they didn’t know each other. People would walk into our camp and offer us food or alcohol. One of our tribe members pulled out his 5 gallon metal gas can, that was filled with home made rum.

As the day went on, the wind got more and more aggressive. Then the alert went out – a sandstorm was headed in, with high winds. We started securing the camp. Have you ever tried to run a generator or a printer in a sandstorm? It doesn’t work. So we shut down the bounty office and hunkered in.

They couldn’t keep the stove going, so once more, food was scarce. I discovered, thanks to a well prepared tribemate, that Lembas bread is apparently a real thing. Only it’s called Mayday. The afternoon and early evening was spent wearing a pair of over my glasses goggles and avoiding being sand blasted. Luckily for us, our camp was quite secure, and with one minor incident, we didn’t have to scramble. Other camps were not so lucky. Losing towers, having to take down their tents, and effectively being hammered by sand for a few hours.

When the wind finally died down after dark, we shook off what sand we could and settled down for a drink. After much chatting and talking with people who stopped by to visit, we headed to bed, only to discover we hadn’t covered the vent on our tent. So our tent had about an inch of sand in the whole thing.

I went to bed, tired, a bit drunk, but marginally feeling better about the trip than I had been.

Friday, once more I was woken up early, crabby, and exhausted. My face felt tight and swollen, but I assumed it was just the sun. Even though I had not gotten burned, I am still very sensitive, so it made sense. Food was functional, so breakfast sandwiches were had. I got wrangled into doing the opening shift, so I got dressed and ready pretty early.

Then came the two hours of awesomeness. We run a bounty hunting game, and use an app to take the player’s picture, then print out a poster with them as a Wanted Person. So I got to take pictures. I got to talk to all these interesting and fascinating people. Their costumes were endlessly beautiful and unique. After 2 hours, I really didn’t want to stop. I did though, because I was tired and hungry. Although I had been bribed by one gentleman, who asked me to hold his poster for a while. He gave me a shot of fireball for it. Deal!

That afternoon, I took my parasol and walked about with Minion. Minion is Ryan’s “wasteland name” and as I found out, people generally stick to them in a dedicated fashion. It’s almost like roleplaying. I wasn’t Kim anymore, I was Ember. This also lead to a very strange form of fluid hierarchy of power. Logically, I would have been low on the ladder, since I was new. But for some reason, I floated up. I am not sure if it was my extrovertedness, my nosiness, my bright feathered shoulder, or my smile. Hell, it may have just been my blunt and assertive nature. Whatever it was, people were automatically deferential and respectful to me outside of the camp. Inside, it was like being in the middle of a family with a bunch of loud siblings.

As we finished an AMAZING tri-tip dinner, we found out the band, Ahtck was about to perform, so we headed over to that. It’s weird, being at a festival where there are so few people, you can just stand in a loose crowd to watch a show. I am not a fan of heavy metal, but Ahtck is really good and as most of their songs are Wasteland themed, very appropriate. The singer started with a comment on all the Wastelanders we had lost over the year, and I have FEELINGS on that I need to write down later. The concert began and it was probably the best one I have ever gone to. It’s very different, standing to watch a show, when the person you are standing with likes to hold and touch you. Minion kept his arms around me the whole time, but loosely so I could twist and kiss him. This of course, inspired Dogface to yell “GET A ROOM. OR A TENT.” which became a joke.

After the concert, we went back to camp, hung out around our fire for a bit, then headed over to Ghoulcrest, a hunting tribe. They had a two story structure and allowed us to go up to the Members only top section. It was amazing, in the cool night air, chatting with people, and staring up at the cloudless sky. You are so far out in the desert the stars are so clear and easy to see. I could see the cloud of the milky way. Just beautiful and perfect. If I go back, I have to take a picture with it. We returned to camp, drunk and silly.

One perfect example of how the rules had changed – a man walked into our camp, walked up to me, took the lid off a jar and held it out to me. Inside was a red liquid. I looked at it, took it, then asked “What is it?” “Truck Punch!” he replied. “You know, calling it truck punch makes it sound like an alcohol fermented in the engine of your truck right?” I said. “That’s exactly what it is!” he laughed. And I took a drink. It tasted like strawberries, wine, and cream soda.

Here I also met a guy named Tauntaun. I made the obvious joke of “Well – you don’t smell THAT bad on the outside.” since it was likely he hadn’t taken a shower in 3 days at this point. He laughed and said “I will keep you warm at night!” I pointed at Minion and said “That’s his job.” The dude immediately responded in a laughing manner, nodded at me, then told Minion “You are one lucky dude.” Yes, yes he is. And I am one extremely lucky lady.

Here’s where I made a mistake. I hadn’t been drinking as much water as I needed throughout the day. It had been 76 and cool, and we had run out of coke zero. I drank too much and asked a tribemate if it was time to do the Tetanus Shots. The Tetanus Shot is the Rust Devil’s signature shot and the previous TWO days many a comment had been made about “You’re not a Rust Devil until you’ve had a Tetanus Shot.” I felt I had done my time. I was ready to stop feeling like the newbie. UNFORTUNATELY, the mats to MAKE a Tetanus shot were not present. I got upset, for some stupid reason – I think that I felt like people had made this comment, but were now preventing me from getting them to STOP and preventing me from feeling like I REALLY belonged here. I was still just a girlfriend. I ended up a bit more belligerent than normal. Lucky for me, my emotions swang to sadness fast enough I ended up storming off to bed. Minion came to talk to me, and I think I was just at my limit for the day for dealing with anything and everything. He offered to take me to a hotel, and instead I stayed and just went to sleep.

And boy did Saturday morning hurt. I woke up feeling awful. And not just hung over. I was, but that was only part of it. My eyes were practically swollen shut. My whole face was one big swollen puff ball of pain and itchiness. So I walked to the porta-potties, trying to figure it out, went to wipe my face with a wet wipe and almost screamed at the pain from it. That’s when I figured out – I am in fact allergic to regular wet wipes. OW. I headed back to camp and tried to drink some oj to help with the hangover while I thought about what to do about my face. My stomach was having none of that, so I ended up puking my oj back up into the garbage can. Lucky, it was just the oj. The Great Demander, a professional photographer who works the event, happened by and saw me, swollen face and all, and brought me some Benadryl.

Have I mentioned how *nice* everyone is at Wasteland? It’s like one big family. I mean, yeah there are assholes, but here they are clearly enjoying themselves and thus being nice. People are totally willing to barter and trade. Willing to do anything to help. Even share Benadryl.

I spent most of the morning feeling awful, but by my shift in the bounty office, I was feeling much better. The swelling had gone down and I was game for just about anything. The afternoon passed in a blur of sunscreen, good food, chatting with crazy people, taking pictures, posting bounty posters, and just hanging out. It’s also really funny to walk up to people with a bottle of water, hand it to them, then turn around and say, “Fill me up!” as they pour it into your camel pack. Note – building your costume off a camel pack base – excellent fucking idea.

Saturday night, I went easy on booze, but they finally had the stuff for tetanus shots, so I took one of those. It’s fireball, rum, a Tabasco sauce, with the rum floated on top and lit on fire. It was great, until the Tabasco went up my nose. WHEW that burns. We had dinner of ribs and ravioli which were both crazy good. I got to feeling exhausted, so we headed to bed. By this point our tent smelled like dead feet, dead farts, dead animal, and funk. This is where I discovered the problem with trying to go to bed SOBER at Wasteland. It’s SO LOUD. People are playing music, talking, etc etc until late at night. And tent walls do NOT stop it. Minion also decided to start telling me a story about seeing a Tarantula by the porta-potties. I informed him that if he EVER wanted me to come back he needed to STOP SPEAKING IMMEDIATELY.

At 4 am, I forced Minion to walk me to the porta potties, came back and took a Advil PM so I could get SOME sleep.

Of course, at the crack of fucking dawn on Sunday, here goes people talking. Including overhearing a story about a woman who was sexually assaulted, but Wasteland taking care of their business and her. It was a scary story, with the best possible ending. I got up, feeling like my entire world had shifted. I hadn’t cleaned out from under my finger nails in days. I didn’t even try to put on deodorant anymore. My hair had more sand than anything else in it. It shockingly didn’t look that bad. I really wanted a fucking shower. My definition of “dirty” was so dramatically shifted – pretty much unless it was a pile of dirt – it wasn’t too dirty to touch or even eat. My teeth crunched with every bite from the sand in my mouth.

We ate breakfast. Have I mentioned how GOOD all the food at Wasteland was? I am not sure if it was the cooking or the sheer level of hunger I built up each day. Midway through breakfast, here comes a tribe member telling us the wind is going to pick back up. We need to start breaking down now. As hard as it is putting UP a camp in the desert, that’s how hard it is taking it DOWN. In increasing wind. About an hour into breakdown, I felt like I was more in the way that helping, so I went and took down our tent, and prepped our stuff for leaving. It was around that time I noticed… I wasn’t sweating. Like at all. It was 90 degrees, noon-ish, and I wasn’t sweating a drop. I needed to rest, so I sat in the shade of a van, and drank water. The longer I sat, the worse I felt. First like I needed to vomit, even though I wasn’t hung over. Then came the chills. Did I mention it was 90 degrees, I was wearing a long sleeved athletic shirt, and pants? I should not have been cold. I felt even worse, realizing I was sitting on my ass while other people packed up the camp. I got up to help. Have you ever tried to lift something and your arms just said “Nope.”? That shit sucks.

I ended up sitting more than helping at this point. Finally, our camp doctor came over, put his hand on my head, realized I wasn’t sweating and forced me into the uhaul truck to sit in the ac. It really didn’t help.

Around 3 pm, we had nearly everything packed, and headed back to town. We had to haul out all our garbage, so we had to find dumpsters that weren’t overfull. Then we headed to the storage unit. We can’t take this shit home, so we pay to store it there. Once there, I helped by organizing and sorting things and getting it all to fit. I am super at Tetris, so this went really well. About halfway through I started sweating again, and I can’t even tell you what a relief THAT was.

Wasteland is in the desert, and it’s “bring everything in, take everything out.” So we brought alcohol, but somehow, despite drinking the whole time, we brought more alcohol home than we took. Weird.

We finally got everything packed away. The discussion started up about who was driving the uhaul back. I wasn’t on the list, I didn’t have my license, and I had been promised a shower, so fuck it, I was out. I just walked away. Minion caught up with me and we headed back to the hotel. There was the comment though of “I have to get Kim to a shower before she stabs me.” which is making some pretty large comments considering I didn’t have a weapon on me, or anything sharp at all.

We got back to the hotel, and I got in the shower. It maybe wasn’t the best shower in my life, but it was DEFINITELY in the top five. I wiped my face with the wash cloth and it instantly went a dark brown. I just kept scrubbing until it was white-ish again. I washed my hair 4 times, with two rounds of conditioner. Once out of the shower I started rubbing burt’s bees foot repair into my hands and feet, and blood orange coco-butter into my legs, hands, arms, and neck. The lotion sunk in like water into the desert sand.

We went to eat Chinese for dinner. The poor waitress couldn’t keep our water glasses full. This was goodbye. That night I slept like the dead.

The next day we headed home, discussing the trip and events. I talked about what we would do “next year”. So maybe that answers the “Am I going back?” question? *** These contingencies were – 1. Bigger tent. 2. Have our own dry food supply. Our own drink supply too. 3. Camp.SHOWER. This is of course, assuming Minion and I don’t break up. If we do, love you Rust Devils, BUT OH HELL NO. The final tally on Sunscreen bottles was 1.5. I miraculously didn’t get sunburned. I am still digging sand out of my nose and ears. I think my hair may never recover.

Was it fun? There were fun MOMENTS. I wouldn’t call 12 hours of manual labor, not showering for 5 days, constantly battling the elements, not eating properly, having to worry about what exactly electrolytes are and why you need them, and then having severe dehydration FUN. None of that was fun.

Seeing Minion happy? That was fun. Meeting all those weird people, making new friends, discussing costuming, D&D, games, WoW, Savage Worlds, Rum, and drinking until my liver cried – all very fun. Having people compliment me on my shoulder armor? Awesome. Having someone ask to buy my necklace – super cool.

The thing that most sets the ton for how my trip to the wastes was – here I was, a week later, wistfully thinking of my new friends, wishing I could see them, and wondering when I would see them again. Then taking over the Rust Devil’s twitter account and making a plan for how to grow it.

Maybe it was fun.

Game Developer Barbie

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“It’s really not that big of a deal.”

“FUCK YOU. IT’S A BIG FUCKING DEAL. It’s the BIGGEST FUCKING DEAL.”

I will admit, my response was probably not the most polite or appropriate for the situation. But I was not wrong. Mattel announced new Barbies today. And while the news of new body types (holy hell they added a curvy barbie!!!) was enough to draw me to the site, what made me gasp with joy was the Game Developer Barbie.

She’s got a computer accessory. She’s got long red hair, with headphones snugly in place. She’s wearing jeans, a t-shirt, and a light jacket. She’s got sneakers on her flat feet. She’s me. (Actually, if they made the curvy version it literally WOULD be me.)

She’s me. I’m a game developer, and this summer, I will have a Barbie doll that looks just like me, dresses just like me, and DOES MY JOB.

When I was in High School, I was one of the smartest kids in my class. They made us talk to a guidance counselor about what job we wanted so we could plan out our college path to get there. After 30 minutes of her trying to convince me to be a Doctor, Lawyer, or Teacher, I finally just said, “Look, I am gonna go to college, I will figure it out there.” I was steered away from being a writer (“You don’t want to be a starving artist do you?”) They pushed the Doctor and Lawyer hard – as expected for a poor area. But I didn’t want to do that. I wanted to do something amazing.

I went to college and my “plan” became Take as Many Classes as Possible, and Figure it Out Later. 4.5 years later, I was planning on being an English Teacher. Then I discovered the Guildhall and literally said “Wait, I can make games? They have schools for this kind of thing? I am going THERE.” And I did. But that moment struck me because no one – in all my years of playing video games, ever once said “Why don’t you try to make them?” I owned a computer, and worked on them, but never once thought – hey let’s make a game. Hell, I BUILT LEVELS for Heroes of Might and Magic and Neverwinter Nights, and never once thought, I should get paid to do this. Because no one ELSE did. Games were a “waste of time”. Always.

Barbie makes it so people WILL think about it. I remember thinking about careers like being a vet, a stewardess, a tv anchor, all because that was what Barbie did – AND I DIDN’T EVEN PLAY WITH THEM.

Further, I remember way back in 4th grade when we were asked what we wanted to be when we grow up. I said something weird and my teacher responded with “Pick something Barbie could be.” Yeah, it was a bit sexist because she didn’t say that to the boys, but her heart was in the right place trying to direct me towards real careers. I then switched to insisting I would be a mermaid, because I had an Ariel Barbie doll.

This is important. Very important for the next generation of girls. I wish I had had that vision when I was a kid. I would have been making games since I was 10.

You met me at a very weird time in my life.

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It never fails. Someone says “I cannot wait until we get a new raid… I am bored/hate this one.” This always sparks the conversation of favorite raids and most hated raids. (For the record, mine are Naxx and ICC.)

Someone always brings up ICC. You know how when you smell something distinct and suddenly you are launched backwards in time to a significant moment – that happens to me every time someone mentions ICC or when I step inside the instance.

I was raiding on the Alliance side for the first time. I was healing for my raid. I was raiding with co-workers. We worked at Sega and it was fun. We would play at night, then in the morning there would be long discussions about what we did, and what we should be doing.

During this time, we were a team of 9 players. We needed another dps, so we stopped by Dalaran, pinged trade chat, and picked up a warrior. How was I to know that the pug we just picked up would end up not only joining our guild, but so would his wife. They would become friends. Fortunately they didn’t live that far away, so we even got to hang out in real life.

Then life happened. Sega closed our studio. People went to new jobs, with weird crunch schedules. Things… drifted away. But from that point on, meeting Misstorgo, raiding ICC, downing the Lich King, and working at Sega on Iron Man 2, all of these things were intertwined in my brain.

The real oddity is… this has happened before. Black Temple and Hyjal are intertwined with working at Mind Control. Kara was when I was at TG. Since then, raiding Cataclysm was a period when I was at TfB, but not raiding with co-workers.

It is odd to realize I am in the midst of creating another connection. My TfB raid team, finishing SoO, finishing Trap Team… it’s all interconnected now. My life is a series of events blended with in game events.

When I return to these raids or talk about them, I will have that moment of nostalgia. I will have that reminder of my life from that time. I wonder if other players have similar experiences, both in WoW and in other games.

The Moment of Longing

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As always, WoWInsider has inspired me to write a blog post, discussing WoW and how entwined my life is with it.

Expansion launches are always a weird time for me. I am so incredibly excited for the new thing. I can’t wait to meet new NPCs, see new zones, conquer new raids… But… I will miss the old stuff. Even now, I go back to Dalaran, and I have this moment, right when I load in, where I feel that familiarity. The soft comfort of a place I know well and rarely see anymore.

It’s like going home.

I return to my parents town and home, and everything is hearthbreakingly familiar. So similar to how it used to be. The pond is covered in green algae. The roads are as twisty as they have always been. The cows still munch at the edge of the road, balefully watching cars, trucks, and the occasional tractor drive by. That one guy still washes his old red truck every day and waves at cars as they drive down the road.

Everything seems the same. But as I look closer, there are small differences. The Walmart has been rearranged. There is a new restaurant in the old Shoneys. A new fast food place opened up on the edge of town (but it’s not very good my mother tells me). That one friend now has 4 kids instead of 3. So and so married so and so. Those people got divorced (are we at all surprised?) But even with the changes… it’s still that same place.

The feeling that always strikes me though… I don’t fit. I don’t belong here anymore. I haven’t lived there in 10 years. I thought at first it was the time I had been gone, but even spending a more extended time there, I realized… I was different. I had changed in my time away. I grew as a person, I gained awareness of others, I learned about the world at large, far beyond the microcosm of my home town.

In a way, I feel this same emotion every time I return to old expansions. These cities, zones, quests, and raids were once my home. But I have grown up. I have changed and seen bigger bosses, and bigger trials. I have explored more interesting zones. My old haunts, while still beautiful and wonderful in many ways… they are a place a visit. I don’t live here anymore. This is not my home.

I move forward to something new and exciting, and yet… I will do many of the same things. I will make new friends, and old ones will drift away. A new expansion is still just that, an expansion of the journey we have been on. The adage says – the more things change the more they stay the same.

Oh Pandaria – I loved you. Thank you for being my home for two years. A source of joy and comfort, a balm for my sadness and heartbreak. I will move forward, but you will stay behind. I will return on occasion – to visit, finish achievements, perhaps even to farm up a piece of gear… but it won’t be the same. I have outgrown you, and while that is sad, it is for the best. Let us enjoy this one last hurrah and see Garrosh fall a few more times. (Also give me an heirloom.)

Gelatinous Cube Shots

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In our weekly D&D group, we have a paladin dwarf. I granted him the ability to turn water into holy ale/beer as a silly ability that just adds to the flavor of the game. Very early in the game, he used this ability to turn a pool of water into holy ale and then the group dropped an evil skeleton into it. Of course, because I reward players doing wacky things, I let it do damage to the skeleton, who then rolled TWO consecutive 1s on the dice to climb out of the pool.

They still tell this story, almost a year later.

Now, due to work pressure, our group is filled with tired, overworked game devs who are literally giving up their only free time in a week to play D&D. So I have been far more lenient and letting them do all kinds of crazy and silly things with their characters and during battle.

This lead to a night fighting mobs of troglodytes and three gelatinous cubes.

After much battle, Davkul, the dwarven paladin is facing off against the Gelatinous Cube. A statement gets made that they are “mostly” water right?

Can you guess what he did next?

So now, my group of fearless adventurers are standing about a gelatinous ale cube. Sid, the drow rogue, made a joke to the effect of “Gelatinous Cube Shots!” and of course, this meant Davkul wanted to DRINK it. I had him make an endurance check – and he nailed it. It was over 35. Fine. Okay. You guys just DRANK a gelatinous cube. EW.

This lead me to Google and checking to see how one would go about making Gelatinous Cube shots. My search returned nothing. Surely not. SURELY someone has had this idea right?

Well here’s how to make Gelatinous Cube Shots for your Dungeons and Dragons drinking nights!

Ingredients:

2 Boxes of Jello mix – whatever flavor.

1 cup Vodka.

1.5 Cups Boiling Water.

1 Cap of Wilton’s Skeleton Bones Sprinkles.

 

I picked Lime and Berry Jello, so it would be blue and green cubes. I also made the Lime with Vodka and the Berry with Rum.

Put the two boxes of jello into a bowl. Boil the 1.5 cups of water. Add the boiling water to the jello and stir for 2-3 minutes. Once it’s good and mixed, add the room temp1 cup alcohol. Stir some more. Pour into a small glass pan, and refrigerate over night. When ready to cut, set the glass pan in warm water for about 5-10 minutes, until it starts to separate from the glass pan, then cut the cubes and remove.

Now – about those sprinkle bones. I got them because it’s just not really a gelatinous cube without some adventurer bits in it. I added mine about 30 minutes after putting the jello in the fridge, which was clearly too soon, as they all sank to the bottom. I imagine about an hour would be right, though it might mean having to poke the bones down a bit. Also, it’s possible to make two batches and let the first batch set, then pour the bones in, then add another layer with the second batch – but that would mean doubling the recipe and a much bigger pan. The sprinkles didn’t melt when added to the jello, but when we cut the cubes, they did start to disintegrate and ooze. Honestly, it made it better.

DSC_0002 DSC_0003 DSC_0004 DSC_0006photo 1 photo 21619115_10152098175185876_3484592911143001907_nThe sprinkles and rum!

 

 

 

 

The Jello!

 

 

 

First set, blue!

 

 

 

 

Second set, Green!

 

 

 

 

Two trays of green and blue shots!

 

 

 

 

See the bones!

 

 

 

 

Up close cube!

 

 

 

 

 

I should also warn you, these pack a bit of a punch and are deceptively tasty. Nom with care.