Latest Entries »

Minecraft 1.8. I couldn’t wait. Villages, abandoned mines, Endermen… oh, my!

Until Notch broke my world. Okay, to be fair, he didn’t break the world. But when I would go an investigate a new area, new chunks would spawn and there were “issues” due to the fact they Mojang changed the way the world was created. Like my ocean dropping down one block in the middle of no where.

I tried to keep playing. I really did. I persisted for about a week. Then gave up and started a new world, which I played for about a week.

I realized that Minecraft would be releasing in November and this mean that I only had 2 months with this new world before they likely broke it again. So I just stopped playing Minecraft until then. It seems wrong to stop playing a game I enjoy simply because I know the world is going to be broken.

 

This really brings up a larger issue with games, persistent and otherwise, and the way some designers approach them. My main complaint is this:

I spent time and money playing your game. Respect my investment, or I won’t be returning.

I love Minecraft, but I won’t be giving Mojang another dime. I won’t be buying their new games. They don’t respect the player’s time invested into their creations.

Is it an easy fix to make the world add new things in already discovered and explored areas of the game? No, it’s not. But it is respectful of the player. I spent at least 2 months building my obsidian palace and digging my huge quarry. Respect the work I did and do not screw up my save file because you want the ocean to be one block lower.

In World of Warcraft, for the most part, when I do or earn something, it’s done. I get to keep it. And for the most part, Blizzard does a great job of respecting the player’s time. You spend enough time and you can get anything. They have messed this up on occasion (Keymaster, the Darkmoon Faire turn in achievement, removal of old quests and rewards) but for the most part, this seems to be a design goal they meet.

This is perhaps one of my greatest gripes with Jolt’s games like Legends of Zork (now gone) is that they were wildly disrespectful of the player. Your time and money meant nothing and they were completely willing to wipe it off the game’s database.

As a game designer, when dealing with games that will be updated, or patched, always stop and consider each change from the point of view of the player. Does it make their achievement worthless? Does it make time they invested worthless? Does it “roll back” things they have earned? If you ever answer yes, stop. Think. Is there a better way? There probably is. That is what game design is all about, finding the best way to do something.

 

I am playing Minecraft again, but I will admit, I found a bug that lets me dupe items. And by god, I have been using it like mad. I no longer care about doing things “legit”. What’s the point? Mojang is just going to screw them up anyway.

Richard Dansky wrote a post on responses to reading bad books. It made me think about all the bad books I have come across recently.

Ironically, most of them have been recommended to me by friends or people I respect. And yet the books turns out to be abysmally bad. Like not Twilight bad, but close. The truly sad thing is, when I express my dislike of the books, I am met with blank stares and people who point to the books being on best selling lists. Yeah, well… so was Twilight.

I got through all of Richard’s stages every time I read a bad book.

1. Resignation:

To be fair, I do this much less than I used to. I am much more willing to bail on a bad book, movie, or game now than I used to be. I never had the sunk cost fallacy issue. To me, it was much more of the “hope springs eternal” thought. Surely the book would get better. Surely the writer would redeem the story.

Now, if I am 100 pages in and I still hate all your characters, I am going to bail. Sorry.

Notable exception: Karen Miller and the Godspeaker Trilogy. I persisted through the book, not because of the plot, characters, or even the world, but rather because of the glorious construction of the words.

He was right, I did grow out of this.

2. Indignation:

I do this quite frequently. I get mad that such unimaginative crap has been published, I sit down and write on my own work to “cleanse” the taste from my mouth. Also, I tend to go back and re-read stuff I know is good. Every poorly written fantasy novel has me crawling back to Robert Jordan. Every terrible love story has me slipping back to Julia Quinn. Every idiotic children’s series sends me right back to the Dark is Rising.

The funny thing is, I don’t do this just on books. Blogs trigger this response as well, as do video games. Video games are perhaps the worst, because I know I could do better than that stupid designer, but that company won’t hire me. Likely because I call their designers stupid.

3. Rage:

I love what he says : “they could have spent doing literally anything else is enough to bring out a Hulk-like rage, often punctuated by the book in question going airborne. While counterproductive, it’s quite cathartic.”

Oh but how un-Hulk like his response. Throwing the book? Haha. Amateur. I devise horrible ways to destroy said books. My favorite being the football spike into the Recycle Bin. See that? You words mean as much to me as the phone book and junk mail. I had a Calculus book go up in flames once. I used a terrible romance to practice my book hollowing technique.

I hate destroying books, so when an author has managed to get me to this level of rage, they are quite exceptional with their badness.

4. Peace:

I will never achieve peace. Because even if I recognize a book as able to stand on merits other people appreciate (I am looking at you Game of Thrones) their existence bothers me. How can people who seem reasonable, intelligent, and interesting like something so … illogical, stupid, and boring? I have been known to throw books away rather than give them to people I know would want them, simply because I don’t want them coming back in 3 months trying to get me to give it a second chance.

 

He says he hasn’t migrated to electronic books because of the worry of slinging said electronic, and while I have to agree with his point, in practice, I find disposal of ebooks much easier than paper books. A mediocre ebook can be tossed into the “Probably never gonna read again” category and ignored, never taking up precious apartment space or needing to be carried to Goodwill. A truly terrible ebook can be deleted. While not as cathartic as chucking it, or spiking it, at the very least, it’s a moment of “Let’s just pretend I never bought and downloaded you.”

 

So what is it about a book that makes it bad to me?

1. I hate the characters.

I need at least one likable character. One character I care what happens to. And that character, can’t be treated like crap the entire story. I first encountered this with the Dragonlance books. I loved the trilogy I read, then in the fourth book, they kill off all the characters I liked, leaving the one character I hated. I never read another one, and even more telling, I never read the trilogy again.

The Magicians was one such book. There were no characters of redeeming value. They were all spoiled rotten little twits that just annoyed the crap out of me. When I decided to stop reading I actually had a moment where I stopped to imagine a nuke going off in their little school. Any time I think a book is improved by a total board wipe, it’s time to stop reading.

2. It’s the Hero’s Journey.

Prophecy, long lost child who is actually the rightful ruler, two comedic sidekicks, scoundrel, mother/maiden/crone… oh god spare me. I really want to send these authors a copy of Mistborn and say, “Hey, take a minute and read about what you can do without resorting to crap we’ve heard so much we know exactly how the story is gonna end by the end of the first chapter.”

3. Wildly long tangents that have nothing to do with the story.

Tom Bombadil, die in a fire.

If a writer does this, he had better wait until book 4+ so I am invested. Or even better, make it suddenly wildly important later, we just didn’t know it at the time. Don’t waste my time.

4. Mary Sue/Self insertion fan fic.

Okay, this is Twilight, but the worst thing is, I see it everywhere now. People aren’t trying to create interesting stories. They are just writing out their fantasies. Of my 4 works I have written a great deal on, NONE are places I would want to live. None are situations I would want to be in. I could write a book about sitting around playing WoW all day, but god, who would want to read it?

5. I don’t trust the main character, any of their friends, and honestly, I don’t think they are right.

Trudi Canavan… How you managed to make a book full of what are supposed to be the good and awesome protectors of the world all seem like bad guys… beats me. Here’s the thing though, I am not a fan of bad guys. I like the good guys. or at the very least bad guys who are forced to be good guys.

This is the same problem I had with the rebellion in Hunger Games. Nothing they did proved they were any better than the Capitol. They were cut from the same cloth. Wonderfully, Katniss sees through this and reacts in an exactly appropriate manner.

6. They take themselves too seriously.

This is perhaps my favorite thing about Let’s Pretend This Never Happened. She never takes herself seriously. She never takes her writing seriously. And it makes it that much funnier. Some non-fiction writers just don’t get this. They think being published requires gravitas. It doesn’t.

7. The author makes no attempt to be logical or consistent.

The Spiderwick Chronicles really set me off with this one. Huge plot holes, shifting truths, and complete changes to what characters believe, without any explanation or attempts at explanation. She didn’t even say the “a wizard did it” line to try and smooth it over.

Bleh.

 

There are so many more, but these are the big ones. And they aren’t universal. There can be exceptions, but for the most part, I really feel like some writers are just angry at their readers and want to punish them.

I have had this argument so many times on the internet in the last month, I felt I needed somewhere to compile all of my thoughts and arguments against the idiotic masses.

The idiotic masses look at Hunger Games and say: “I liked it better when it was called Battle Royale. What a ripoff.”

I look at them and say: “Clearly you have never read the Hunger Games or you wouldn’t be making such a comment.”

To sum up the truth of what is being said, it’s like saying that Star Wars is a ripoff of Star Trek because they both take place on ships in space.

So let’s begin shall we? Standard spoiler alert here.

Point 1: Suzanne Collins never read Battle Royale. You can take this as truth if you want, but honestly there is no way to prove it one way or the other. She says she didn’t. However, it is a point in her favor that many many people have never heard of Battle Royale. It wasn’t released in the US. If she isn’t a fan of Japanese anime and writings, she wouldn’t have had a chance to be exposed to it.

Point 2: She has a completely believable story of where she came up with the initial idea. Flipping back and forth between channels and seeing reality tv and soldiers in Iraq. Add to this her father’s experiences in Vietnam and her own love of Roman and Greek history and mythology and you have all the components required to make Hunger Games.

Point 3: There is prior art before Battle Royale that sets up the idea as well. Running Man, Lord of the Flies, even back to the Roman gladiatorial games.

Point 4: The Roman Connection: even before really thinking about it, I remember being surprised at the very Latin names giving to characters. Cinna, Seneca, Cato, and dozens of others. I know enough Roman history to recognize the names. I was surprised to say the least. After reading the second and third books, I was convinced that the true basis for the idea was the Gladiatorial games and the myth of Theseus and the Minotaur where 7 men and 7 women, even called Tributes, are drawn by lots, and sent to die to the Minotaur every year. There is a parade of chariots. The entire world watches the arena, as the entire world watched the gladiators. We find out in book 2 that Finnick was “sold to stud” much as the Roman gladiators were. Battle Royale is very Japanese. It doesn’t have a single Roman connection or reference.

Point 5: The pageantry. Oh and was there pageantry. The costumes, the stylists, the interviews, the dresses, everything has been turned into something for the audience to revel in. There is tradition and ritual in everything. This all ties into the sponsors and earning the assistance of outsiders in the arena. Unlike Hunger Games, Battle Royale has their competitors chosen in a very sneaky and sudden way. They aren’t trained, interviewed, paraded, or even televised. They are simply taken. This really shows the reality show influence Collins used in telling her tale.

Point 6: Yes, they are both stories about kids, but the relationships are different. Imagine, for whatever reason, you had to push a button, knowing, a 1000 miles away, it would kill someone. But if you didn’t push that button, instead your whole family would be killed. How hard, really, would it be to push that button? Hard, yes, but not as hard as say, if instead it were, you have to push that button and kill a friend, your close friend, who has spent years at your side, to save your family? That defines the largest difference between the children in Battle Royale and the tributes in Hunger Games. The tributes do not know one another. Katniss feels little pain when many of the tributes die in the initial bloodbath. Why should she? She’s never met them. They mean nothing when compared to Prim. The chances of even having a person chosen in your own district you didn’t know was likely. The kids in Battle Royale are a single class. They have been together all year. They are close, with rivalries, friendships, relationships. It’s a very different sort of combat. This is why Katniss doesn’t want to make friends. She doesn’t want to be friendly with Peeta. She knows that will make it harder to kill them later.

Point 7: Collins works very hard to make all of her characters connectible on some level. Even Cato and the other careers, we come to learn they are simply indoctrinated into the belief that they are fighting for glory and honor for their district. We find sympathetic ways of viewing them all. In Battle Royale, most of the characters just go immediately crazed. It is like they all received a high dose of PCP and were let loose on each other.

Point 8: Books 2 and 3. Battle Royale was a single book. It dealt with the one event, the one group of people, and ended in much the same way as Hunger Games, right after the victors managed to make it out alive (which isn’t a ripoff but rather the logical ending point to such a charged story). But Catching Fire and Mockingjay are where the story really comes to deeper waters. It shows that each part of this world was designed for a purpose. Collins thought it out. There is also the fallout from the events that happen inside the arenas. Collins knew the effect war had on people and wrote it into her book. We never see the fallout in Battle Royale. In Hunger Games we literally have two books that are steeped in the emotional baggage Katniss has built up and carries with her from the first games. The nightmares, the flashbacks, the reaction to being told she has to go back in, even Katniss’ realization that she could never be with Gale, even if she were free to, because the arena changed her, and she just can’t be with someone who doesn’t understand the deep effect it had on her psyche.

 

One thing creative people have to accept is that there are going to be similar stories told. These things are deeply wove into our culture and resonate with many people, thus many people are going to tell these stories. The Hero’s Journey and the Mono-myth exist for a reason. This is nothing new. Clearly the idea that reality tv and the very televised glorification of violence and war in Iraq could lead to people fearing this kind of event and possible horror. Taking the time to read both clearly shows that while both have a similar idea that saying Hunger Games is a ripoff is a very narrow and absurd conclusion to reach.

As always, in preparation for the release of the Hunger Games movie, I took a weekend to read the books. The Hunger Games, Catching Fire, and Mockingjay, by Suzanne Collins follow the experiences of a young woman, Katniss Everdeen, in a post-apocalyptic North America. She starts at 16, and by the end of the last book is 17-18. Although, true to epilogue format, she is much older in the epilogue.

 

Okay, Spoiler Alert.

 

All gone?

 

I cannot begin to express how enraptured I was by Hunger Games. I haven’t been this stoked about a new series book since I read Mistborn. First and foremost, Mrs. Collins is an exceptional writer, grabbing the reader by the nose, dragging them through horror after horror and moment after moment, only to drop them at the end of the book, overwhelmed, excited, exhausted, entertained, and sated with the story. I remember thinking when I closed the book (after reading it in a single sitting) “Man, this woman KNOWS how to pace a story.” Moments of rest, perfectly balanced with moments of excitement, horror, nostalgia, emotion, and even humor, all in what should have been a rigid framework of a story, but she manages to slip it all in, unnoticed.

After doing a bit a research, I find Mrs. Collins has been a writer for children’s cartoons on TV, which explains her exceptional pacing skills that she uses to such great effect.

I had seen the trailers for the movie prior to reading the book, so I was a bit biased in the character looks and the central moment of the Reaping. Oh and what a moment it was. Seeing the event on screen brought tears to my eyes. Reading it sent them running in streams down my face. Katniss is in no way the typical teenage girl. Her thoughts and personality have been shaped by the world she lives in.

She seemed very cold, even in the book. Not mean, or bitchy, but cold. She has emotional walls that made Fort Knox look insecure. As we are introduced to this character we slowly discover all the reasons she has built these walls. Her father is gone, dead in a mine accident, her mother is known for withdrawal, and the world she lives in presents a very real, very immediate possibility for starvation. The reader picks up very quickly that Katniss relies on no one but herself. She protects and cares for Primrose. her sister, which seems to be her purpose in life. (It is.) And merely accepts Gale as a friend because he is useful to her. He is let inside the walls, simply because she knows he has many of the same scars and qualities that make her what she is.

Let me take a moment to point out my very favorite thing that separates Katniss from all other young woman role models. She in no way, shape, or form wants a boyfriend, husband, or marriage. What a relief to have a heroine that strongly WANTS to avoid these institutions. She has her reasons, she doesn’t ever want to have a child who might be Reaped. She lives in terror of Prim being Reaped. One of my biggest complaints for the movie was they made Prim much more fearful than she seemed in the book. In the book, she was, if not unconcerned, but ambivalent and accepting of the fact she might be Reaped. I think, this was Mrs. Collins’ way of showing us that even Prim knew Katniss would never allow her to go to the arena. Katniss lives for one thing, to protect Prim. I also like that even though Gale is the one who talks of running away, Katniss already has a plan to “rebel” against the Capital. She isn’t going to play their game, simply by not having children. If she doesn’t have kids, she doesn’t ever have to play their Hunger Games.

Prim’s name is called at the Reaping and Katniss’ only thought is, she can’t let her go. Here is the first time we see Katniss trust someone else. She trusts Gale to care for her sister once she is gone. She knows her mother will likely fall apart again. She knows that Gale will take care of Prim. (Though how she knows Gale isn’t going to be picked at that point is beyond me.) When Peeta is Reaped, Katniss’ first thought isn’t relief that it wasn’t Gale, but rather dismay. She feels she owes Peeta something for the burned bread he gave her years ago, that prevented her starvation. She worries that this feeling will impede her ability to win.

As with all of the characters in Hunger Games, Katniss is completely indoctrinated into the belief that she can’t fight the Capital. Her only way to come out alive, which she doesn’t believe she can do, is to the play their game. Although, her mentality is very much a “I am gonna try, but I don’t expect to win.” She begins to shed the things that she would have held dear. Her mother’s dress, the Mockingjay pin, even her friendship with Gale. She has no use for them now. This is the tempering of her spirit, to deal with the horrors of the arena.

Peeta makes overtures, but even at this point, she sees him as a weakness. Being friends will only make it harder. So her walls are in full effect. What a wonderful character. She doesn’t fall apart. She doesn’t become melancholy. She becomes blindingly focused on one thing. Surviving the arena. The rewards of food for her and her family.

As the story progresses, she falls into the role she believes will make her most likely to win. She trusts Haymitch only as far as she needs his help to get sponsors and win. She trusts Cinna, in that she knows his efforts have already helped her and Peeta become noticed, increasing the chances that one of them will win. She even has a moment, where she thinks that if Peeta wins, at least Prim will benefit. It’s all about Prim.

During their training she receives the first hit to her wall. Rue. A kindred spirit of Prim. Katniss’ thought is already one of “How am I to deal with her? I can’t. Better hope the careers do it.” She goes along with the act of “liking Peeta” because she completely understands that she must play the game, completely, both in and out of the arena to win.

Once in the arena she immediately sheds all other thoughts and completely relies on herself. Even when she is about to die of dehydration and calls out to Haymitch, she doesn’t expect him to help her. She expects to have to stand on her own. No heroes to rescue this princess. Does she get angry and depressed? Does she give up? Not a bit. On the heels of asking for help, knowing he isn’t going to, she thinks, he wouldn’t withhold help unless he knew I could do it on my own. Her strength wells up once more, and she fights to survive.

During all of this, she believes Peeta has turned against her. He has joined the careers and is helping them find her. Any normal person would have been angry, hurt, and understandably ragey about such a turn of events. What does she do? She plays the game. She plays like nothing is wrong. Here is the first time I really see the overlap between her two realities. In one, she is frightened, worried, anxious, and knows that horrible things are happening. She knows she isn’t going to make it out alive. She has no one to trust and no one to lean on. The second, she is cool, collected, and in on a secret even the Capital can’t fathom. She knows she will win. There is the old adage that if you wear a mask long enough, it stops being a mask and becomes your true self. Katniss is already using the mask, and has been using it with Prim all these years. She puts up a brave front. So adapting it to protect herself in the arena is a logical step.

This is one of the most fascinating things of this character. Her ability to take two completely incompatible viewpoints and ignore one over another because the one allows her to succeed. It allows her to switch from being uncaring about Peeta to playing the star crossed lover. She does what she must to survive, not what she truly feels. Every moment she spends with Peeta only re-enforces the truth that she doesn’t love him, but she will believe herself in love if that’s what it takes to get sponsor assistance and win the games.

When she loses Rue, she doesn’t respond by falling apart, or being consumed by sadness, despite her deep feeling about the event. In her mind, Rue and Primrose are the same, and so she give Rue a true send off. She acts with compassion and love, despite knowing Rue was in direct competition with her. At this moment she shows the truly fractured and conflicted person she is. She is so very human, and so very conflicted and interesting.

I think it is the loss of Rue that makes Katniss realize fully, that even if she comes out alive, she won’t really be a victor. She understands Haymitch in a way she couldn’t before. She knows she has been changed, affected by the violence in the arena. She only has one goal, to get her and Peeta out alive. Primrose, for the first time, takes a backseat to her own survival. But even now, she is in the protector role. A role generally reserved for men. She protects Peeta, at the risk of her own life, for no reason other than she wants to repay the gift he gave her so many years before.

At the end of the Games, Katniss is presented with a choice. Peeta or Primrose. Only one victor can survive. It’s as simple as letting Peeta win, or taking the victory by killing him. Instead, Katniss comes up with a Romeo and Juliet plan. Her reasoning isn’t to defeat the Capital, outsmart the game masters, or even to win the games, but simply that she knows if she kills Peeta, who she has protected and saved just as much as she has Prim, she will never leave the arena. She will forever be trapped there in her mind. Both of them have to go home, or neither will.

Victory is bittersweet. Katniss is deeply scarred by the events she has lived. She has PTSD. She is terrified of losing Peeta. At this point, I think she has fallen into a sort of love with him. She has played the game too well, she has worn the mask too long. BUT regardless of this, she is unmoved in her convictions. She will go home. She will live in the victors village with her mother and Prim, and she will grow old, without ever marrying or having children. Despite her growing care for Peeta, it is not romantic in nature on her end. Or if it is, it’s not enough to bring her off the path she has set on. Katniss doesn’t change because of her time with Peeta, she changes because of her time in the arena and later her experiences with the rebellion.

At no point in the story does she rely on another character for strength. At no point does she allow herself to be protected or hides behind a stronger male. She sets a goal and goes for it with a single minded intensity. She thinks critically and reasons through her actions, even when in stressful situations. She retains her emotions and passions, but without becoming the stereotypical “bundle of illogical emotions” most men portray women as.

These same themes continue through out the second two books. She remains strong. She makes efforts to protect the people she has come to care for, Peeta, Haymitch, even Cinna and her prep team. She doesn’t allow herself to be swayed, by either side, or by the people closest to her. She still has emotional moments, she still clings to her strength, and she sticks to her decisions to never have children that might be a part of the Capitol’s sick game.

Finally, for once, we have a female heroine, worthy of the title. Worthy of the regard. Someone who relies on her own strength, rescues herself and others, and is able to be compassionate and passionate without turning into a sex pot, damsel in distress, or an extension of the men in her life.

It was bound to happen eventually. This blog has always been a space for me to talk, rant, and discuss various issues and thoughts I have. Well, at 12 weeks, I am now, quite pregnant, and likely to stay that way for another 6 months. So now, expect the occasional pregnancy, then child post. Apologies. Feel free to unsubscribe.

Now, on to my topic. What is okay and NOT OKAY to say to a Pregnant Woman. Apparently, the minute a woman becomes pregnant, it stops people’s ability to speak with common courtesy.

1. You are huge!

Variations: You look ready to pop! Are you sure you aren’t having twins? Taking this whole eating for two thing seriously, aren’t you? Be careful you don’t get fat.

Seriously. There is a pregnant WOMAN in front of you, with raging hormones, and you just implied she was fat. And not good fat, but beach ball fat. Seriously. If she slapped you, not a jury in the world would convict her of assault.

What you can say: You look great! What a beautiful glow you have! (Any other total BS line about how we somehow manage to look awesome, despite being wildly uncomfortable.)

2. I hope you don’t have a miscarriage.

Variations: Any scary pregnancy story. Especially about the birth or possible complications to the baby.

Holy beejesus. Do you tell someone going into heart surgery, “Man, I hope they can get your heart beating again!” NO. WTF. I don’t want to hear your extremely creepy and shockingly gruesome story about what happened to your friend’s sister’s college roommate. I don’t want to hear it, anymore than I want to watch a movie or read a book about it. Keep that story to yourself. Thanks.

Pregnant women are already terrified from things their doctors are telling them might happen. They don’t need your slasher flick anecdotal story.

What can say: I will be praying for everything to go smoothly. Everything’s going to be fine. (These should only be used if somehow fears about the birth come up in conversation, just before immediately changing the conversation to something about ice cream or super cute little baby clothes.)

3. Better enjoy your time now!

Variations: You won’t have time for x. You are going to have your hands full! Get ready for getting up every 2 hours!

Everyone is different. Say it with me. Everyone is different. I actually had someone tell me, “You won’t have time for video games after the baby is born.” I am a game designer. Games is how I am *paying* for the baby. Of all the things I will not be allowing to drop off my list, it’s playing video games. I managed to figure out how to play video games while going to the gym, I assure you, I can figure out how to play them while having an infant.

Also, every kid is different. I love people who tell me that my kid is going to be up every 2 hours. Really? Clairvoyant, or are you a full on psychic now? I get that YOUR kid is like that, but everyone is different. My mother insists I was sleeping through the night before I was a month old. I have friends with kids who sleep all the time, even to the point they have to wake them up to feed them. We can discuss this *after* my kid shows up and we see how he is going to be. (Though with as much as I sleep, if he takes after me, we’re going to be nap buddies easy.)

What you can say: Kids are awesome and totally worth it.

4. Oh a boy/girl? Well that’s a bummer. Now you can’t do x.

Variations: But you already have a boy/girl, don’t you want one of each? A boy/girl is easier/harder. I am gonna buy pink/blue clothes! Anything negative about the gender.

Gender is far too much of a focus when it comes to being pregnant. 90% of the time the second question after “When are you due?” is “Do you know what it is yet?” The really annoying thing is, it appears there is NO RIGHT ANSWER. WTH people?!? It’s likely a boy, I am cool with that, my husband is thrilled with that, and we are still doing everything in green. But people seem to always have a negative response no matter what I say.

Kids can be easier or harder based on so many factors, sex isn’t even really important. Also, quit giving me dirty looks when I say I don’t really care if it is a boy or girl. I don’t. I am happy I can *have* kids without medical assistance. Also, it’s my first, so since I really want one of each, at this point it can be whatever and I am halfway there. Then when people ask why I want one of each and I say I want the full experience. Because they are different. But does that mean I shouldn’t be happy with this child because it’s got a penis/vagina? Not a chance! It’s still mine, it’s still cute, and I am still going to look forward to it every minute of my pregnancy.

What you can say: Oh he/she’s going to be so cute! Anything positive that doesn’t force gender roles. (No sports, no job suggestions, no blue/pink.)

5. I hope it doesn’t get your <insert feature>.

Variations: Nope, pretty much that one.

I have red hair. I love my red hair. People who say (and I quote) “I hope it’s a carrot!” I could just hug, snuggle, and cry for joy all over. To the person I almost punched because they just blurted out “Well, I hope it looks like your husband.” I am going to kill you. With a dull knife. Slowly. Not only did just insult me, but probably insulted my child. And this is why we aren’t going to be friends anymore.

What you can say: I hope it gets x feature, that would be so cute. (Always frame it as both possible features are fine, but this one is just more adorable.)

6. Is it your husband’s?

Variation: Was it planned? Did you use fertilization drugs? You need better birth control. Are you planning on keeping it?

Holy cow people. Would you ever walk up to someone on the street and say, “Are you having an affair?” Not a chance! so don’t ask it of a pregnant woman. Give her the opportunity to volunteer this information, but don’t ask it, unless you are best friends since birth, or since you were in high school and had a lasagna dropped on you by your pregnant friend’s mother.

None of the answers to the questions are any of your business.

What you can say: How excited are you? (It’s a nice neutral question that allows them to either be excited all over you, lie and be mildly excited, or completely unload all that dirty gossip you were hoping for.)

*As a note, when I first called the OB/GYN to make the appointment, I told the nurse I had tested positive on 3 home pregnancy tests. Her question “Is this a good thing?” When I responded in the affirmative, she knew how to approach the conversation. One can generally assume though when you are told, “OMG! GUESS WHAT?!? I’M PREGGERS!” Someone is fairly excited about it.

7. Let me touch your belly!

Variations: Anything that invades a pregnant woman’s personal space, like can I see your belly, can I see your belly button, etc.

I don’t like strange people touching me in *normal* circumstances. But now, I am bloated, uncomfortable, and carrying a person. I don’t feel friendly or happy, I am tired and cranky. No I don’t want you rubbing your germy hands on me. Shoo.

Oh but if I say that, I am the bad guy.

What you can say: Nothing. If you are a person who can touch the belly, you will know.

8. I never got sick! I was sick the whole time!

Variations: I got/didn’t get stretch marks. I only gained x lbs. I wore my skinny jeans home from the hospital. Other pregnancy stuff.

Okay this one kind of varies and wavers a bit. It’s always a good idea to sound out the person you are talking to. Has the person been suffering the morning sickness from hell the whole time? Oh you did too? Then it’s okay. You are bonding over shared suffering.

I also hate it when people ask me how my morning sickness has been. They look expectant, like I should be puking on them instead of answering. I hate having to smile politely and say “I’ve been a bit nauseated but I haven’t actually been sick.” They look bewildered. Like I don’t love my baby because I haven’t been puking my guts out. Or they get mad at me. Hey, it’s not my fault my stomach is more hardcore than yours, don’t get mad at me, you asked the question.

Unless it’s shared misery or shared elation at non-misery, let’s not share.

What you can say: It’ll all be over soon! I hope you are feeling great!

9. Are you having a hospital birth or home birth?

Variations: Drugs or not, breast feeding or not, vaccinations etc etc.

Okay, fair enough, you *can* ask this. Just accept that this is the choice I have made, with my doctor. It’s not your choice. I am going to do it my way.

As an addition, saying “Women had babies for thousands of years at home!” Well, yes. And the survival rate for both mother and child was shockingly abysmal. So no, thanks, I will be taking every advantage of medical science I am offered. You can do it your way, I will do it mine. You are not allowed to judge me.

Just because something was done a certain way for a long time, doesn’t mean it’s the best. It doesn’t mean it’s the best for me either. I am allowed to my opinions and decisions. Please don’t try to convince me otherwise, that’s my doctor’s job.

What you can say: Again, I hope everything goes smoothly. Your little one will be here soon!

10. What’s it’s name?

Variations: None really, just asking if we have a name.

I am going to share the name I want with people I want to know. Also, here’s the thing. That name, it might change. Also, as much as I don’t want your opinions on parenting, I really don’t want them on the name. It already took a great deal of effort for me and my husband to decide on a name, I don’t want to have to deal with you giving your input.

Add to this people who go “OH NO! You can’t use that name! I WAS GONNA USE THAT NAME.”  Oh really? OH WELL SUCKER, I got there first.

What you can say: Nothing really. If they want you to know it’s name, they will tell you.

11. You shouldn’t be eating that.

Variations: You shouldn’t be doing x.

Are you my doctor? No? Then shut it. I’m the one who is pregnant. I am the one who has exhaustively read websites, books, and pamphlets. I know what I am doing.

I had someone tell me I shouldn’t be eating sushi, with a harsh disapproving glare. First off lady, it’s a California roll, not raw fish. Which is what a doctor means when they say not to eat sushi. Second, the other part of that being that one should avoid large amounts of mercury when pregnant again doesn’t apply here. The mercury content of crab (or imitation crab) is not very high (fatty tuna is the really bad one) BUT even if it WERE the bad kind of fish you can STILL EAT UP TO 8 OZ A WEEK. Oh you missed that part did you?

The reverse of this is also true. I am not drinking alcohol. Since I have been pregnant I had had a grand total of 3 sips of wine. And I do mean sips, not even full drinks. Because I wanted to know what it tastes like. (Also to make a note for when I am *not* pregnant to try it again.) I don’t miss alcohol for the most part, unless I am sitting around with a bunch of people drinking beer while I am going with root beer or cream soda. I don’t mind. So don’t tell me, Mr. Armchair doctor, that drinking alcohol while pregnant is FINE. There is a thing called Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. There is a direct link shown between drinking while pregnant and the appearance of FAS symptoms. Drinking more and more often increases the chances of FAS and FAS effects by a MEASURABLE amount. More alcohol, more often leads to a greater chance of this birth defect.

But the point is, they can’t do experiments on pregnant women. They can’t say exactly why it is that some women can drink a glass of wine everyday while pregnant and have a child without FAS, and why another can drink 6 beers once and give birth to a child with FAS. The really important part of this though, is one simple fact: FAS CAN BE PREVENTED. FAS does not appear in children whose mothers did not drink. It’s that simple. So Mr. Armchair doctor, when you get pregnant, you can drink all you want. But this is my baby, and if not drinking for 8 and a half months means I have one less thing to worry about, hand me my root beer. I don’t care if doctors in France, Italy, and Germany tell their patients it is fine. I do care that many doctors agree that since they can’t be sure what is fine, it’s better not to. Sounds completely sensible to me.

What you can say: Nothing. (Of course, this assumes the person you are talking to is reasonably intelligent. But even so, tread carefully.)

 

So there you are. A list of things not to say to a pregnant lady. Also, it is worth noting, don’t ask any questions unless you want an answer. There are some fairly gruesome things people have found out by asking me questions and I don’t sugar coat or get all euphemistic on them. If you are going to ask, you are going to get an answer.

 

Edit: Originally started in Jan 2012, not finished until March 2012. I got busy.

I got a shiny new KitchenAid mixer. It’s the bright red one. I decided I wanted to make tons and tons of breads and such with it. But I needed a plan. Which breads? How often? How would I discover new recipes? Then later that night in the middle of the raid, it hit me. I sat to eat a Buttery Wheat Roll… and I thought, hurm, I could MAKE wheat rolls now!

So I decided to start easy, with some Pretzels. I love pretzels. But it’s not Brewfest, which is the only place in game I knew to get pretzels. A quick Wowhead search lead me to Rock-Salted Pretzels sold by Plugger Spazring.

Tasty golden pretzels.

So I got an alt to remote me to the Grim Guzzler in Blackrock Depths.

Joyia, hoping a Direbrew Mole Machine to Blackrock.

Sure enough, he sells my pretzels. Awesome. Now for the real world equivalent.

Picking up a full stack of 20. I love warm pretzels.

Pretzels are shockingly easy to make. All you need is a little flour, salt, sugar, yeast, water, a bit more salt, baking soda, and butter. I would put it’s cooking skill at around 50, as it doesn’t require any special equipment or tricky bits. All told, it takes about an hour to make.

Here’s the ingredients:

DOUGH:

  • 2 and 1/2 cups of flour
  • 1 teaspoon salt
  • 1 teaspoon sugar
  • 1 package instant yeast (2 and 1/4th teaspoons)
  • 7/8ths to 1 cup water

Bath and Topping:

  • 1 cup boiling water
  • 2 tablespoons baking soda
  • coarse, kosher or pretzel salt, optional
  • 3 tablespoons unsalted butter, melted

To start, let’s make the dough.

Add all the dough ingredients into your mixer. The water needs to be slightly warm, just like the yeast likes. The variation in the water is due to the variation in air moisture. For moist areas or during the summer, use less water, otherwise a bit more. I always start with 7/8th and just add small splashes until the dough doesn’t have any crumbly bits that don’t want to stick to the main ball. Mix until all blended and starting to form a big sticky ball.

Dough pre-water

The Dough, all mixed up, ready to knead.

Now, using a bread hook, knead the dough for 5 minutes. (Or knead by hand, to level your strength and stamina.)

Once the dough is good and kneaded, form into a ball, lightly flour and stick in a bag for 30 min. This gives the yeast time to rise. Also gives you time to farm some herbs or ore or maybe run a dungeon, if you are a tank or healer with a short queue.

The dough, balled up, floured and rising.

Go ahead and mix up the “bath”. Boil the 1 cup of water, then add it to the baking soda. It will fizz and bubble. The baking soda needs to completely dissolve in the water.

The baking soda and water bath for the Pretzels.

Once your dough is done rising, now comes the FUN part. Preheat your oven to 475 and prepare a baking sheet with either parchment paper or spray to keep your pretzels from sticking.

Lightly grease a space to work with your dough, and divide it into 8 equal pieces, then let them sit for about 5 min. Pour your bath into a 9″ square pan.

Dough separated before rolling.

Roll each piece of dough into a long, thin rope (about 28″ to 30″ long), and twist each rope into a pretzel.

Pretzel dough, all rolled out and ready to twist.

Working with 4 pretzels at a time, place them in the pan with the baking soda/water, spooning the water over their tops; leave them in the water for 2 minutes before placing them on the baking sheet. This baking soda “bath” will give the pretzels a nice, golden-brown color.

Pretzels in their bath.

Transfer the pretzels to the prepared baking sheet. Sprinkle them lightly with coarse, kosher, or pretzel salt (I used regular kosher salt, as I didn’t have any coarse pretzel salt, they were just as good). Allow them to rest, uncovered, for 10 minutes.

Pretzels all ready for the oven.

Bake the pretzels for 8 to 9 minutes, or until they’re golden brown.

All done! Beautiful golden brown.

Remove the pretzels from the oven, and brush them thoroughly with the melted butter. Keep brushing the butter on until you’ve used it all up. It’s  a lot of butter, but that’s the way the brewmasters make them, so just keep using it.

All buttered up and ready for restoring health!

Now you should have 8 large Rock-Salted Pretzels to restore health! This recipe makes for a great base to make variations of pretzels too. Add cinnamon to the dough for a tasty spicy pretzel, or cheese to the top for nommable cheese pretzels. Also, I generally use King Arthur Flour, as it is just a higher quality flour. If you make breads and cakes often, I recommend trying it, as it completely changed the quality of all my recipes. (KAF is like a +10 to cooking.)

This recipe is also really great with kids. They love playing with the dough. You can make pretzel sticks or nuggets as well, but that will likely shorten the cooking time a bit.

Now, time to kick up your feet with some Conjured Glacial Water and a Rock-Salted Pretzel and enjoy the fruits of having the cooking profession.

I cannot say this enough. It makes me want to grab a rolled news paper (if one could even find one in this day and age) and smack a designer across the nose with it. BAD BAD BAD. STOP DOING THIS OR I AM GOING TO TAKE YOU TO THE POUND.

RANDOM IS NOT GOOD DESIGN. Read that line about 10 times, please.

Why in the happy hello kitty’s name would you ever do something random in a game? It’s a crutch. And some people are under the mistaken belief that it allows for a feeling of “unscripted-ness”. The thing is, random should only ever be used the in the creation process, then the results cherry picked to be added to the game. (Like generating a few thousand faces, then picking the best 10% or so for your NPCs.) Random can also be used on anything that doesn’t matter at all (which of these 5 possible vendor trash items is the guy going to drop? It doesn’t matter, it can be random). But what these designer really want, but are failing to get, is a systemic solution to their problem.

Systems are a great great thing, and used effectively, can *make* a game. But systems are very difficult to set up well as they can lead to cascading issues when interacting with other systems. It also requires designers and programmers to either be the same person, or attached at the hip. But random is something that people seem to assume a good system is. When people played Bioshock 2, every so occasionally they would be attacked by a big sister. People who played the game might assume that these attacks felt “random”. It’s not. It’s a system, designed to interact with other systems. It’s also a bit more complex and scripted than most systems would be, but it is still used in a system fashion.

When I started playing Skyrim, I discovered very quickly that Dragons can and will attack at random times. *yay* /sarcasm

But wait, you might say, that seems like a great idea! It’s fun! It makes the world feel alive and perilous! It makes it feel like you aren’t fighting as ordered by a designer!

If things could be done well, randomly, there would be no designers. But having a designer allows for a crafted, non-frustrating experience. Because a designer can look at the sequence of events and say, this is a terrible spot for pacing and narrative to have an event happen. Let’s move it somewhere else.

Example #1:

In the main quest of Skyrim, at one point, you leave a city with two NPCs in tow. Now, I am playing a mage/thief. As a mage, it is hard for me to fight around NPCs as they like to move in front of me and take damage. As a thief, they are even worse because a single hit with a bow leads to their death. Normally, this isn’t too much of a concern, as they can handle themselves, and I can focus on other targets.

Unless we get attacked by a dragon that is.

So now, not only do I have the worry of an NPC DYING, which they can totally do, but also, I can’t help because we are all targeting the same thing and I might hit one of the numb skulls. And if I do hit one of them, they turn on me, along with every guard in a 100 mile radius.

Yes, this random attack is fun and not at all frustrating. /sarcasm

 

Example #2:

The first time seemed pretty bad huh? Kinda hard to top that level of frustration and difficulty.

Oh, it gets better.

At ANOTHER point in the main quest (notice how BOTH of the incidents take place when actively involved in things REQUIRED to complete the game?) you are told to meet with a guy in a city and he is going to help you sneak into a secured location. COOL. *pulls on my thief hat* Ready. Locked. Loaded.

Only in the middle of this conversation, he goes, oh, by the way, you can’t take any weapons or armor, but you can give them to me, and I will smuggle them in. My response: “I’m sorry what? UH NO. You can have my bow when you pry it from my cold dead fingers.” So here I am, handing over my epic bow of ass kicking, my light armor of super thievery, and my amulet, ring and headband of melting faces to some NPC I TOTALLY DO NOT TRUST. Oh and did I mention, I totally don’t carry a second set of armor? So now, I am naked. Quite literally, my character is walking around in her underwear, and several NPCs comment I need to put some clothes on. Instead of handing me my “Party Clothes” like I expect, he tells me to meet some OTHER NPC at the stable to get my clothes. Oh and she will hold anything else I didn’t hand him. (All that loot I was carrying.) So here I go, walking out of the city to the stables, in the all together, to meet this chick.

Now CLEARLY the developers realized this was a tricky point in the game. Fast travel is disabled. You can’t really go anywhere else, you have to finish this mission first. They KNEW you had just handed over all your equipment, rendering you as useless as you were in the opening cutscene.

I walk out the city gates, thankful it’s only a short sprint to the stables when I hear…

*RAWR*

Look up, oh yes, there it is, a RANDOM DRAGON ATTACK. OH YAY. I have no armor, no weapons, and no health potions. This is gonna be FUN.

Needless to say, it wasn’t. Not even a little bit.

 

The idea may have seemed sound. For a large portion of the game (which is terribly relative considering how much dang game there is) this doesn’t seem to be a big issue.  But here, in these two instances, this makes the game blindingly frustrating and annoying.

In either case would I have noticed the lack of a dragon attack during the completion of these quests? The one I can’t do anything because I just handed over my armor? Yeah, I am going to finish that as quickly as possible. The one where I am escorting 2 NPCs? Yeah, that one is a stick with it until you are done too. There is NO LOGICAL reason to not disable random dragon attacks during these times. The player is never *ever* going to notice. Your DESIGN decision is going to actively make the game better.

It could be argued that since they are random, the developers never encountered a dragon during these times. Well, sure that’s possible, but when designing something like this, as a developer, you need to play through the game thinking always, is there ever a time this would be the WORST POSSIBLE THING. It’s just a good idea to consider when implementing a game wide system like this.

Regardless, the random dragon battles don’t make the game feel unscripted or even realistic, but rather they make it feel buggy and broken. Never sacrifice gameplay for realism. Remember, the player won’t notice the dragon not showing up, but they will remember the dragon showing up at the worst possible time, and then write a blog post ranting about it.

I recently read Ready Player One over the Christmas break. As it had been descibed to me, it was a book about what happens when everyone plays WoW, loves video games, and pretty much worships the 80s. As an avid WoW player, a rabid reader, and a child of said decade, I figured, why not, it seems to be right up my alley. Ready Player One: Target audience: me.

So how did I like it? Should you read it?

1. Do you like old video games and like impressing people with your encyclopedic knowledge of them?

2. Do you like movies made between 1980 and 1996 and like impressing people with your encyclopedic knowledge of them?

3. If there was a multi-billion dollar scavenger hunt through a virtual world, where all the clues were directly related to question 1 and 2, would you take part?

If you answered yes, to any of these questions, you will likely like RP1. RP1 is an orgy of pop culture, video games, and geek culture on the level of ComicCon. If ComicCon were a virtual world like Second Life where pretty much everyone spends all of their time. The book is one long scavenger hunt, about a socially awkward and nearly outcast boy, who becomes a hero, without ever really changing who he is. Never is the nerd forced to stop being a nerd. In fact, his nerdiness receives him praise and admiration from all who encounter him.

Wait, scratch that. RP1 is every nerd/geek/dork’s wet dream. A virtual school where you can mute bullies? Yes, please. The ability to make yourself appear normal, as opposed to fat, short, red haired, bespectacled, or so thin and pale you look like a drinking straw? Why in God’s name would I ever ever meet people in real life again! RP1 is absolute porn on a stick, dipped in chocolate and deep fried for those of us who loved all the things the characters in the book revere. The ability to be famous because you can beat a video game? The chance of winning unlimited wealth because you can recite a movie from heart? Becoming the hero, not because you slayed the dragon, but rather because you did something relatively inconsequential that later turned out to be the magical macguffin you needed to save the world? Okay, well maybe we are getting into spoiler territory with that one, but seriously, anyone who has ever played a graphic adventure knows the truth of “If you can pick it, it’s gonna be important later.”

RP1 is set in a future where virtual technology has advanced to the point that people can easily enter a virtual world, called OASIS, where they can do… anything. Kids are given access so they can go to virtual schools. People show up to virtual work. Chat rooms are more like hang out spots. It’s like WoW mated with Second Life and had the perfect love child. Of course, the author points out a few of the social ramifications of such a creation. No one interacts in real life anymore. Poverty is widespread, escapism the reality. The government is second to the virtual government. The sad thing is though, the author notices these huge, monolithic social issues, and then completely ignores them in favor of more anime references. Yet another video game name drop. The fact that the big bad in the book, IOI, is an internet service provider and wields more power than anything else even mentioned is terrifying, and yet even at the end, when the credits roll, they are still in charge of the access. They are still alive as Glados would say, because she would totally be a part of them.

The book is great. Fairly well written, with a few odd pacing moments. It has some truly unbelievable conceits that one just accepts to move on with the story, but in reality, it’s a nice fun romp through a virtual world every nerd wishes they could live in. But then the crippling truth of the book is… it only appeals to us. Those of us who want to live in OASIS, not the real world. The main character isn’t really a hero, despite saving the virtual world. He is given the tool to save the real world. The one with crippling resource shortages, wide spread starvation, and more social problems that could ever be solved, even if all it’s members weren’t spending most of their time plugged into computers.

This book could have been a fantastic philosophical discussion. It could have been the cautionary tale of allowing ourselves the ultimate fantasy. How everything a human thinks they want is really what is absolutely worst for them. The fact that the “hero” is given the tool to save the world, the real one, not the virtual one, and he glances at it, then WALKS AWAY, just proves this book was written by a nerd for nerds. He would rather make more references and more jokes than face and deal with the very real and very terrifying truths his tale reveals in the dangers of virtual fantasy fulfillment. The dangers of living in video games, movies, music, and tv shows. He would rather end on the hero sitting next to the girl, happy to not want to go back into the virtual world, not realizing that only having one person change isn’t going to change the horrid truth that their world is still dying. It’s still on the brink of chaos and destruction. The author ignores the philosophical, moral, and religious ideas that his book touches on in favor of another video game joke. True discussion and thought could have come from this work, with a bit more gravitas.

It’s a great adventure book for nerds/geeks/dorks, who worship Steve Jobs, Richard Garriott, and Shigeru Miyamoto, instead of the nerds who want to step up and make these men look like idiots. The nerds who want to figure out how to make cold fusion a reality. The nerds who want to find the Higgs Boson. The nerds who aren’t content playing other people’s games, watching other people’s movies, and listening to other people’s music, but instead strive and seek to create their own. The people who would be fixing RP1′s world, instead of practicing Pac Man and watching Pretty in Pink.

I guess I shouldn’t admit that despite it’s faults, I really liked this book. Oh well. I am going to go re-watch Lord of the Rings now.

I didn’t expect much from 4.3.

I mean, look at Cataclysm’s track record:

Patch 4.1

Extremely difficult and punishing heroics.

Extremely difficult and punishing raids.

Slow gearing.

Wildly monotonous dailies next to a pvp zone.

Patch 4.2

Extremely difficult, reused, and punishing heroics.

Extremely difficult and punishing raids.

Slow gearing.

Wildly monotonous dailies.

 

With all that, who was looking forward to more of the same? Not me. I was looking forward to Transmogrification, mostly for the ability to wear t5 on my warlock again. And boy do I look awesome.

What I wasn’t expecting was Morchok. To die. On our first attempt. Dead. Huh. After taking 2 weeks to kill Magmaw and 3 weeks to kill Shannox, that was a tad bit of a shock. So our raid snagged in some extra people and went to LFR. And we cleared 4/4, raking in the loot like it was Christmas morning. Week 1 we were 3/8. Now this is more like it.

What I wasn’t expecting was Murozond. The best.fight.in.Cataclysm. Seriously. Getting to “reset” the fight every 20%? That is *awesome*. Hero for the whole fight. Cooldowns SPAMMED. DPS through the roof. People popping back up after they died!

The mechanics in the new dungeons were simple, easy to understand, and relatively clear in how to overcome. The lore is interesting. The dungeons themselves, short, sweet, and LOOTY.

What I wasn’t expecting was the Darkmoon Faire. Wow, are those mini-games fun.

What I wasn’t expecting was running the 3 new heroics on 4 toons and capping on valor on all 4 toons in one week. Considering I am pretty sure I have run those 3 way more than all of the trollroics on all my toons combined.

 

I came for the Transmog and stayed for the end game. What a shock.

Okay here’s the article.

 

To summarize, it’s a nifty article on last names, and women taking their husband’s name after they get married. It’s a nifty article because it covers many of the viewpoints WITHOUT ever pushing an agenda. Bravo Stephanie Pappas for writing a good article.

Now, why do I want to talk about it on what is arguably a gamer blog? Because it’s important to me.

My experience:

My mother has been married 3 times in her life. The third time was apparently the charm, as she is still married to him now. She had my brother with her first husband, me with her second, and married my step-father when I was 9 or so. So growing up my brother had one last name, I had a second, and she had a third. I was used to being the only person with my name. Add to that, it is a rather uncommon last name, and I liked it.

You see, it started with Ac. So when teachers in school would go to put people in alphabetical order, I would just get up and walk to the front. I generally had the first seat in the front row in every class. I had no problem with this. In fact, I kinda liked it.

My name was a part of who I was. It was short, sweet, and unique. It meshed well with my middle name (I always went by my middle name not my first name) and generally was fun to write.

It never bothered me that my mother had a different last name. It never bothered me that my brother had a different last name. We knew we were family and loved each other.

Now, I did have a hated first name. It was pretentious, long, misspelled, and didn’t fit me even a little bit. I shorted my signature to start with a J. very early in high school and never looked back. As my friends and I discussed getting married one day and names, the discussion generally revolved around whether we would take our husband’s names or not. The consensus was that we would, unless it was a stupid name, or it sounded bad with our names. I always said I wouldn’t, because I liked my name. It was part of who I was.

The first time I got engaged, I flat out told my Fiance I would not be taking his name. It wasn’t interesting, it wasn’t cool, and it certainly didn’t improve the sound of my name any at all. This engagement eventually fell apart. Why? I was too independent, and he was too clingy. (Among other problems, but those are the big “overarching” problems and were a common theme among all the others.)

Was the name thing an indicator? Maybe. He was certainly upset about it.

Many years later, after going to grad school, and living on my own, I got engaged again. This time, his name wasn’t perfect, but it wasn’t bad either. Also I saw the opportunity to get rid of my dreaded first name. Here I was, at 26 about to completely change around my name.

Now to follow along… <J. First Name> <K Middle Name> and <Ac Last Name>. When I got married I legally changed my name to <K. Middle Name> <Ac Last Name> <Husband Last Name>. No hyphens, or whatever, but now my maiden name was my middle name. I looked at my new name and smiled. I *loved* it. It was totally me. It fit me better than my birth name ever had.

I took a moment to consider if I would ever change my name back if I was ever to get divorced. The more I thought about it, the more I though, no, probably not. This name was more who I was that ever before. And I loved it.

My husband wasn’t pleased. I know right? His response was “Well that’s a rather sneaky way of keeping your own last name?” Is the name thing such a touchy subject because men still have this desire to “lay claim” to their women? It’s kinda cute, as long as they are okay with dealing with it if we don’t go along. This comment surprised me. My mother had always used her maiden name as her middle name. My grandmother did too. All the adult women I knew growing up had done the same thing. With one exception and she had *hated* her family before she got married and likely wanted to shed her last name as much as I wanted to shed my hideous first name.

Turns out, it’s a common Southern tradition for a Southern Belle to keep her family name as a middle name, unless she is ashamed of them. I am not ashamed of my father’s side of my family, but neither am I proud of them. I don’t really think about them one way or the other, as my parents divorced when I was 3 and my mother then moved 14 hours away. I never really associated the name with them. It wasn’t their name, it was mine. Mine and unique. I think this discovery of culture mollified my husband.

What changed in the 3 years? I grew up, lived on my own truly, and struck out into the real world without Mom and Dad or Student Loans to keep me up. I came to view my life as something other than just myself. I was planning on being with this man forever. I was still myself, but now I had a part of him too. My new name looked and sounded right.

I embraced this new “label” for who I was. I was different than I had been as a child, so it made sense for my name to be different as well. Maybe this mentality comes from playing games, and thus having avatars or roles, so I already deal with “alternate” names quite a bit. I mean, I answer just as readily to Joyia (my World of Warcraft warlock) as I do my own name. I use Ember Dione as interchangeably with my own name to the point Google thinks it really is my own name.

I feel now like a name is a representation of who we are. And as such, should change when we change.

My name is meant to fit me, not the other way around.

 

Addendum: As far as the “legally required to assume your husband’s name” thing in the article, that’s just ABSURD. Not a chance in hell would I be okay with that being a law. It’s a person’s choice, and it should be left at that. After all, they have to live with that name.